He hasn't yet said "I Love You"

[Soberlicious96]

Hi all,

I have a little issue that circles around in my head a little bit. A bit over a year ago I met a wonderful man via an online dating site, and we have been together as a monogamous couple since our first date. From our first meeting I felt safe and secure with him, and indeed feel very much loved by him. He opens doors for me and is affectionate and pays for everything when we are together.

We live 100 kms apart though so we do only see each other a couple of times a week. I mostly travel to his place because of our work rosters; he works Monday to Friday with a 7am start time, and I work a widely varied roster, with lots of weekend work. He usually insists on paying for my fuel every time I see him! He is honestly so lovely and selfless. He's into healthy eating and exercise, as am I. We seem to be the perfect match!

We have both been married before though and are both divorced.

'So what's the problem?' I hear you ask. Well, like I said we've been together for a year now, and not once has he said those three magical words: "I Love You". And neither have I ....... well, not directly to his face anyway. I have put it at the end of the odd text message and voicemail, written it on cards and at the end of notes, and even quickly said 'love you' at the end of a phone call, but he has not once said it to me. And yet he acts so lovingly toward me and I FEEL very loved by him.

Should I be concerned? I mean, I am happy with a slow-moving relationship because we've both been hurt before by others, and it's only been one year, not several.

And I do most certainly feel love for him. I feel so safe with him, and I can talk to him about stuff and he talks to me about things on his mind too ..... we've got it all bar those three little words.

Anyway, over to you, and your experience/thoughts on the matter. Thankyou in advance.

[therising]

Hi Soberlicious96

This definitely sparks an interesting topic - LOVE.

Would be interesting to get your partners take in regard to what love means to him.

I've asked my husband on a few occasions to define love, getting the response 'I dunno, it's just love. I can't describe it. It is what it is, just something I feel towards you'.

Personally, my definition of love: To be deeply invested in the evolution of another person. Self-love: To be invested in your own evolution. I reached this conclusion when trying to work out why I love certain people more than others. The common factor - my level of investment relates strongly to my degree of love. This explains why I love my kids more than I love anyone else on this earth. For 2 people to be in love means, in my opinion, to be in a mutual state of shared evolution. Sounds like you and your partner are in love, even though he hasn't actually said the L word.

Some would officially define love as being oxytocin related (oxytocin being the 'bonding' or 'love' hormone). Typically, the more of it there is, the more love we feel.

As I say, interesting topic, probably because there are so many interpretations.

To me, it does sound like he loves you, from what you say. He sounds invested, whilst you both share some beautiful chemistry between the 2 of you. You sound blessed to have found each other.

Take care Soberlicious96

[jax_in_my_heart]

Hi Soberlicious

I have to unfortunately say I feel the opposite to therising. I have very recently found myself in the same position as you; met a wonderful man, both had previous bad relationships. He is my best friend, makes me laugh, takes me out, buys me thoughtful and lovely gifts, I cook him dinner and snacks for work, and at Christmas he spent thousands taking me to the other side of the country to meet his family.

I thought I was doing the smart thing, and judging a man from his actions, not his words. I thought there was no way all this would have happened unless he loved me. He just couldn't say it because of his terrible divorce and he wasn't great with words.

So I said I loved him first. Whereupon I was sheepishly told 'he was into me' but he didn't love me. I honestly felt like I had been hit by a truck, so great was the shock.
So now I'm trying to work out if I should stay or go. We have only been together six months, true, but considering how much time we spend together, 3-4 nights a week and constantly talking, I felt that was enough time. I guess not.

So my advice would be to ask the question, but only if you can live with the fact he may very gently say no he doesn't love you. At least you would know, and not waste years of your life with someone who sees you as a companion rather than a lifelong love. He doesn't sound stupid -If you're hinting it with notes and cards, and said it on the phone, then he knows how you feel, and still hasn't said anything to you.

As for me, I'm giving him exactly three more months, and if he doesn't love me by then, he probably never will, so I will be be back to being single, but at least with a chance to find someone who loves me for me. I wish you the best.

[Guest_1584]

Hi

To my thinking it could be one of two things.

Either he's not sure yet if he is in love orrrrrr, he's holding back on admitting and acknowledging it..

Divorce is bad enough and can leave you thinking all kinds of things but also that love is like marriage these days and hardly worth the paper it's written on anyway and so very, very,, wary of giving into it again. Especially if there's been even more crap from a new relationship after the divorce.

l tend to be a bit that way myself now and even when she tells me she loves my l actually think in my head yeah yeah yada yada l'm not throwing that word around like confetti anymore lets just see what this is really made of first.l even find myself thinking yeah right well lets just see what it's worth when the chips are down or things aren't going your way for 5mins , or 6mths, or 12, do you still love me then or are you gonna be off looking for the next one. Seriously, find myself thinking all that and more , that's actually the polite version.

lt's sad l know , never had that trouble before but the way the world and marriages and the me me me and entitlement attitudes have gone these days , sadly it'll probably take me 5 yrs to believe it now.

[quirkywords]

Soberlicious,

Thanks for starting this interesting and emotional discussion. I suppose our past experiences will define how we respond to those 3 little words and how we place their importance in our relationship.

Forme, I had a former partner who would tell me he loved me a lot then spend every night out at the pub, or say mean things to me , spent all my money while I worked hard and he drank. So those words had no meaning to him or me.

I would rather a partner who never said those words but showed me by his behaviour that he cared for me than a partner who said those words a lot but never supported me.

I wonder if we have been influenced by romance books, Hall mark card, romantic movies and reality shows where people express their undying love 10 mins after meeting someone!!

I think you will know what to do. Some people feel it hard to say those words yet by their behaviour and emotions they are expressing how much they care for you.

I am interested on what you feel about the responses so far.

Quirky

[Soberlicious96]

Dear quirky, yes I too have had partners that have said'I love you' plenty, but their actions have been somewhat different ...... And that's putting it REALLY politely!

The actions of this man are definitely loving, there's no doubt about that.

I'm also aware that we all have different 'love languages' (there's a book on that too) so maybe his 'love language' is just a little different to mine.

Anyway, thanks for your reply. Was quite helpful.