my boyfriend is having a hard time dealing with the loss of our unborn baby

[alina_xo]

I lost my baby. I was 2 months pregnant or even longer when I had a miscarriage, I didn't know I was pregnant until I miscarried and I felt horrible. My boyfriend has blamed himself ever since it happened and I know it wasn't his fault. He thinks it was because I was under a lot of stress at the time and a lot of the stress was from him but it's very unlikely for me to have miscarried because of him but he doesn't believe that, he is so determined to blame himself no matter how much I try and help. He hasn't taken it well as can be expected but its been months and I'm beginning to think he may never grief properly and won't take help from anyone, I just want to help him to stop blaming himself. Any suggestions of how I can help him?

[Quercus]

Hi Alina.xo and welcome.

I don't know if it helps at all to say my thoughts are with you as you work through the grief of losing your child. It is heartbreaking to hear so I can only imagine how much it must hurt.

Apart from your worry about your partner how are you holding up? Do you have a lot of support yourself?

I believe it is normal for your boyfriend to grieve as he is. I know my friend's husband was the same. He was reluctant to seek help.

My husband told me once that until our baby was born he felt utterly helpless and useless. He saw his only role as protecting and supporting me because it was the only thing he felt he could do.

My point is I do think men trying to cope with loss need to speak to other men. I feel the experience is so different between us as mothers and our partners.

If you feel able to it might help to print this article and show it to your boyfriend or even leave it somewhere he may read it. It is about SANDS (which is an excellent support organisation for those who have lost a child) but more specifically this article is about a WA man who organised a male to male support phoneline within SANDS after he lost his own child.

My friend's husband phoned this line and he found speaking to other men helpful for him. I hope your boyfriend can try reach out here too.

Please keep writing if you feel able. There are some threads here which discuss miscarriage that you might find helpful to read. And we are here for you also.

❤ Nat

[Quercus]

Might help if I put the link!!

https://mobile.abc.net.au/news/2015-06-17/father-sets-up-peer-support-group-for-dads-who-lost-children/6538998

[therising]

Hi alina.xo

As usual, Nat provides great advice, including a totally relateable message: 'My husband told me once that until our baby was born he felt utterly helpless and useless. He saw his only role as protecting and supporting me because it was the only thing he felt he could do.' My husband felt the same way regarding my pregnancies. Those feelings of helplessness and uselessness can carry on throughout the process of dealing with miscarriage. Whilst dealing with 2 first trimester miscarriages and an ectopic pregnancy in between giving birth to my 2 babies (who are now 13 and 16yo), my husband's greatest challenge involved overcoming feelings of helplessness and uselessness in regard to me dealing with my grief at these times.

For myself, there was a bit of that blame game going on in my head: 'What did I do wrong? How could I have done things differently?' etc etc. It's not unusual to assess the role we play or have played in a significant event, when we're trying to make sense of things. Personally, it was a bit of research that stopped the blame thing. I read a couple of books relating to support through miscarriage which contained an undeniable truth - miscarriage is not uncommon and a lot of the time no one is to blame. Discovering the truth quite often changes our perspective in regard to a situation, including our role in the situation. Whatever way we identify with a role will impact our identity (how we see our self).

Sounds like he is dealing with a great sense of guilt. I believe guilt can only be overcome when we choose to move forward on the most productive path. One path will be dark (the path of self-blame) and one path will be filled with enlightenment (education, research, truth etc). Personally, I like to see guilt as nothing more than a signpost, a call to greater consciousness (a positive thing). It forces us to ask the question 'Who do I want to be, the person who takes the path of enlightenment or the path of self-blame?' Asking him to hold your hand on a path of progress, means asking him to move forward with you as you both navigate the territory of miscarriage together.

Don't forget to take care of yourself alina. Grief associated with miscarriage can be both painful and confusing. Whilst some folk may expect a woman to 'get over it because it wasn't an actual baby' (this comment seriously triggers me by the way), grief is rarely a straight forward process.

You are a beautiful person, to be caring so deeply for your partner