Ghosted and Relationship ended after 3 years, still struggling after 3 months apart

[towalkon]

I was in a caring loving relationship with someone for nearly three years although we maintained separate homes. We had daily contact mostly by phone and spent weekends together but sometimes also through the week I would stay over his place. Out of the blue he stopped responding to me and after trying to extract what was wrong he led me to believe he was just going through a rough patch and needed some time to sort himself out.

After a couple of weeks of no contact I started to try desperately to learn what was going on. He told me his ex was coming up to try and get back together again. To say I was devastated is an understatement. I cleaned out my half of the bathroom and took my clothes and retreated to my place and to a whole world of hurt, confusion, sadness, anger, sorrow. He would not talk to me apart from saying there is nothing to say 'I have moved on'.

My gut feeling then became that he had been lying to me about his ex and that he could possibly have been lying to her about me and just been using me up here to make life easier. His ex lives four hours away and he works and lives up here.

His neighbour who I got to know over the three years has told me that she has seen a woman regularly there with him from the time I stopped going over there. She might be his ex or she might be my replacement that he has moved on with. I just don't know. But I feel gutted either way.

I feel stuck because I do not know what the truth is. Because he did not talk to me and just stopped the relationship cold I feel like a rug was pulled out from under me and I have been flailing around trying to find my feet again. I had no reason to think this would happen.

I am seeking counselling from a clinical psychologist with the hope that will challenge my thinking. I feel almost consumed by needing to let him know how I am. But I know he does not care and does not even think about that. I have not contacted him at all for over a month but still find myself stuck. Any contact I had with him prior to that he did not respond to. The new term for it is 'ghosting' and it is just awfully painful.

I have been walking every day and trying hard to move on. I have lost weight since then and continue to wake up at 3am going over everything in my head. I am also deeply troubled by not knowing whether it is his wife and if so she does not know the truth. I feel morally bound to let her know the truth.

Struggling....

[Sasha74]

Dear Towalkon,

Just wondering how you’re going? I know it hurts, I really do but as all the other people have said you are a loving, compassionate and complete person who will get past this, eventually. I too and struggling atm but I find reading posts on here and speaking or texting with a couple of close friends helps enormously.

I am not a man hater, my comment was made in jest!

You are not alone.

Thinking of you

x

[Croix]

Dear Sasha74 (with a wave to Towalkon) ~

I'm sorry you are struggling and I'd not blame you in the least if you were put off men, a breakup like that hurts so deeply and is terribly hard to deal with. Being in a loving relationship can mean the world, and if you find it was nothing of the sort (at least by the other person) it is devastating.

I think your comments, particularity the one about the letter, most insightful.

You are also right that not trying to face things like this in isolation is good. Understanding from others who have been down the same path does help as does simply talking.

Croix

[towalkon]

Dear Sasha

Thank you for you getting back to me and checking in.

I know you don't hate men. I understand your comment and if we were talking about this over a coffee or something we could exclaim "men!!arrrgghhh"..... and smile or laugh and fully get it....woman to woman 🙂

How cruel to pull the pin on your relationship on New Years Eve. That would have underlined the sorrow. I'm so sorry to hear that you are experiencing sadness and hurt too.

I agree that coming on here has helped me to see it all out on paper and to know I am not alone and hearing other people's opinions on my situation and reading other people's stories is heart warming and comforting.

[towalkon]

Hello Croix

Thank you again for your input.

Is there a way to locate someone's 'thread' or 'posts'. I thought this might be helpful when their story is similar to your own.

Thank you.

[towalkon]

Hello again Croix

I have looked up Vivaldi Four Seasons on Utube and am listening to that while I type this. How special is that. The four seasons of the soul. I'm plodding through a Winter here now but I know that Spring will eventually come. This will not be the end of the world for me even though it is a struggle now. I have been here.

I understand how work is important too. Thank goodness I had that to go to every day when this all unfolded in late October. I was a robot on autopilot with a big mask on for the world.

I have made progress since then I think but still struggle with all of these intrusive thoughts. I think I just have to sit in the season for a while and let it be, while still doing all I can to help myself through. You can see I talk to myself a lot in my head.

Utube has clicked over into Beethoven 'Silence' ....

With regards to my comment on his youngest child being 17 years old I actually ran out of available words in that post. I suppose I was thinking that it is better that the children are grown now and he has been lying to them about me as well? Again, on to questioning my motives....if he was trying to deceive his ex wife and children about me and the relationship we had should he not be exposed? He negated me and trivialised our relationship. It was significant and involved intimacy and regular ongoing daily contact over three years. The woman he is seeing regularly now...is she indeed his ex wife or just another me...being used on the side and his ex wife still remains in the dark about any involvement he has up here ...with me or anyone else. If that is the case and he is continuing to deceive her should I not let her know. He lives and works four hours from his ex so it is easy for him to maintain a separate life. As I said in a previous post his visits down there were not often and if they were he would do them in a day or overnight. So he could easily be using her and used me and now using this new replacement of me. Because I have had no proper discussion or closure from him about this I feel like I need to stand my dig and stand up for myself. Everyone has the right to be happy and to be with and spend life who they want but not by using and trampling over people on their merry way. Bring on the counselling!! Hope. I hope the counselling will help.

Thank you again Croix.

