From wedding/kids talk to being dumped within a week

[timewillheal]

Hi All,

I'm currently struggling with a recent breakup where my bf of 3 years, whom i lived with for 2 years literally broke up with me out of the blue and within 20 minutes was gone. (He's 30, I'm 29). We had no issues in the relationship, only laughs and smiles, there was a lot of love and respect (argued about 4 times max in that whole time). The breakup totally blindsided me - no explanation, no communication, no conversation, he simply just walked out. He then spent the next 6 weeks crying and struggling, contacting me telling me he's depressed and feeling low and of course me being the kind and caring person i am, i was there for him in his time of need. Looking back now, i feel used by him during this time as i was the one who was dumped and yet i was looking after him.

He has now moved back into the apartment we shared, and i've moved out. He told me he was still so confused about his decision and wanted to find clarity and felt that being alone in the apartment would provide that. I bumped into him the other day and it seems he has come to a decision that this is 'the right choice right now'.

Just finding it very difficult how someone can go from having a beautiful, healthy relationship where there was nothing wrong, to absolutely zero contact. We were best friends and he threw it away because he said he 'freaked out' after attending friend's weddings. I wasnt putting any pressure on him for marriage etc, in fact i told him the opposite the week before he broke up with me. His reply was bluntly "i don't feel pressure" - when, in fact, he was feeling a lot of pressure and just didnt tell me. Instead, he would talk about our wedding, kids, houses, future all the while feeling 'pressure' and not communicating with me.

I understand getting over a breakup takes time, it's just very difficult at the moment because everyday is excruciatingly painful. It feels like incessant pain where i just seem to be stuck in some sort of mental pain cycle. There are days where i feel okay and days where i feel so low i just cry the whole time. I wonder whether there is a chance he will 'realise'. I feel better when i talk about it and would love to chat with someone whom is going through the same thing to support each other.

[timewillheal]

Hi FragileFamily,

Nice to hear from you again. I also hope this will be the wakeup call he needs, however, i can't put all my hopes on it. As difficult as it is, you're right, if he does seek help, it doesn't necessarily mean he will go back to his normal self or he'll come back to me. We just have to keep focusing on ourselves.

That's good that the things you are reading shows you're not the cause or responsible for what she is going through. It seems she has issues and has unfortunately put you in this difficult position on more than one occasion. Should the opportunity arise for reconciliation, i would definitely take your advice and make him seek help as a stipulation.

It's so good you've identified what helps and what makes you feel better. I, too find talking about it therapeutic. Is the support group for dads face to face or online?

I take a lot of solace in knowing that this is our partner's choice and is therefore out of our hands - all we can do is just go through the process and allow time to do it's thing.

[FragileFamily]

Hi timewillheal,

Things haven't been great I've lost my way alittle bit. Being pressured into working out what's best for the kids has caused some conflict. The support group was face to face yes but I don't think I'll go to that anymore. My situation aside from being a struggling single dad doesn't really fit the demographic. It's not that it's a bad place but it goes really late at night night in the middle of the week.

Some defusing and mirroring things I've learn in the book have helped to deflect any attacks that come my way. Which only further promotes my concerns.

Hope you've been doing better than I have the last few days!!