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BeyondBlue Hey there - read this to see what this section is all about
  • replies: 0

Hello and welcome This is the Relationships and Family section where members can talk about what is happening in their lives and the people they live with. We know that who we live with can make a big impact on our wellbeing, both in a good way or a ... View more

Hello and welcome This is the Relationships and Family section where members can talk about what is happening in their lives and the people they live with. We know that who we live with can make a big impact on our wellbeing, both in a good way or a negative way. As always, we want to hear your story and how it impacts you and encourage everyone to support each other with kindness. There are a few things to consider when posting in this section so we can all get the most out of it: Everyone’s situation is unique. We all do our best to share what is important in our story but we can never share it all. Let’s be mindful we can’t know all of everyone’s story. Anonymous but public. These posts are available to everyone and while the moderation team keeps the Forums anonymous, posts are still online for everyone to read. Have a think about what you want to share to get the best support for you. Please stay safe. This space is an amazing way to seek support from others who might understand what you are going through. We want to hear how you are going and what is happening for you. Please also consider 1800RESPECT if you don’t feel safe or 000 if you are in danger right now. You deserve to be safe. Thank you again for joining this conversation, your contributions are worthy and important to us here. Beyond Blue

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MumOf2boiz Not sure if emotional abuse or not .... can they change?
  • replies: 9

Hi all, First time posting here so thank you for reading this (sorry it’s a bit long!). basically I think my husband has a few narcissistic traits. He can’t see it and I feel like that just makes it so much worse..... I’m so sick of feeling belittled... View more

Hi all, First time posting here so thank you for reading this (sorry it’s a bit long!). basically I think my husband has a few narcissistic traits. He can’t see it and I feel like that just makes it so much worse..... I’m so sick of feeling belittled and practically ignored but we have two little ones together (a 21 month old and 5 month old). So I don’t know what to do... Basically My husband and I have been together for 8 years (married for 3) and I loved him dearly at the start. There were red flags but I told myself because of his troubled past/childhood that his frustration/ anger wasn’t his fault. However, now that we have kids and I have started on anti depressants, I’ve realised the truth. I’ve gained the self confidence to realise that my boys and I deserve better. ESPECIALLY my boys. I only want the best for them and I don’t like them seeing how my husband treats me. We’re seeing a counsellor (only had two sessions) but I still feel like he’s not trying to change. his behaviour includes, name calling (he has tried hard to stop this one), talking down/dismissing my feelings, gets super defensive over everything I say, never takes the blame for anything, it’s always my fault, I Honestly feel like he gets annoyed when I’m happy, he’s easily frustrated and gives me the worst attitude, and it’s always about him. If he’s tired, he won’t help out, if he’s Had enough of an outing we have to stop what we’re doing (we went to dreamworld and because he’d had enough we all had to leave). I feel like I’m always saying it’s not about you anymore, it’s about our two boys but he still doesn’t get it! I think the most upsetting thing was when I went through my postnatal depression, I said I needed more from him and I felt like he wasn’t there for me at all and that hurt ALOT. My brother in law noticed the depression in me more than my husband.... I guess, all I’m wanting to know is, can they change??

Widowedmumof3 Does a relationship give you an identity?
  • replies: 6

I have been seeing a man on & off for almost a year now. He is in his early 50s, lives at home with his parents, he suffered a job related PTSD breakdown around 6 years ago. I am in my late 40s & have 3 kids (2 in their late teens, the other 13). My ... View more

I have been seeing a man on & off for almost a year now. He is in his early 50s, lives at home with his parents, he suffered a job related PTSD breakdown around 6 years ago. I am in my late 40s & have 3 kids (2 in their late teens, the other 13). My husband passed away 2 years ago. When we first began seeing each other I was still coming to terms with the loss of my husband as were my children. He was extremely caring, wanting to "counsel" me, to be a "better person", he would listen intently. I am very empathetic, I do always look for the good in others & I am guilty of fence sitting and keeping the peace. I have been working on for myself since my husband passed away to find my inner strength, to be there for my children, to grow & to be in control of my life. Our happy relationship didn't last long, then it turned almost narcissistic (as mine & his friends told me) he tried control every decision that i would make, selling my home, parenting my children. When I did not take his advice he grew angry and would lash out verbally. Things came to a head & inevitably he lost the majority of his friends & me, as they felt he was abusive and disrespectful. We broke up for 4 months. During this time I regained my strength. I joined the gym, I studied mindfulness. I was healthier physically, mentally and emotionally than I had been in years. But he was always on my mind. So I contacted him, he had done very little with himself during this time. His brother had taken him in, to "protect" him. We were happy. We both agreed we would take things slowly, keeping things between us until we made sure we were in a good place. We have had many ups and downs again. For me, I feel pressured to bring him into my home, which should be a natural occurrence, but I am fearful with his personality type, he can be extremely upfront & judgemental; my kids wont tolerate that, they don't think highly of him anyway. I have tried to help him, as he is not happy in his life, suffering job related PTSD he has lost all identity but he wants someone else to find it for him. His happiness is upto everyone else. He has lost his identity in our relationship and therefore this is why he is so negative all the time. I dont believe this is true, you shouldnt be identified by your relationship?? Am i wrong in thinking this? I am at a loss as to what to do. I dont like being pushed, i have explained this, but my past, my feelings are all excuses to him. I feel worthless, maybe I am as he says.

