Friends that ditch I am really struggling with this mentally.

[Grogu_Lover]

Hi lovely people. I am new to these forums. Started hunting around for someone/where to talk about all of this going on in my mind.  I don't have a lot of friends and genuinely care for the ones I do have. I make connections and work really hard on these friendships. One friend I met through my daughter, it was her friends mum. We are the same age and hit it off. We had known each other for a few years and always had a good chat when girls had sleep overs. Anyhow, about 2 years ago we started hanging out a lot more, I would go to hers for a cuppa and we would chat for hours. We did movie day at my house, drinking, lots of fun days. I had her kids stay with me for a week when a relative of hers was ill and she had to go interstate, took her kids to School and picked them up most days, for quite a few months. We would talk most days, she told me how she had been hurt in the past by friends and hated it and would't do that to me. Well her husband and her were having issues and she reached out to another friend (which is fine btw) but she started to pretty much stop talking to me unless I messaged her. I haven't seen her since, and still now don't unless I message her first. We went from being great friends to literally nothing overnight. The end of her marriage changed her I think. She said she has been hanging around others that knew what it was like. Fair enough but to just not talk to me suddenly really hurt and still bloody does. She has since moved away, didn't bother saying goodbye. I wouldn't of even known had it not been for Facebook. Another friend I have known for 10 years, suddenly blocked me on FB and everything else because I am friends still with the girl who was her best friend and they stopped talking. She just gave away 10 years of friendship just because I associate with that girl still. Another friend stopped talking to me again due to mutual friendships that ended. We are adults and surely can be friends with others even if they have a friend that they no longer associate with. These last two girls have really effected me mentally. I keep saying is there something wrong with me, or do I get to a used by date and no good anymore, so just discarded. It hurts so much, I don't know if I can trust anyone else now. Don't want to get too close. What do I do? How do I recover from these betrayals?

[Sophie_M]

Hi Grogu_Lover,

Welcome to the BB Online Community Forum. We're really glad to have you here. Thank you for posting here tonight.

Grogu_Lover, being burnt by people we trust can be incredibly painful, and it's not a place any of us ever want to be in.

When things go wrong we often wonder what's wrong with us before considering what may be wrong with the other person instead (thank you mean inner voice!)...

Try to keep some perspective and look at the evidence. It sounds like you've been a wonderful friend, supportive, helpful, kind and loving. Sometimes we just don't know what's going on in other peoples lives and it's not always our fault.

If you would like to talk to one of our counsellors at any time, please give us a call on 1300 22 4636. or perhaps you'd prefer webchat (texting instead of phone)? We're available 24/7, and its confidential.

Hope we hear from you again soon,

Kind regards,

Sophie M

[mmMekitty]

Hi Grogu_Lover, welcome. I'm not sure I can offer any advice, as I have had the problems of keeping friendships. I'm not even sure I recognise the genuine friendships from the other people I've known who turned out not to be friends after all.

I have watched as some people struggle when on has a falling out with another & their mutual friends seem to think they have to take sides, or back away from everyone. It's a really difficult situation.

The one who was a friend of your daughter's friend - maybe that just became difficult for her, lots of maybe reasons I dare not guess at. If she has given you no satisfactory reason, then you only have what she has said & need to respect that she evidently made a decision & no longer wants to be friends with you.

I wonder, how's your daughter? I am guessing, she has lost her friendship too.She might be needing her dad, just now, while she misses her own friend.

For myself, I can say, when I've left a friendship, it was due to my own trust being broken, & to my needs not being met, but rather, trampled on instead. I've been in some bad ones, & am very reluctant to try anymore. I fear I will still find myself feeling some close ties to someone being torn away when something happens, something that begins the end of the friendship, whether they leave or I leave, it still hurts.

After quite a while, months, years, (maybe never), it doesn't hurt so much, & I am able to look back & understand more about why the friendship wasn't what I thought...& the rest I'm still working on.

Be kind to yourself & your daughter.

Warmly,

mmMekitty

[ecomama]

Dear Grogu_Lover, welcome to the forums. 

