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Feeling useless......My son is in jail....... (TRIGGER WARNING - sexual assault)

opuses
Community Member

Hello, I don't know who to talk to about this that might understand. Am hoping someone here is going through something similar and we can discuss together.

My son at 20 years of age was accused by his gf of horrific sexual assaults, the stuff you only hear about on the crime channel, and worse and has been held in remand for over 8 months now whilst awaiting lawyers to get their act together etc etc.

I'm lost as to what to think. Did he do these horrible things or didn't he? Is she lying to get back at him for something etc...all these things constantly go through my mind and after 8 months am no closer to figuring it out. I like to think I can read people well but this one has me stumped for the first time in my life.

I also like to think I'm not too biased given he's my son, fair is fair and if you've done wrong you need to pay. I think my problem is I don't know which one to believe, so I can't move forward in my feelings.

I'm worried she's accused him over spite but then again I'm scared he did do these things. Which one is worse?????

He's always been angry and hot headed as a teenager, disrespectful at times and all that but this is a whole new level of I don't know what! You think that you'd know if these things are happening in the room next to you, which is where she's saying they all happened, with serious physical wounding which in the whole 10months that she lived with us, we never saw.

Anyway, the lawyers tell us a women can send a man to jail purely on her words. WHAT? I can't begin to understand the injustice in that. Someone's word is not evidence and I do understand these crimes usually only involve two people but, how easy is it these days for a woman to say "he did this" and with nothing else, he gets sent to prison??

So, I don't know what to think, my partner is very supportive but it's not his child so he's not feeling what I'm feeling and would love to talk to people who may have gone through something similar......

5 Replies 5

Donnabalnor
Community Member

Hi I can begin to understand what you are going through ex husband insisted my 4th daughter lived with my 2nd daughter and her husband it was a court battle and I lose for a time until it came out that he was sexual abusing a 13ye old girl my daughter he went to prisons and I am still angry with my ex he call RSPCA about my cat and dogs the child protection unit and the police about my treating of my girls its very hard to cope with abuse and I took to drink and deep depression if you can try and reach out to First Steps they are the only group that have help me gentle kind medical persons so nice and will help you regards Donnabalnor

opuses
Community Member
Today is his 21st birthday.....and you can't even call

Juliet_84
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi opuses,

I just wanted to reach out to you, as although I haven’t had a similar situation happen, I was so extremely impressed by your approach to things. You sound like a very balanced and rational person, and willing to remain impartial rather than a lot of parents these days who are so quick to blindly believe their child over all others. Much respect to you 👏

Unfortunately you may never truly know whether your child did these things. In a lot of sexual-based offences, there can often be a lack of evidence, particularly if sufficient time has passed before a person comes forward to report a crime. That is unfortunate like you said, but is there to protect victims as sometimes it can take time for someone to process a crime. That being said, the lack of evidence and potential for doubt does tend to lead favor the accused in most instances. But I guess what you would really want to know is, did your son do these things? Have you spoken to your son? Are you able to get a read on things? It’s a hard one as perpetrators of violence can often even blame women if they have done things, as there is some disordered thinking there and they don’t see their behavior as wrong. The court case will likely be illuminating as you will get to hear both sides as well as a bit of background to their relationship. But you may have to live with that doubt of never truly knowing. A friend of our family has a somewhat similar situation, where her brother was accused by his ex-wife of abusing her child. He denied it and was found not guilty, but she can never really be sure so doesn’t leave her children with him etc. I think there are actually specialized psychology sessions for people going through these types of situations. It may be worthwhile, just so that you can talk to someone who has experience with this and you can talk to?

opuses
Community Member

Hi, I haven't seen this until now, I didn't realise someone had replied!

Anyway, yes I ask him almost every time I see him and his answer is always "I did do some things but not the sexual stuff". By some things he means slapping her etc.

Its hard to know what to believe. I've always been able to tell when someone is lying to me but within him, I can't. I want to believe him but at the same time I'm not blinded by the fact he is my son. The only thing that makes me think he's telling the truth is that what she's claiming couldn't have happened without her being at least severely wounded by the injuries she says she sustained. That and my mum was in the unit, only a few rooms away and she's never heard or seen anything but usual fights.

Anyway, thank you for your words and yes I might have km accept I'll never know. A guilty verdict doesn't always mean guilty as a non guilty doesn't either. It simply means the jury was either pursuae d or not.

Thank you for your words

Juliet_84
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi opuses,

Thats ok, funnily enough I’ve only just come back on here myself after being absent for awhile. Do you have any updates on the situation? How is your son doing?

I asked a lot of questions last time about the circumstances etc, but the other thing to consider is, does it matter in the end? Of course, it would be a lot easier to support your son if you know he is innocent. But regardless, he is your son and he needs your support. That doesn’t mean that you have to condone any actions, and you can make it clear that you don’t condone any accused behaviour (if he did it) but you are there for him. I think a part of that is also pushing him to be honest, if not to you, to himself. And challenge some of those behaviors, the slapping etc. I think the job of a parent is to love their child, even though you may not love what they have done. But while still holding them accountable for their actions so they grow from this moving forward. I’m not sure whether your son has access to a psychologist but he may find it easier to talk to a stranger?