opuses Feeling useless......My son is in jail....... (TRIGGER WARNING - sexual assault)
  • replies: 5

Hello, I don't know who to talk to about this that might understand. Am hoping someone here is going through something similar and we can discuss together. My son at 20 years of age was accused by his gf of horrific sexual assaults, the stuff you onl... View more

Hello, I don't know who to talk to about this that might understand. Am hoping someone here is going through something similar and we can discuss together. My son at 20 years of age was accused by his gf of horrific sexual assaults, the stuff you only hear about on the crime channel, and worse and has been held in remand for over 8 months now whilst awaiting lawyers to get their act together etc etc. I'm lost as to what to think. Did he do these horrible things or didn't he? Is she lying to get back at him for something etc...all these things constantly go through my mind and after 8 months am no closer to figuring it out. I like to think I can read people well but this one has me stumped for the first time in my life. I also like to think I'm not too biased given he's my son, fair is fair and if you've done wrong you need to pay. I think my problem is I don't know which one to believe, so I can't move forward in my feelings. I'm worried she's accused him over spite but then again I'm scared he did do these things. Which one is worse????? He's always been angry and hot headed as a teenager, disrespectful at times and all that but this is a whole new level of I don't know what! You think that you'd know if these things are happening in the room next to you, which is where she's saying they all happened, with serious physical wounding which in the whole 10months that she lived with us, we never saw. Anyway, the lawyers tell us a women can send a man to jail purely on her words. WHAT? I can't begin to understand the injustice in that. Someone's word is not evidence and I do understand these crimes usually only involve two people but, how easy is it these days for a woman to say "he did this" and with nothing else, he gets sent to prison?? So, I don't know what to think, my partner is very supportive but it's not his child so he's not feeling what I'm feeling and would love to talk to people who may have gone through something similar......

Rhicooper7 Too young for a baby or family just being unsupportive
  • replies: 1

Hi i'm 19 years turning 20 at the moment and I am in a relationship with my boyfriend who is 22 turning 23. We have been together for almost 2 years and we love each other a lot, we live together and feel very certain that this relationship is long t... View more

Hi i'm 19 years turning 20 at the moment and I am in a relationship with my boyfriend who is 22 turning 23. We have been together for almost 2 years and we love each other a lot, we live together and feel very certain that this relationship is long term. We have had casual discussions about marriage and kids and both definitely want the same things in those areas, he has mentioned that maybe by the end of next year he would like us to be engaged and get married hopefully sometime within the following year and then start a family basically straight after. That would make me 21 or 22 and him 24 or 25 I haven't told anyone this especially my parents because they have very strong opinions about having kids young and especially don't want me to, they have already disapproved of my choice to move an hour away from them to live with my boyfriend as he cant leave his job and i was in a position to leave mine. I want to live my life the way I want to but i'm scared that my parents will reject me and my baby. Their approval of me is really important and I want them to be proud of me I don't know what to do have my baby and try to deal with their opinions or wait any advice would be greatly appreciated

Daisyxo Struggling
  • replies: 3

Hi everyone. First time posting . Or even reaching out for that matter. I've struggled alot with depression When I was younger, I've over come alot of it as I've hit my late 20s, and I'm pretty proud of myself despite my fluctuation in moods from tim... View more

Hi everyone. First time posting . Or even reaching out for that matter. I've struggled alot with depression When I was younger, I've over come alot of it as I've hit my late 20s, and I'm pretty proud of myself despite my fluctuation in moods from time to time I am happy to be alive . I started a new relationship with a man 8 months ago, we live together now. I can say with a rational mind That i love him more than anything, he's genuinely a great partner to me. But recently I've been struggling with expressing my feelings and when I do he gets mad. And it's begun this cycle , I get upset about something and I'm So down, I talk to him and he gets pissed off because "he can't deal with this" He yells at me, insults me, and then I have to drop it because it's too hard to keep fighting Emotionally . He will eventually apologise for How he spoke to me but the initial issue never gets spoken of. I'm at my last straw I have nothing left in me and I don't know what to do Or even how to communicate with him. I'm constantly depressed . This morning was our most recent fight. He's not at home right now as he had a meeting To get to. I know when he gets home he will not try to understand, or soften all he'll do is yell And i have so much anxiety every time about this it's made me close up.

