Feelings for a married man - should I tell him?

[MayHem84]

I am kind of in love with a guy, let's call him "Simon". I have been in love* with Simon for 2 years. I used to work at his workplace. Simon is awesome.
I know this is going to sound clichéd but it's almost as if he fell from heaven or was somehow made from my imagination. Like he's really nice, he's handsome (most handsome man I've ever seen in real life) he's polite, friendly, and everyone loves him. He's just an all round good guy. He's absolutely perfect in every way. And he's also a fireman (!) It's as if god made him just for me. Except he didn't. Because someone else already has him and has 2 kids with him. 😞
I would never in a million years get with a married man, because I respect the institution of marriage and believe that the family unit is probably the most sacred thing of all.
So nearly 2 years ago, I decided that I had to get away from Simon so I left my job and drove over 1000kms to work in QLD. The first night I was there I went out for dinner with my new bosses and my workmates. And wouldn't you believe it, the couple opposite me (let's say they are called "Trent" and "Tracey") were friends with Simon. They used to work at my old work, and Trent used to work under Simon. We had been talking about people that we knew from my old work, and when I mentioned Simon the first thing that Tracey said was "Oh, I love Simon. He's so gorgeous". That's 9 women (me, Tracey, and my old co-workers) who think that he's sexy.
I have been thinking about Simon every day for 2 years and I feel like I'm going to go mad if I don't tell him how I feel. Would it be wrong to do this? Even if I have absolutely no intention whatsoever to take anything further. I don't want to be disrespectful to his wife. But on the other hand I don't know how this is going to be received. Like, maybe he will be really happy to know how desirable he is (which he must already know) and maybe his wife will be glad that people lust after her husband (which she must already know).
I have written up a message which I was going to send to him on Facebook, but I want to hear your opinions on this first.

[w1nn1e]

Hi MayHem84,

As an emotional woman myself I can defiantly relate to having long term crushes and strong feelings for someone! 2 years is a long time to be interested in Simon as there must be something really special about him, he's attractive, popular, perfect you say?

But the reality is, no one is perfect. Not even Simon. I think you have built up this idea of him over the years that you have imagined him to be like but I am guessing you have not spent much time with him outside of work or been let into his personal life? People tend to act very differently behind closed doors, especially without the pressure of having to act a certain way amongst bosses and colleagues. I'm not saying he could be a horrible person but unless you have gotten to know him on a personal level over the years, maybe you're not actually in love with Simon, but more the "idea" of him.

Sometimes we are even more attractive to people we can't have, as you said he is a married man and the fact that many other women fancy him as well has made you want him even more. You say he is polite and friendly, but those are the only sides you've seen of him. But what else do you really know about him? You haven't mentioned much else.

Maybe he really is a lovely person who probably cares deeply for his wife so in my personal opinion, I think that sending that message would be disrespectful towards him and her. Yes, it would be flattering to know you are desired but I would find it extremely uncomfortable if someone admitted that to me knowing that I am married and even more anxious if someone sent a message like that to my husband. I know you have no bad intentions but I don't think it would be a good idea. I think there would be more negative outcomes then positive to sending that message. It would be embarrassing for you if anyone else found out that you went to the lengths of confessing your love to him online plus possibly causing issues in his marriage.

Simon is not the only good looking guy out there, I'm sure there are plenty of single, handsome men out there too!

This is just my personal opinion, I'm not telling you what to do, I just think you are better off fancying someone you could actually have a future with. It will take time to get over him since it's been two years but it will be better for your happiness and mental well being in the long run when you won't have to stress about having feelings with someone you cannot be with.

Best of luck, there's others out there! 🙂

[Guest_7403]

Hello,

You already know the answer, hes married and has two children.

Unless he becomes single and makes that known hes not available.

Keep that message to yourself, and move on.

If he was any kind of husband and recieved unwarranted messaged I'd expect him to say thanks but no thanks and not entertain it.

Sorry if that sounds blunt, no good would come of this

[Croix]

Dear MayHem84~

I'd like to welcome you here and will offer a couple of thoughts. Please don't think I'm judging you, I'm not. however I'd really not like you to be hurt (or Mr&Mrs Simon either) and think you may be letting wishful thinking and being alone rule your thoughts.

Being attracted to someone is something that happens to most of us, me included. It is however most likely 90% imagination and only 10% grounded in reality. A fair while ago I advertised for a soulmate and got a lot of responses.