[towalkon]

Hello Pamela R

Firstly I have to say I did reply to your post but I think at the point of me sending it my internet must have cut out or I did something to wipe it. I waited for a day or so to see if it was still with the moderators but my reply has not appeared so it must have been wiped or somehow not sent..off in cyberspace somewhere.

So, thank you for your input and your kind words. I feel all of those things, punched in the gut, used, disrespected and disposable.

Your description of 'ghosting' is accurate too. That is exactly what it is like. I had never even heard of the term before this. It is very cruel.

I am trying really hard to stay focused on me and trying to enjoy life again. I presently feel like I am just going through the motions. I go back to work in a few weeks so that will help again. We were going to do things together these holidays. I have been catching up with family over the Christmas break too so that was helpful. I don't have much of a social life now that the kids are grown so I will have to do something about getting involved in something again.

The kind words shown to me here are helping me to realize I need to stop talking myself down and even sometimes blaming myself for falling short somehow with him. I know .... I might as well get a stick and hit myself over the head. But to be truthful I do find myself thinking what did I do wrong?

Your words are wise Pamela. Thank you. Objective viewpoints are always welcome especially when I am running it all through my head and not talking about it to anyone. I am hopeful that the counselling will help.

[Croix]

Dear Towalkkon~

You were asking about locating similar threads here on the Forum. While it is not that straightforward there are several things to try.

If you can search using Google then try 3 searches:

"left me" beyondblue forum

ghosting beyondblue forum

ghosted beyond blue forum

(The double quotes in that first search are needed)

Apart from that simply browsing the Forums / Relationship and family issues section may bring up others.

As for your reply to PamelaR these things do happen, the internet has often eaten my posts.

PamelaR is right to point out that this is not down to you, however sadly it is only human to wonder if one has made a mistake or fallen short in some way even though such thoughts are instinct and misguided. Hard to keep them away but I suspect you will sooner rather than later.

By know you may have gathered there is no great enthusiasm for you writing to the ex-wife, or telling here in some other way what has been happening. I have tried not to suggest either way however I think now I should say I've seen instances where a great deal of misplaced aggression has come out of quite blameless situations. For some it is easier to go on the attack than deal with the problem. It can be a right can of worms.

Croix

[towalkon]

Hello all,

This is almost too embarrassing to write but in so doing it might help others as well.

Tonight I walked in to the pub that he frequents on the pretense that I was picking up my daughter, all the time feeling anxious but also I think I knew I would see him there too. He likes to frequent the pokies there he says to relax and switch off from his high demanding job and the pub is in walking distance from his unit. There you go another red flag I should have taken notice of as a negative ...he likes the pokies and he likes to drink but he always assured me he was in control of all that and he did always seem to be financially in control.

I saw him. He saw me. He ignored me and turned his back on me. He was with his new lady in the pokies room. Gutted. My Irish wanted me to stand tall, walk over and say something like 'fancy meeting you here' 'oh you must be (his wife), or any other number of stupid things running through my head, but I didn't. I slowly walked out. I have seen photos of his ex wife and this woman was not her. I know common sense says to stay away completely from him. What am I doing?

I have also been looking after his neighbours dog for the weekend because she has gone away. That was an arrangement we had when I used to go to his unit. I love this beautiful little puppy and I have a key that she wanted me to have so I could get him for walks and take him when she was not there.

So, what did I do when I picked him up. Sat there on her balcony and heard the music and conversation and laughter from next door where my ex was entertaining his new partner. The pain and anxiety just washed over me and I felt sick to my stomach. I should have asked his neighbour to drop the puppy off for me. But no, I said I'll get him and to be truthful, I think it was so that I could hold my head up boldly and walk there where I always walked and should still be able to walk to pick him up probably thinking to myself, maybe he'll see me and know that I don't give a toss.

Why am I doing this to myself? Punishing and tormenting myself? Is it because I had no conversation with him when he ended our three year relationship and continued to not want to talk to me at all and am I thinking I will find answers if I see him? To see him with her?

What am I doing this for? Mucking around with letters and the like. I have also been writing a letter to him over and over which I also havn't sent.

Any input, not matter how harsh, appreciated.

[towalkon]

Hi Croix,

Thank you again for your input and for the threads. I will locate them. Your assistance here is very much appreciated.

[towalkon]

Okay...

I have again awakened early with little sleep.

I ran out of words in my long post last night but to continue with that...my behaviour last night has scared me and I am trying to be my own counsellor here.

I'm realizing with dread that it is actually a type of 'stalking'. Not in the extreme dangerous sense but nonetheless turning up somewhere hoping to see him is 'stalking'. And to see him for what? What good will that do? Certainly, no good for me and no good for him. And now I am thinking maybe the letter thing is a type of stalking as well to keep the connection going in some way?

I have just read an article written by Lisa A Phillips. 'I have become a stalker'.

So, this has to stop. No more. This has just got to stop. Looking back on Pamela R's post 'I'd stay away from him and his wife' is resonating with me now. Not that I would attempt to go anywhere near his ex wife but maybe a letter is still doing that isn't it.

His next door neighbour comes back today and I will contact her to come to my place to collect her puppy and stay away from him and his unit. Also, the quickest way to get to the shops down town is to drive past his unit. From today I will go the long way round.

My appointment with the psychologist is on the 10th January and it seems so far away.