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Girlfriend with depression broke up with me over the weekend

ynwawanm
Community Member

Hi all,

I know there's a lot of threads on topics like this but I think I just need to get this off my chest.

So my girlfriend of almost three years ended things on Saturday night/Sunday morning, and admittedly I feel kinda stupid and naïve about how I'm feeling.

Admittedly, we have had our own issues- but definitely hurdles that could be worked with. However, a couple of pretty huge aspects of her life- work and home life- have caused so much stress for her in the last six months in particular, that we just could not work on it. And I understand- we weren't getting enough time together (particularly because of her schedule) and that made her feel so much worse about this relationship, in that there was no time to work on those problems.

We ended up taking a brief break a few months ago, to work on ourselves- I have had my own issues before, too- and things started looking seriously positive after then, until about the last three weeks. She hit a massive wall, and had zero energy and time- way too much on her plate.

So on the weekend, she did the tough (albeit courageous) thing and that was to end our relationship. Her main concerns were that we simply haven't been able to progress, because of everything going on in her life- she knows I have been trying (and still want to), but she does not have the energy for the pressures of a relationship (especially one like ours, which does have its kinks to iron out). What drove her to this I suppose is that she has said there will be dramas with her family coming up over the next six to twelve months, and this will drive her stress and anxiety even further. So if we were to have stayed together right now- we wouldn't have gotten anywhere. So I completely understand.

I still love her dearly, and we are not abandoning each other- we have not ended on bad terms (just a lot of tears) and ultimately, I know we will both be okay.

I guess I just want to know if it's silly to hope that one day, if and when she is back up and about and in control, that we might be able to give it another go. I've had break ups before, and those were easy- I didn't want a strong future with them like I do with this girl. I even wrote a letter (sitting down and writing out everything I tend to be better at than sitting right there and saying it) but I think I am going to hold onto it, I'm not sure. Anyway, I know it's definitely not something that I should count on, either.

I'm not sure what advice I'm looking for, I'm happy just to talk.

8 Replies 8

quirkywords
Community Champion
Community Champion

Ynwawanm hello,

Welcome to this forum and thanks for sharing your story. This is a caring, supportive and friendly community.

I was quite touched by your post. As you seem to understand the reason the breakup and still have compassion for your girlfriend.

You have much insight into the relationship and what did not work and to the behaviour of both of you.

As you realise the future is hard to predict but for me having hope is a helpful thing as long as it does not top you from enjoying your life. You sound every philosophical about it all.

Feel free to post when you want, as there are people hear willing to read and relate to what you have written.

Thanks for sharing your story with such compassion.

Quirky

Meowface
Community Member
Ah this post made my heart hurt. You are very insightful and obviously care alot about eachother to give eachother the space you need. She might turn to you again for support. I know ive pushed my partner away so many times because i didnt want him to have to deal with “half me” or “stressed me”. And my goodness theres been some ugly moments, and i do hate thinking about those times. They are like a big blob in photo album of pretty pictures. Sigh. I think you are doing the right thing not to put any pressure on her right mow. You might find the right time to give her the letter. What is that annoying quote that drives me kooky...what will be, will be! And my anxious response to that always is “but that means nothing!!”. Hang in there bud xx

Thanks heaps, Quirky.

That's exactly it- I do hope that we can try again down the track, but I won't let that hope run how I live my life either.

We are still going to talk and catch up here and there as we're on good terms, and I am absolutely still there for her when she needs. I do really hope that she gets into a good headspace sooner rather than later, but for her. I'd absolutely never pressure her for that.

There will be easier days, and tougher ones- admittedly today feels like it's gonna be a tough one- but I'll be sure to come back here when I'm struggling.

Thank you, Meowface.

Honestly I know we have had our own problems between each other- I've really screwed up at times, as has she, we've both spoken about that- but I honestly feel like they were (or could be) things that we could work on.

But I know that you need to be in the right headspace for it- she's had way too much on her plate, and I don't want her to stress about our relationship issues on top of it. And she definitely has pushed me away at times, but I do understand why. And me- while I haven't necessarily been in a bad headspace of late (albeit sad), I've definitely had issues with my confidence- I don't feel like I've been proactive enough at times in terms of healing things between us, myself.

As I've said to Quirky, we will still talk and catch up here and there- we are on great terms. I absolutely love her- frankly, a future spent not together with her is the only thing I truly fear in life. But I know she's gotta do what she's gotta do, and I can't dwell on things we've done wrong in the past, nor what the future holds between us. She's gotta take as long as she needs to work on herself, and I know in that time I'll work on my own confidence issues.

But, I'm still here for her if and when she needs.

There'll be rough days as well as easier ones, but time to work on ourselves certainly can't hurt.

ynwawanm
Community Member

Hi folks, a bit of an update.

We've been in contact some days over the last week, and things have been okay. In the end, I gave the letter telling her how I felt and gave her some time to process it, and overall it was pretty positive- she's definitely open to trying again once things settle for her (but I made it crystal clear that I would never pressure her for that, and if it did happen I know it would not be something that happens overnight). We both agreed that we would each do some things differently if the time comes.

Anyway, we spoke a fair bit over the last couple days, just about what we did on the weekend and everything, even about catching up for a coffee later this week or next. I've been fine, and so had she- however, last night I could tell her day did a 180, and she told me during the night that her work situation is pretty much going to get worse and she is going to be extremely stressed, and just needed me to give some space for her to work that out.

