Financially bound by my ex

[jamiel]

I don't know what to do. I am at a loss and don't know who can help. 11 years ago I bought my first home with my abusive ex. He wasn't really physically, just emotionally and verbally. There was also a lot of gaslighting. My father passed when I was a little girl and we used most of my inheritance to secure our first home. 2 homes and 2 kids later i finally had the strength too leave. Now my ex is in the mines as FIFO and earns a decent income but he is terrible with money. Isn't capable of saving, likes to show off and spend money on his mates, holidays all the time. I left him 2 years ago. He is still living in the family home and we have an investment home also that is on the market. Consent order's have been signed and he accepts and is liable for both homes as I was a single mum trying to get through this. He has proceeded to move on, have another baby and partner that lives in my home. He has got himself in such a hole of debt that the bank will not refinance to get my name off any loan. He has used Covid to put halts on our home loans and hasn't paid anything since march. He is going to destroy my credit rating soon as he just keeps spending and spending. We also share a personal loan that he has now defaulted on which has impacted my credit rating. I am just so scared and upset. I suffer anxiety, depression and still trying to overcome the narcissism and abusive way i was treat for 12 years. I dont know how to get out of this. The bank wont set me free and all I want to do is provide a new life for my kids but as long as I'm stuck on the loans, he is going to ruin my credit rating and I'll never be able to get forward.
I am just so defeated and have no idea how to get out of this hole.
Sorry for the long message.
I dont know if anyone has any suggestions but it is good to vent.
TiA

[james1]

Hello jamiel,

Welcome to the forums, it is nice to meet you here.

It sounds like you are in quite a predicament with your ex, and I understand you are feeling really scared and upset about this. I'm not quite sure what you are able to from a practical perspective, and I hope there are others who perhaps may be able to share some good advice, because it sounds like a really terrible burden to be under.

It's so important to have independence from your ex but it seems like you are tied to him at the moment. From what I understand, you do not want to, or can't, stop the shared loans, is that right? To be frank, it's going to be very hard to get peace of mind while you are still financially tied to him like that and it sounds like he's not going to change. It also sounds like he's living in your home with his new family, and I am not sure if you are also living with them?

Still, I understand you are feeling really defeated and stuck, and I can see that your ties to him are causing a lot of stress for you. Have you sought any professional help, either financial or legal, to get some independence back?

James

[geoff]

Hello Jamiel, I've been sitting on your comment since this morning and to have our ex stay with his girlfriend and baby is going to create many waves to how you are feeling.

He won't be able to move on while he's making use of staying there with his 'new' family, although I understand the predicament, but perhaps to sell your second home at a reduction may enable you to buy his share or otherwise enable you to have finance t purchase another property thus making the main house to be put on the market 'or for him to buy your share.

I realise there are a lot of 'ifs and buts' associated with doing this, but the aim is to be able to financially separate and be apart from him.

There will be much you want to add to this, which is good, because then we can continue talking about this problem.

Take care.

Geoff.

[jamiel]

Thanks for the replies. I left my ex 2 years ago. Moved into a rental on my own. Had to go on centrelink and for the first time in my adult life be independent. Such a relief to be separated but i worry about my boys being around him, turning into him.
He is terrible with money and the banks will not let me off the loan as he has just piled so much debt and he cannot refinance.
I dont care about her living there and them starting a family. I am just so resentful that I cannot do anything financially until I am able to be freed. And I dont know how to free myself. I dread bankruptcy or him ruining my credit rating. We have had consent orders drawn up with solicitors but even then they don't hold up to the banks.
I am trying to regain my peace and I'm so much happier without him. Just really gets me down how uncertain my future is and it is determined by him.
Thank you very much for replying. It means a lot.

[geoff]

Hi Jamiel, thanks for getting back and pleased you're living away from him if I can ask a question or so, and please only answer if you want.

Your second property is being rented out or not.

My concern is whether or not he declares himself bankrupt, which is the reason why one of these properties needs to be sold and you have money in the bank.

Best wishes.

Geoff.