Feeling worse about my break up months on

[Clover9312]

Hi, I’ve found it helpful to write on here before and I’ve found everyone’s responses comforting. I went through a break up almost six months ago. We were dating for 3 months. The nicest and most healthiest relationship I had ever had. I knew the guy was reluctant to have children and that this would be an issue because I grew up always wanting them. It became an issue a few months in, as we were discussing taking the next steps in our relationship. I had minimised how important children were to me when we first discussed it. There truly was a part of me that wanted to change my mind and weigh up the possibility of not having a child. However, it was clear that we both had different stances on this when we spoke more. I became really emotional and I felt that he was becoming a bit reluctant about us. He was worried about me regretting not having children. His reasons for not wanting them are completely valid, he did explain all of those things to me. He was still so kind to me despite these unresolved issues, which I’m really grateful for and we still continued to see each other for a couple more weeks after this chat. Everything was going so well up until these chats and it made me so devastated knowing I had to eventually decide whether to stay or go. But he made that choice for the both of us and decided to end things. He mentioned that over those last couple weeks, our relationship had become stagnant and that I should find someone with the same long term goals. He seemed genuinely sad and even didn’t want me to leave his house straight away when he ended it. I’ve had a lot of intrusive thoughts, wondering if it was more than just the kids issue that made him want to end things and that I was just able to easily become a platonic connection after everything we experienced. I’m in therapy, have spoken about this at length with my therapist. I find that I sometimes feel a bit better, but mostly I still feel so heartbroken. The more time that goes by, I feel awful that I’m not better and I imagine that he’s doing great. It’s making me worried that what we had was one sided and that I had deep feelings and he didn’t. It was weird not speaking to each other everyday, but he eventually broke the ice and reached out to me a week after the break up and told me that he still wanted me in his life. I was surprised by how soon he wanted to catch up. We had a lovely catch up (some time after, as I needed more healing time). He even initiated another catch up a few weeks later. I feel guilty about this, as I shouldn’t have agreed to see him if I wasn’t  ready. He seems to have kept to his promise to still want to see me, which I find kind of amazing. I wondered at first if he said that to be nice. I was even surprised when he reached out again, because I had wondered if our first catch up was just to establish a “no hard feelings” sort of thing and that would be that. In his eyes, I’m sure I seem fine. Our interactions are really natural. I’ve been amazed by how confident and calm I have been during these catch ups. But they have made me sad afterwards. He probably thinks it’s ok to be friends because of how calm I seem. Secretly I’m really upset that he seems to be able to easily catch up with me. I feel like he’s had an easier time and is probably over me completely. It makes me feel like I didn’t mean a whole lot. I feel like I need to take a step back and not see him anymore. This relationship is tied to a lot of grief in many ways that would take me paragraphs to write. Not only this, all the women in my family have started having babies. I found out that one of them was pregnant when him and I had our first emotional chat about kids. Then when we discussed it more and ended it, the family member’s baby was born. I keep feeling heartache during everybody else’s milestones and it’s really heartbreaking. This guy was really so healing for me and I’m gutted we didn’t want the same things. It took me so long to find a nice one. While I know it’s for the best, I can’t shake off these emotions. I’m meditating, seeing doctors, but I thought I’d write here tonight to gather my thoughts in words. I know I shouldn’t feel rejected, logically it made sense to end this relationship, but I’m struggling to cope with the emotions. 

[white knight]

Hi Clover, welcome again

It's like being in a washing machine while washing!. Firstly, he is doing it hard also I am confident to say, he's hurting. When single people are after a partner and are dating these issues and there are many, wont come up for some time. Imagine on a first date "by the way I want kids" or " BTW I dont want kids... in case you fall in love with me". However ideally these things should have been mentioned when the relationship first becomes serious, not months on. We live and learn.

I would continue to see him but I would say one sentence - "it is a shame that we had one factor that resulted in our demise, that I want children and you dont, but I respect your dreams dont include them, other than that you know we were perfect for each other". That kind of wording has no gaslighting in it like this "its a pity we couldnt work it out, after all you dont want kids". But judging by your post I dont think you have that approach.

You'll need to make a decision eventually, keep seeing him as a friend or break off all contact because meeting up is agonising for you. I've found on each occasion I broke off, in the end it was falling in love again that allowed me to move on.

