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Getting back with ex. ?

Donnatella
Community Member
I have just recently broken up with my ex. We used to live together and when I found out he was chatting to another girl I kicked him out. It’s still fresh and we all know that grey area of still talking to their exes and intimacy with their exes. This is where I’m at, except that ; now he’s living on his own and things not the same. We would get intimate but then he would go home n I’m left feeling less of value. I love him so much, I’m so confused. Messages getting less, he seems to be enjoying his freedom but still have access to me. He did say to give it another try but with what he’s done n my trust issues I feel like he’s having the best of both worlds.
please give me advice on how to deal with this?
9 Replies 9

On The Road
Community Member

Hi Donnatella, just passing by as someone who stays up late πŸ˜‚ welcome to the forum

Sorry, I don't have particularly valuable advice to offer, and I'm sorry that things are not easy for you at the moment. I can see that you still deeply love your ex, but what he did hurt you and now you are unsure if you want him back. from my personal perspective, I would suggest slowing it down first, giving yourself time and space to reflect on your feelings: hurting feelings, feeling worthless (after intimacy), affection still lingering, and the suspicion of him taking advantage; weighing your feelings and potential consequences whether you getting back or not. No need to make a decision at this moment.

One thing that you suspect is that "he's having the best of both worlds", how would you feel about it if it is true? would you feel less love towards him? or would you feel unfair that you can't have the same? ( a lot of females are in a disadvantaged position in this kind of situation)

It's really hard, I can feel you, loving a person is not something that can be taken away easily or developed forcibly. As someone who's in no way a relationship expert, please take my suggestion with a grain of salt. put yourself first and take care of yourself πŸ™‚

Resolute459
Community Member
Ah. I think he probably loves you to if you are feeling it. You don't take chances on love. Further, you are seeking advice a little soon probably so let it ride and be cool but not cold.

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello Donnatella, this must be confusing to you, which I'm really sorry for.

The point that he says ' to give it another try' could only be on his terms as perhaps he likes to 'want to eat his cake and have it too'.

When you are intimate you would expect him to want to stay with you, unfortunately, this doesn't happen, and as much as you love him, I would be careful that you don't get hurt, because your health is a priority.

I am sorry and hope this works out for you.

My best.

Geoff.

Beaser
Community Member

Hi Donnatella.

Im sorry to read of what your going through. I am experiencing a similar situation with my ex girlfriend. We kept in contact via text and phone calls . Last week we attended a concert that was put back due to covid. Although we didnt get intimate it still seemed to really upset me and got my hope up. I can only imagine how after seeing him this would be so painful and is this good for you . I feel that this has set me back after going ok . I know its hard as it is for me but i think as im always told its best to try and go no contact at least to give you some time to understand how you really feel. You certainly deserve to be treated with respect and not at someones convienience. I wish you well and am happy to talk further . I know its tough please stay well and healthy. Brett.

Guest_7403
Community Member

I think its best to have an honest chat with him about the betrayel your feeling and the lost trust you have in your partner.

Also would be a good idea to speak to him about why he was chatting online? What were his intentions?

Was it loneliness? Something lacking in your relationship? An external stress factor?

Theres a myriad of reasons and I feel it would be best for you to discuss them with him genuinely, and then make a decision as to whether you can trust him again and move forward, or whether that bonds broken permanently and its best you both start fresh alone.

I think most couples who have made it through an unfaithful episode would agree that you must fully forgive and not hold it against him in order to move forward.

If you're unable to forgive and move on without resenting him, throwing it in his face, and not trusting him then it will be very hard and emotionally draining on both you and will most likely only delay the inevitable.

Take some time to gather your thoughts, and have an open honest communication with him regarding what's happened and what you both want moving forward.

Take care of yourself

Karen0901
Community Member

I would suggest that you stop being intimate with him. See if he is still interested in being with you if you take that away. I have a feeling you may be getting taken advantage of here. If he really wants you he will make an effort to be with you. Is he also being intimate with other people? If yes, be especially cautious about being used.

Remember there is always someone else who will treat you right. Don't feel of less value. Sometimes people are just too self absorbed to be a good partner in life and it has nothing to do with you.

shadow49
Community Member
Sorry ,as I tend to be a little blunt/honest.
one word .
Run
This man is using you ,he dont Love you
Love hurts we all go through it.
In time you will find a partner that loves and values you.
 

DeepBlue1771
Community Member
Hi Donatella, I've been through a similar experience so I wanted to respond.  I understand the temptation to keep your ex in your life, you still have feelings for him and you have hope he will see the light and choose you. I know how hard and lonely it is to be cheated on by someone you're still in love with, it hurts like hell.  But please trust me on this, you need to stop sleeping with him and set some boundaries.  Don't be a 'pick me' girl.  He has chosen to cheat  on you behind your back and you kicked him out, yet he still continues to have the security of free access to someone he's familiar with whenever he chooses while enjoying all the benefits of the single life.  You were in an exclusive relationship (or thought you were) and now you have been demoted to a friend with benefits.  He's giving you less attention because he's probably spending time with the other girl (or girls).  He doesn't have any desire to change because he knows you're still so in love with him that he can do whatever he wants and you'll still be there for him.  You need to control your feelings and choose self respect, because if you don't respect yourself he can never respect you, and if he doesn't respect you he cannot love you.  Cheating is never acceptable.  Let him feel the real loss of you in his life, this is the only way he maybe will get to experience true regret for his actions.  Choose the loving action for yourself.
.

ecomama
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi Donnatella, welcome to the forums. 

 

It's a sticky situation you're in for sure. It's really difficult to have that physical intimacy without it giving you hope things are on the road back. 

 

But as you said, you kicked him out because he was chatting to a girl... if this is a deal breaker for you, enough to kick him out (which I applaud you for!)... then 2 things...
1. Do you want to be with a "partner" who is not being monogamous? 
2. The situation that has evolved looks more like a booty call thing.. if you don't know who he's speaking to etc etc then you have less than you had when living together. 

 

Depends on what you want really. 

 

I think he is having his cake and eating it too. 

 

Yep I'd go low contact or NC and whilst you're in your space, have a look at Chump Lady online. She has AWESOME hilarious advice and you can feel empowered by reading up about it all. You may even see his exact words quoted in this site and know you're being manipulated / taken for a ride. 

 

I love how another BB Member mentioned self care! The 180 strategy is another thing to read up on and it's basically all about looking after yourself. We also have a self-care thread on BB with TONS of ideas. 

 

Respect comes from treating ourselves with respect first. 

NB: None of it will be "easy", having a broken heart is hard but marrying the WRONG person is a billion times worse. 

 

Best wishes 
EM