Having an avoidant and emotionally unavailable partner

[bethysocks92]

I never thought I could feel such sadness, turmoil, heartbreak and a lack of self worth and appreciation with someone.

I have been with my partner for nearly 6 months and it has been a soaring rollercoaster of emotions every single day.

In the beginning he pursued me and wanted only me. We then wanted a relationship. Little did he know what was involved. For someone who hasn't been in a relationship with someone for more than 3 months, hadn't lived alone for majority of his life and adores his personal time and space, this was daunting to him. He didn't realise this until being in a relationship with me.

My emotional and physical needs are not being met right now. He has his own issues/ development he needs to process and work through. I am trying really hard to understand. Being an empath I'm drawn in and just want to help, but sometimes this is at the expense of me too.

I don't know what to do. I feel like I should leave him be and let me be for my own sanity and to regain my sense of self worth and happiness back, but I care for him deeply. But why stay if he can't give me what I need right now? I know he is emotionally unavailable right now.

So, here's one to anyone out there experiencing or going through the same or similar thing.. how do you cope? what are some strategies? what do or did you do in your situation?

[sbella02]

Hi Bethysocks92,

Thank you so much for your post, and a warm welcome to our forums. I'm so sorry to hear about your experience, it's always horrible when somebody makes us feel like this. Not just in a romantic relationship, but any interpersonal relationship with anybody.

I haven't experienced this level of emotional turmoil in a relationship, but I do know what it's like to feel like you're losing yourself in a relationship, or feel like you deserve better treatment. I would ask yourself the following questions:

1. What are your emotional needs/boundaries in a relationship?
2. What are your physical needs/boundaries in a relationship?
3. What would you like from this relationship, or how long do you see yourselves being together for?
4. If your emotional/physical needs are not being met in this relationship, is this a deal-breaker for you?

These may be somewhat difficult questions to answer, but your needs and boundaries are important, and if you can recognise what they are and the extent to which they're being met, this can be a great first step.

Have you tried having a chat to your partner about how you're feeling? Sometimes, we may not even realise the effect that our actions and behaviour can have on other people until somebody addresses them to us. If you have spoken to him and he cannot understand or empathise with how you're feeling, I would perhaps suggest re-evaluating the relationship.

Considering you still care about him and his feelings, another suggestion I have is to ask yourself how you would feel if you ended the relationship but remained friends. Do you see yourself staying friends with him if you decide to split up? Your needs that he currently satisfies, would they still be satisfied if you were to have a friendship with him rather than be in a relationship?

Having a chat to a therapist, counsellor, GP or psychologist about your situation may also be helpful. Sometimes it can be good to hear the opinion of an objective third party, who may be able to offer you some professional advice, too.

I hope this advice is helpful, please feel free to chat with us further if you'd like.

All the best, SB