Lines are blurry with friendships. 

It may hurt, a LOT, when one ends especially if we, in particular, valued that friendship.
If THEY made the decision to fade out or block, perhaps feelings of rejection or abandonment have been triggered? 
"The Road Less Traveled" by M.Scott Peck would be a good read if you're interested.

IDK other circumstances around the friendships but going with my gut instincts, I think it's more of a "we don't 'fit' any more" thing. 

A Psychologist once said to me (after being betrayed by a H after 20y of MY hard slog).. sic "the depth of hurt and betrayal we feel is measured by our investment in the marriage". 
But you're not married to friends. There's no contract.
Using the word "betrayal" over friends ending relationships, is a very strong word to use. It shows the investment you had. 

You say you "genuinely care" for your friends and "work really hard" on these friendships. I believe you! 
(I think others feel they can't measure up to how much you give).
My question is why?

IME healthy friendships are not "hard work". We may go through HARD times or help them move house, that's hard. But ebbs and flows of long standing friendships have almost everything happen - as mine have over 50+ years...
IF there's mutual respect, LOVE and deep caring then they survive. 
Without these they dissipate which I'm glad for. 

No one needs LOTS of friends, just a few sterling ones. Thoughts?
Love EM

Yes you're grown up! This doesn't mean a person should maintain a relationship they can't manage for whatever reasons. 

[Petal22]

Hi Grogu Lover,

Im sorry this has happened but it’s not you it’s them.

Please try to let it go because it’s not worth your time.

Move forward and embrace the new people who are coming into your life that are replacing the old.

Sometimes I believe that God removes people from our lives because he hears what they say about us behind closed doors.

You deserve better have faith it’s for the best.

[geoff]

Hello Grogu Lover, unfortunately when people who you classify as a friend and usually have a great time together, don't want to break this enjoyment by discussing the bad things in life, simply because then this relationship suddenly changes.

Sure you can discuss what's going on in the world, but it's different to talking about the hardship they may be experiencing with themselves and don't want to break this friendship, so awkward situations then evolve.

Geoff.

Life Member.

[Grogu_Lover]

Hi Sophie, Thank you for responding to me. I am thinking about doing an online chat, as I do prefer texting over actually talking (I hate the phone lol) however I need to find the right time with kids at home all the time (homeschool) but I would like to chat more about it as it is really bothering me this time. I am feeling used, and tired of being a door mat. I do have the mutual friend to the girl that blocked me but even that I am scared she will just up and leave too. Thanks again for replying

[Grogu_Lover]

Thank you for your reply. My daughter hasn't seen her friend much at all since they stopped attending the same school. As far as I am aware she isn't worried about it, she had other things going on that I think probably outweighed that loss of that friendship. I still am 'friends' online with that women but it isn't like it was, which for me is sad. I just don't like the feeling of being tossed away I guess. Thank you for your prospective of things too, I appreciate it. 

[Grogu_Lover]

Thanks everyone for your replies. I appreciate the support and thoughts and different perspectives to look at. It really does help. I do like the perspective of god removes those friends and I firmly believe things happen for a reason. When I am mentally strong (thankfully most of the time) I can say to myself these positive thoughts of things happen for a reason. One person said that sometime you are a step that that person needs to continue on. I think what has bothered me is my friend said she wouldn't just up and leave because she has friends that have done that to her, yet she has done that to me. I don't many friends, I would prefer to have a few genuine close friends then many (I am not a social, party type person) and that's why it hurts me so much to lose a friend that I thought was becoming a BF. Again, thank you for your thoughts

[Petal22]

Hi Grogu Lover,

Thats ok I’m glad that our replies have helped you in some way.

I understand what has happened would feel disheartening to you but sometimes I think it’s best just to not get mad at a person who betrays you, or even question it.

Just gracefully bow out and enjoy the new people that god puts in their place.

Your people are out there and you will find them.

Please keep a pure heart and give yourself self love.

You are WORTHY 

You are LOVE

Stay positive 

❤️