GARDEN ELF

The heart fills with love and yet it changes course,

the love follows and hurts - of course,

then the mind suffers through loss and care...

look close and there's nobody there

To protect the one you should love the most

is to serve yourself dinner and love the host

Of all your assets even the garden elf

you care for you first to love yourself...

TonyWK

[Clover9312]

Hi, thank you for the lovely response. Part of the problem is that I lack the ability to see what I mean to people. Even when my friends say something nice about me, I find it hard to believe. I recognise where I come into this. I know I should be realising that he values me a lot, but the emotions and stories I’ve always told myself make it really difficult. I think what really is breaking my heart the most at the moment is how much time is passing and how I still feel stuck. I appreciate you sensing that he is also hurting, but I do feel worried that he was able to brush it off and say “oh well”! I just don’t know if him catching up with me is his way of coping or if he’s just 100% ok and ready to just have a friendship with me. I don’t think he is trying to get back with me by the way and I know as well that it’s not possible. I think we both genuinely want to try for a friendship. I know I’m not making sense, I’m contradicting myself. Normally people say “let’s be friends” and never catch up, but he’s been quite proactive with me. I shouldn’t be upset about that. 

I would like to maintain some form of connection with him, but I think i just need more time to heal. We did actually discuss kids quite early days actually, and it seemed like it could become an issue. He flagged the issue and I downplayed how important kids were to me, thinking I’d change my mind. I buried the issue. I don’t think we both expected to enjoy each other’s company so much, so we continued to see each other for months, knowing this was becoming something we couldn’t ignore. It seems like we couldn’t progress to that next level without resolving that issue, so that’s where things had to end. I’ve learnt my lesson now for future relationships and I’m sure he has too. I know he didn’t use me in the time we had together and I don’t think it was an excuse on his end to end things. I sure hope not. I just think we got caught up in enjoying each other’s company. Like I said, everything was going well in my opinion, other than this key issue.

I don’t want to lose him as a friend. I want to find my mate who wants the same things as me. I know what I need and want now. I’m just experiencing mixed emotions - fear of losing him as a friend, but also knowing I need to take a step back to continue healing.

I know I’m not making much sense with all this back and forth. It’s been quite emotional. I just fear I wasn’t important enough or loveable enough. And I fear I was easy to just “let go”. Could be the gremlins talking, as my therapist says. 

[white knight]

Intrusive thoughts can be your enemy, trying to make sense of our emotions and logic. I'm please you are actually quite factual about this in many ways.

Upon separating on previous occasions I resorted to distraction. Hobbies, sport, interests that wasn't very feasible while a couple. Not many ladies enjoy model planes. So utilising this time to rediscover yourself that doesn't include dwelling on your past love. 

Google

Beyondblue distraction and variety.  Also: beyondblue the best praise you ever get.  For several in your situation dating is out of the question but it can help. It can provide clarity, getting things into perspective.

Reply anytime 

TonyWK 

[Clover9312]

I have some updates. I had to put a pause on my friendship with him. He reached out to me again recently and it was clear to me that he is so completely over me and the break up didn’t impact him as much as it did me. It seems like my company is really valued, but he just felt that he couldn’t go long term with me romantically. Something he couldn’t put his finger on. It wasn’t just the differences in our long term goals, as I touched on in my previous posts. I feel like I got 49/100 in an exam. Valued platonically but just missed out romantically. His reasons just seem really wishy washy. I thought I meant something. I don’t know much about what was going on for him other than that he had a lot of anxiety around finances. 

I feel really hurt - I don’t know why he was so intent on still being my friend (as evidenced by the multiple attempts to see me after the break up). I had to be upfront with him that being friends wasn’t working for me. He apologised, he didn’t realise I was still struggling.

I just feel like I was so easy to get over. Why does he say he cares about me? I feel like I did something wrong, even though he says I didn’t. Why would he want to be my friend if there was something about me that made him not want to be in a relationship with me? 

It was a really special time in my life when he was around and I feel like all of that is just now tainted. He said he took our time together seriously and doesn’t do casual relationships. He said he had feelings for me as well, so I don’t think I was in denial or in a one sided relationship at the time. Other than being in denial about the kids issue and burying that issue, I felt like I was valued by him when we were together, so knowing that he had doubts about me romantically in the long term feels like a gut punch.