When I talked to those people I found that even though I'd provided a lot of information about myself they did not really see me, but what they wanted to, glossing over anything that did not fit. Things like I already had offspring and was basically tied to one location and had my own likes and dislikes. (The one that did see me I married.)

While I suppose it is theoretically possible for both Simon and his spouse to be pleased he has come to your attention I don't really thing it likely. In my own case, not that I'm hansom or desirable, if someone did approach me in that manner I'd see it at a real worry, and I'm sure my spouse would too. People are not always secure as one might imagine.

You have not really said what you hoped to achieve if you did let him know. Can I ask what you are hoping for?

OK I've laid out some thoughts, what do you think?

Croix

[MayHem84]

Croix said:

You have not really said what you hoped to achieve if you did let him know. Can I ask what you are hoping for?

I have the overwhelming urge to tell him how sexy and adorable he is. I just feel like I'm going to explode. He has the cutest ears. And eyelashes. Everything he does is perfect. It's like the urge I get with chocolate. I just want to bite him. He's like a big chocolate bar.

I guess I just want to satisfy this urge, just get it out of my system. I actually want to move on with my life and not feel weighed down by the stress of unrequited love. I literally think about him every day. Several times a day. At first I feel elated and happy, then I feel really sad. I cry sometimes when I realise that I can't ever be with him.

I figure if I tell him how I feel then I can be rid of these feelings. I know almost for a fact that this will work. When I was in highschool I had strong feelings for someone and it made me go mental. I used to be so scared of this person, whenever I saw them I would start shaking and I couldn't talk properly. I ended up dropping out of highschool. Then 4 years later I told them how I felt, and suddenly I got over it. If I had of just told them how I felt in the first place, maybe I could have stayed in school and gone on to be successful.
This is why I want to tell him, so I can just get over it and move on.

[Quercus]

Hi MayHem84,

What about physically writing down what you want to say to him and then burning it? Would that work?

I get you feel a need to be heard by your crush so you can move on from this attachment but please consider deeply... what do you think sending him this message will mean for him?

Closure for you at a cost to him.

If that was my husband I would be unhappy. For someone to hold onto such strong feelings after so many years it would make me wonder if there had been more going on behind my back.

If it was me and I recieved a message like that I would be very angry and defensive on the behalf of my family.

I think the idea of you reaching out to him via social media could cause hurt. You do also need to consider how you will feel if he or his wife reply to you in a hostile manner. It is possible.

Or what if he replies and is keen on reconnecting? Interested in an affair?

My point is this is a decision that could impact on a family and on yourself. I don't know what you should do. Ultimately it is your choice.

I agree with the borderline though saying think it through very carefully first.

Nat

[geoff]

Hello MayHem84, I think that Theborderline has really made a good point.

You already know the answer.

Here for you.

Geoff.

[itsagamble]

Hi,

Let it go. Maybe you could read my post about what happened when I acted on an office crush recently. The fallout is destroying me and its not finished yet. It is truly heartbreaking when you realise your love is one sided. Find another man (single) and go for it. All the best.

[GemAndLogan]

Hey MayHem84,

I feel for you, really tough situation to be in for sure. We can't help who we love.

But I have to agree with the other replies- nothing good will come out of telling him how you feel.

The most likely answer if you tell him how you feel is - thanks but no thanks, he is married with a family and unavailable

Even if he likes what you tell him, he probably won't act on it because that would end his marriage and break up his family and if he did act on it then he's not as nice as he seems anyway and you would be "the other woman".

I don't need to tell you that none of those options are good for you.

You need to let this go, unless, as Theborderline has said, he becomes single and available.

Quercus has also made an excellent point, you telling him may bring you closure but it may bring him problems in his relationship too.

Let it go, move on with your life and put your love and feelings into someone who's worth it and loves you back.

Take care of yourself

Gem

[Juliet_84]

Hi MayHem84,

I agree with the others that I don’t think you should tell him. I understand your reasoning that it may help you get over him because this happened to you once before, But that’s a lot to put on someone who’s married and I also can’t inagine his wife taking too kindly of it. Like you said, a lot of women think he is sexy, this has likely happened to him all through his life. You’ve moved away, started a new life, I think you should keep going with that. Regardless of what you tell this person, this will still be unrequited love for you. We all have it at times in our life and we all get over it in time, but you will think of him for some time afterwards, less and less, until one day you don’t anymore. I see a lot of negatives and potential fallout and hurt (yours and his wife’s) from telling him but not a lot of upsides. Whatever you ultimately decide to do is your call, but I hope you consider that there’s not a lot of responses in the ‘for’ category for this one. I wish you all the best