That is totally fine- space has always been my intention, truth be told I was expecting times where she might need some time from talking, and so would I.

But I guess right now- the relationship isn't what I'm concerned about, I'm seriously concerned about her. I think that she feels like she's trapped in this job- it's really, REALLY not good for her headspace- and over the last few months, though she'd shortlist a bunch of positions on Seek etc, she'd end up too exhausted after work (physically and mentally) because she was far too depressed. It's a vicious cycle, and honestly one I battled with myself years ago. It just hurts to see that spiral because I know, she's well and truly more than capable of landing something that will be way better for her, in all aspects. She's a clever person, and though she has had issues with depression before- very bubbly most of the time, and easy to get along with.

But ultimately, she's the only one who can do anything about it. At the same time, I still really want to be there for her- hell, if it were up to me I'd turn up right after work and get her to come for a run or a bike ride to let off some steam. But I know space is what she needs to be able to get through this, so of course I wouldn't do that.

I guess that's what I need advice on- how do you make sure you give that space when you're seriously concerned about someone?

Hi everyone, bit of an update and needing a bit of advice or just a place to write everything out, at least.

So the last couple of months had been going great- her work life and general outlook had been improving, as had things between us- we had spoken about it and she was happy with things slowly progressing to trying out again; we were spending more and more time together, and things had been looking good.

Unfortunately, I let her down a couple of weeks ago. She crumbled big time, having had a rough week and needed me to talk. Unfortunately on that day, I wasn't going to be able to for an hour or so- I had been in the middle of fixing a few things around the house and wanted to devote myself to being able to talk to her with my focus completely on her. Ordinarily I'd have even raced over to her place, or already would have been there- but with my tonsillitis that weekend, I did not want to get her sick. Anyway, she got understandably upset that I couldn't talk right away, and left it at that; we spoke again the next day where I apologised, to which she apologised for blowing up at me, saying she'd had a manic episode. But, I already knew I should have dropped everything to at least talk to her.

Anyway we spoke on the phone a bit during that week, and as I felt better we went to a gig together on the Saturday night just passed, having a great time.

This week was going to be quite a busy week for both of us; but we'd managed to squeeze in a few minutes to talk each day. I could tell it was going to be a rough week for her, and she sounded exhausted on the phone.

Last night we spoke, and the first hour talking was fine. Before it was time to go to bed, she told me she was unhappy. Honestly, I could hear it in her voice, and knew she was having a rough week both at home and work. She then started talking about us, not understanding why I wanted to be with her, and saying she couldn't rely on me. Much as it hurt, I understood. We spoke for another hour and a half after that, and admittedly the conversation got better- I told her exactly what I felt, which is exactly what I wrote in the letter, and am still kicking myself for letting her down. Because ultimately I do want her to rely on me to be there for her.

Anyway, she said it's best we don't see each other or talk for a while, which is fair enough. But I don't know if I should be getting over her in that time- I know I can't, but I know I want her to sort everything out and get her own happiness back.

Part of me does think that maybe I didn't give enough time or space before; as good as things seemed, ultimately she still had a lot of things to sort out, as did I. Neither of us had worked on our issues. I don't know, I guess I'm just wondering if it's silly to still want and hope for that future, even though I know I stuffed up- if I just gave five lousy minutes to talk or hadn't gotten sick and was already there, maybe things would be different right now.

ynwawanm
Community Member

Hi everyone. I'm not really sure what I'm looking for here nor do I expect a reply, but... it's just gotten worse and I need to write.

So last night I received a phone call from her that has been playing in my mind since.

Over the weekend she messaged regarding some things of mine at her place; nothing bad, and when I spoke with her afterwards it was actually a nice chat. A few laughs, and whatnot. Also planning what we would do about a mutual friend's engagement party- she asked if it would be okay if she still came with me. I said that would be great, and the talk was positive.

This all changed in the last couple of days. I had sent her an image of the invite as she asked, realising I had the date wrong- she had a night booked out with a couple of her best friends on the correct date, which was ok.

As she called last night, the chat started.. okay- but, I could tell her mind was elsewhere a little, and she apologised for not being able to make the engagement. I had zero problem with that, and told her so.

As her birthday was coming up, and she was planning to go away, I asked her if she was planning anything with the girls. She was really going at me saying she didn't want to tell me. I wasn't asking to pry or anything; just making conversation. However, she did know I wanted to do something for her birthday, but wasn't sure if she would. I had actually bought her present a month ago, when we were looking back on track. Anyway, in no uncertain terms did she say she didn't want me around for her birthday- I understood. After that she said she had some things at her place, too. As do I of her's.

Anyway, I made the mistake of saying my feelings for her were still here... and that's when she told me she resented that, and that me talking like that wasn't helping. Which is fair- but I really, really didn't think she'd get to resenting how I feel. Granted, part of me does think that she is trying to push me away, and would rather I hate her. But I can't- I can't change my feelings. I still love her. Always will. But, because of that I know I've gotta let her go.

I told her if someone else made her happy one day, if course I'd understand. But, I'm also so anxious just thinking of either one of us with someone else. Even though we are no longer together.

I wish I did so many things differently.

I'm just all tears now. I don't know what to do. And I feel like an idiot for part of me still hoping we can work it out one day, even if it took years.