He says he’s not happy and being with me feels like a chore

[Koala_KT]

I’ve been with this bf for around 3 years, broke up twice, and got back together, and just two days ago, he wants to break up again.

It’s almost the same pattern as before, no real issue no fight, and suddenly he wants out.

He said he’s been trying to be a good bf, give me time and plan things, which he has improved a lot in the past 6 months. But he says he’s not happy and that’s not him.

When I ask him if he’s not happy spending time with me, he says no, most of the time he’s happy, but when he thinks about it, he’s not happy, because he felt that this isn’t who he is.

I’m very confused because this doesn’t really make sense to me. I understand being in a relationship both parties may need to make slight adjustments, but that’s not changing who we are. I do not know how to communicate this to him. I want to save the relationship but i dont know how.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

I suggest to you that he himself doesnt know why he feels unhappy. I've seen this several times over many decades.

Some people cant gauge what their problem is, they cant assess it, therefore they have even less chance is expressing it to a partner. I've often thought about such people as two good friends 20 years ago went through this trauma together.  For several years they kept splitting up and talked and talked and talked. Then finally when they split again he fell in love with one of their mutual friends and they married within 5 months. The original couple and the new bride remained close friends. The lady left alone never found a partner since and when I questioned her once about "P" her ex BF, she said she would always love him but could never live with him. Sounds odd but it mirrors the movie "The way we were" by Barbara Streisand. 

So no wonder you are confused and I suggest that if you dated a bit you might find that most people are more forthright in what they want, this middle of the road thinking is not common and it will leave you questioning yourself a lot, whereas if deep love for you was in him it would be him that would be confused and seek help.

You as an individual cannot be expected to know why he is unhappy, it is his responsibility to demonstrate why... or, if he cant tell you why then both of you wont be able to find the real reasons because even he doesnt know.

There are many things in life that we cant find out the answers, humans and their thinking processes can be included in that mix, in such cases, sadly, it is usually a case of moving on in the satisfaction that you did your best and it wasnt you. Such clarity come forth when you find a contrast with someone that falls head over heels for you, worships the ground upon which you walk... you'll know then that it was for the best.

I hope that helps. Repost anytime

TonyWK

[randomxx]

Hi op.

l'd be thinking on top of things tony's talked about , that your bf has already been making many efforts and changes within himself that just aren't really him, it's just that often she might not actually realize the real him.

l've been in this trap myself as a guy but in the end it just gets too much .

We often have to put in all kinds of effort to even accommodate another person he or she but there's kind of some natural effort but then there's a too much of an unnatural effort if that makes sense. but too much of an unnatural effort , things that just aren't us or things that we're just bending too far with , start going beyond who we are and so then it starts just getting not right amd not who we are any more.

ln most cases just being with the right person instead of the wrong person will balance things out again and everything just happens much more naturally  and easier being with somebody we're just naturally suited to rather than with somebody we just aren't and so it's just all this work.

l'd say that's what's going on with him .

[therising]

Hi Koala_KT

I've heard it said before that we come to life bit by bit, not all at once. So, if we are multi faceted creatures, that means the adventurer in us will come to life at some point, the sage in us will come to life at another point and the same can be said for the risk taker, seer, goal setter and the list goes on. On the flip side, there can be the facets we don't want to come to life, such as the stresser in us, some fearful aspect, the pessimist and so on. Perhaps, with your bf, it could be a matter of he loves certain parts of himself that he might have to suppress to some degree in the relationship or maybe there could be parts of himself waiting to come to life that he just doesn't want to face. For example, some people just don't want to face the more deeply feeling part or parts of themself, for one reason or another. They prefer to be more carefree.

Looking at things from this kind of perspective, you could say that when someone says 'That's just not me, that's not who I am' they're saying in a way that it's not in their nature to suppress or face certain facets of themself. We definitely have to tweak things or make changes in a relationship when it comes to some parts but when we have to change so much, it can feel like losing our self bit by bit.

I think we're always being challenged to bring some new facet of our self to life or even resurrect an old facet we've been longing to meet with again and such things can happen through just about every challenge we face in life. ❤️