Ghosted and Relationship ended after 3 years, still struggling after 3 months apart

[towalkon]

I was in a caring loving relationship with someone for nearly three years although we maintained separate homes. We had daily contact mostly by phone and spent weekends together but sometimes also through the week I would stay over his place. Out of the blue he stopped responding to me and after trying to extract what was wrong he led me to believe he was just going through a rough patch and needed some time to sort himself out.

After a couple of weeks of no contact I started to try desperately to learn what was going on. He told me his ex was coming up to try and get back together again. To say I was devastated is an understatement. I cleaned out my half of the bathroom and took my clothes and retreated to my place and to a whole world of hurt, confusion, sadness, anger, sorrow. He would not talk to me apart from saying there is nothing to say 'I have moved on'.

My gut feeling then became that he had been lying to me about his ex and that he could possibly have been lying to her about me and just been using me up here to make life easier. His ex lives four hours away and he works and lives up here.

His neighbour who I got to know over the three years has told me that she has seen a woman regularly there with him from the time I stopped going over there. She might be his ex or she might be my replacement that he has moved on with. I just don't know. But I feel gutted either way.

I feel stuck because I do not know what the truth is. Because he did not talk to me and just stopped the relationship cold I feel like a rug was pulled out from under me and I have been flailing around trying to find my feet again. I had no reason to think this would happen.

I am seeking counselling from a clinical psychologist with the hope that will challenge my thinking. I feel almost consumed by needing to let him know how I am. But I know he does not care and does not even think about that. I have not contacted him at all for over a month but still find myself stuck. Any contact I had with him prior to that he did not respond to. The new term for it is 'ghosting' and it is just awfully painful.

I have been walking every day and trying hard to move on. I have lost weight since then and continue to wake up at 3am going over everything in my head. I am also deeply troubled by not knowing whether it is his wife and if so she does not know the truth. I feel morally bound to let her know the truth.

Struggling....

[kaycee33]

Hi towalkon,

Try to be kind and patient with yourself. I'm sure you're not an actual stalker, you're just hurt, tired and desperate for more information or some kind of closure.

I went through an extremely painful breakup several years ago, and I initially found myself doing the whole online stalking thing - I'm sure if he hadn't left town when he moved out I would have done something similar to you last night! It's good that you realise it has to stop though. The only thing it'll achieve is more pain for yourself and potentially some embarrassment.

When going through my darkest time, I stumbled across a blog (baggagereclaim) that I actually found really helpful for letting go and rebuilding my self-esteem. Your situation is different to mine, but maybe there will be something useful for you too?

Thinking of you.

[Croix]

Dear Towalkon~
10 January does seem a long way away at the moment, however you are doing a pretty good job of being your own councilor.

Being betrayed goes so deep, right into the heart, and is terribly hard to deal with. That’s not just words, ‘hard’ means no road-map, false starts, dead ends. The emotions do not let go easily, have hope where it is impossible. I suspect you were maintaining some sort of contact by seeking him out, writing and so on is all part of that.

It is natural for you to feel unwarranted frustration and self-blame on top of the existing grief and loss when you see yourself trying to maintain contact. You are learning from those dead ends. You have also had confirmed, by seeing a 3rd woman he has latched on to that he was never worth your affections.

There might have been some justification for his returning to his ex if there were children, however simply discarding you for another is totally reprehensible, he is a user.

Resolving to remove all contact sounds good, as does getting the puppy picked up. As for driving out of your way, do you think the extra time will make you think of him more or less?

A fresh thing in your life to occupy your mind might be good. Is there any chance of that? There are infinite possibilities – Art class, volunteer in anything from an op shop to a museum (RSPCA?), go visit someone elsewhere … you would know.

Croix

[PamelaR]

Hi Towalkon

Thanks for getting back to me. It's nice when someone recognises you.

10 January isn't too far away now. If in the meantime though you need to talk to someone rather than as you call it 'stalk' him, then think about phoning one of the support services, e.g.

Lifeline 13 11 14 (or if you want to do it online and chat go to - www.lifeline.org.au/Get-Help/Online-Services/crisis-chat)

Beyond Blue 1300 224 636 (to chat, see the link at the bottom of this page)

Try to be kind to yourself Towalkon. I've done exactly as you are doing sometime in my life. I found it wasn't worth it. The only person it hurt was myself. Finding things to build myself esteem and self worth were so much more important than following the person around. So I found folk music, folk dancing - it lightened my life and my self image.

The older I get the more I realise having people around me who don't help me build my self image aren't really worth the effort. There are so many nicer people out there. You deserve to meet some of them and to rebuild yourself.

Thank you for continuing to share your journey. We're here to listen and to let you know you're not alone.

Kind regards

PamelaR

[JessF]

Hello towalkon, I thought I'd pop in and say something about the letters... writing them can be very cathartic. My psychologist suggested to me that either I burn them, or give them to him and he would put them in his fireplace for me. It can be a very symbolic and beautiful way of letting go of feelings and thoughts. I'm sorry you're hurting so much right now.