Frontsideslappy Giving my Partner space and finding it hard
  • replies: 3

Hello, So I’ve been dating this girl for about 3 months now. We met online - know a lot of the same people and common interests. We really hit it off, fell in love pretty quickly. Like nothing I’ve felt with anybody else! Something very special about... View more

Hello, So I’ve been dating this girl for about 3 months now. We met online - know a lot of the same people and common interests. We really hit it off, fell in love pretty quickly. Like nothing I’ve felt with anybody else! Something very special about this one. yet about 3 weeks ago there was an accident outside her house. We saw this poor man die after flying off from a motor cycle collision. Pretty distressing. i guess as a way I coping it threw me back a few years. I became someone I’m not usually. Co dependant and clingy - irritable, short fused. In the midst of this we were getting intimate and I freaked out - couldn’t perform and self harmed myself with slapping and punching and screaming into a pillow. this hasn’t happened in about 5 years - needless to say it’s triggered her from her previous interpersonal relationship. I’m ashamed of how she saw that but I’ve come to terms with it. It’s giving me something to work on - a wake up call if you will. yet a month later and she said she need to take a few days of space - to reconnect and that. Now it’s turned into a few weeks. specially with the pandemic going on I need her the most, miss her the most. she has made is clear when she goes through shit she pushes people away. Which is what’s happening . im struggling to deal with the fact I can’t engage with her. many tips on how long I should leave it? I’ve decided to leave her alone and balls in her court. I feel like it’s not going to work out. should I be prepared for the worst? The whole of it is driving me nuts. She’s someone I want to spend the rest of my life with. I just hope it’s our time

Becca_Maria I love my husband Im not in love with him, what do I do?
  • replies: 11

So we have been together almost 17 years, married 12 and have 4 brilliant kids! I know deep down I settled for him as a string of broken relationships had left me with rejection scars. However, for the most part it worked, i fell in love with him and... View more

So we have been together almost 17 years, married 12 and have 4 brilliant kids! I know deep down I settled for him as a string of broken relationships had left me with rejection scars. However, for the most part it worked, i fell in love with him and we managed to marry. He is a dairy farmer so from the start I have spent a lot of time on my own raising the kids. I wasnt interested in becoming part of the farm for many reasons. Fast forward and life is tougher than ever, we took a trip around Aus to rekindle a relationship, basically he had to get off the farm if we had any chance in saving ourselves. It was the best year of my life. It felt like we were different people. There was not a question of me begging him to spend time with us (farmers have no spare time) we just spent time together all the time, met new people, swam, sat on beaches, went on bushwalks with the kids, cooked together, ate together, lived together. It was amazing. We came home and still own the farm but both went off separately to work casual jobs so we still had the choice to go off and explore when we could. Fast forward we are back stuck deeper in the rut before we left, we still own and pay off the farm so on top of a 9-5 job my husband is at the farm every other waking minute...even Christmas day (which previously I had to suck up) but now we are at our wits ends. Life it toxic at home, but we are on the other side of building our life, we are in a good financial position and just sold some land and a house in order to buy a house in town (where I want to live to be closer to everything we do, school, work, kids, parents etc). But life has become so overwhelming and we constantly fight and become horrible with each other (more so me, because I am so lonely most of the time when he dosent come home I get so upset) Last night I told him how bad my mental health was and that i really was very very low. After a screaming match he just told me the sooner I got out and rented a house on my own the better. We had a brief break last November in which I came back and tried to mend things as I just didnt want a broken marriage. However, here we are again. He is a good man, a hard worker, a fabulous dad but has no concept or desire to be a loving Husband. I just crave an adult in my life and after spending day in day out with the kids I find I am so completely anxious come the end of the day because I know if he is home I basically have to fight for this attention.

Shompa Is this emotional abuse or do I need major help?
  • replies: 2

I have been married 2 yrs now. It is our 2nd anniversary in 5 days and we thought getting good takeaway and dressing up for a dinner date in our balcony will be a good way to celebrate while staying indoors. We sat down to decide on the menu when som... View more

I have been married 2 yrs now. It is our 2nd anniversary in 5 days and we thought getting good takeaway and dressing up for a dinner date in our balcony will be a good way to celebrate while staying indoors. We sat down to decide on the menu when something really riled up my husband and I noticed he is very upset about something. I nudged him to not feeel upset and angry as we were just deciding then and nothing was set in stone. He got really worked up and started yelling and abusing. I couldn't understand what made him react that way. I tried to reason out with him but he started all the more overreacting. That really upset me and I started sobbing. It always happens this way on our special days. He didn't stop. It was like I was holding myself, but I gave up. It got me so worked up I started throwing things around the house. It has always been this way. It ends up with him telling me I need help.

Guest_33 Devestating Break Up
  • replies: 1

I’ve just ended an 18 month relationship today and I’m feeling stupid, afraid and very alone. We met after 2 months of my break up from a 5 year relationship, I know I didn’t allow myself to heal but it just felt right. I was wrong.. 3 months in he w... View more

I’ve just ended an 18 month relationship today and I’m feeling stupid, afraid and very alone. We met after 2 months of my break up from a 5 year relationship, I know I didn’t allow myself to heal but it just felt right. I was wrong.. 3 months in he was talking to his ex girlfriend saying he missed her could get back with her in a second without hesitation, we separated he even spoke to other girls whilst “trying” to win me back, and I caved. I didn’t want to be alone, I believed the promises and lies. Things were good for awhile, I kept the contact and decided that we were better together then without each other, it only lasted a couple months and the same thing happened, talking to the ex. Again I feel for it and put in 200% of myself to make things work.. we ended up moving in together and 7 months of no issues, signed a lease and a month in.. fast forward to now my best friend of 7 years comes over to catch up, we drank and I went to bed first. I went to bed worried something was going to happen, I trust my friend whole heartily and I found out today that he tried to sleep with her, made comments and advances whilst I was in bed. She left and came and told me... I’ve kicked him out of the house and I’ve told my family and him it’s over. Betrayal makes you feel so worthless, it’s so hard to not self blame. I expected this to happen that’s the saddest part, I was diagnosed with severe anxiety from this relationship and I’m in counselling. I’m worried I won’t find the strength to get through this, I’ve been so hurt in my life that I don’t know how I am going to be happy again.

ReeCar123 New relationship with old baggage
  • replies: 7

Hi All, I would love to get some advice if you are happy to share. I have been in a new relationship with a lovely man for a few months. We knew each other for some time and all of a sudden, it "clicked". We are amazing when we spend quality time tog... View more

Hi All, I would love to get some advice if you are happy to share. I have been in a new relationship with a lovely man for a few months. We knew each other for some time and all of a sudden, it "clicked". We are amazing when we spend quality time together and we are both in love with each other. The problem is that he had only just finalised the separation from his wife before we clicked. He is absolutely sure it was the right thing to do and I am also not a rebound because we have spoken about that and future plans. The last month, however, he has realised that although he had lived apart from his ex-wife for a while, he hadn't yet really dealt with his baggage. Now he feels a bit worse for wear and although he knows he will need to move through and out, it's a bit hard on us. We've had to dial back a lot and are kind of taking baby steps. He is not as forthcoming with his emotional professions and needs a lot of space to deal with raw emotions. Just to clarify, he is not playing with me and slowly leaving, he's honestly struggling to deal with his baggage and his new relationship. I think the main reasons as I understand from him are feelings of failure, loss of the concept of marriage, inadequacy and guilt. I am trying to be understanding which he is grateful for. But I find it hard because I know how great we were and how hot and cold it is at the moment whenever he goes through his ups and downs. I have no doubt he still wants a future with me but I am not sure how to cope and what to do in this situation. I asked whether we should not see each other for a while so he can work through this but he looked very sad and said he would still want to see me, he just cannot move forward very quickly right now. Although I am doing my best to cater to his needs, I have my own, too. I miss a little bit of romance and it seems like most of the effort is coming from me. He seems a little self-centred and inconsiderate right now. I don't like that and that isn't the real him. How do we best manage this time until his biggest lot of baggage has lightened a bit? I do not want to break up because everyone has baggage and I know eventually he will shed some of it. I want to wait and work with him, I am just not sure how. Should I just be patient or can I say what I need even if he is incapable of catering to a lot of it? How can we make this work in the interim so that we get out the other end together? Does anyone have good tips and advice? Thank you in advance!