?Toxic mother in law ended my relationship and I can’t cope

[Kelizabeth]

I’d been in a relationship with my partner for two years when just after our anniversary I accidentally left a pair of underwear at her house. Her response to that was to send me a message calling me a whore, narcissist and manipulative. I was broken I didn’t know how to cope, my last relationship before this one was verbally abusive and the flashbacks this caused has just put me into a deep depression. In my upset I contacted my partner’s sister in law to ask if I was weird or if she treated everyone like this, at the end of the conversation she asked me to delete the messages because she was afraid her husband would find out what was said. I did and it’s a huge regret. My partner found out and after saying he loved me broke up with me the same day by text saying he couldn’t trust me anymore. I’m so lost and blaming myself. I’m caught between feeling so angry because part of me knows this wasn’t all my fault and questions if it’s all abusive and just feeling so broken and blaming myself. I haven’t eaten in 6 days I’m not sleeping and I just don’t know what to do.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Thankyou for writing in.

I often am alarmed by how one partner breaks up with another- what technique they use. What ever happened to person to person contact? I am digressing for a reason- do you really desire for such a relationship to continue with a man that doesn’t discuss problems maturely?

As for blaming yourself , why? You do not deserve to be called names and it is abuse.

Im sorry I don’t have any further advice at this time, except you can put the following thread in the search bar

the definition of abuse

TonyWK

[MummaPetal]

Hello,

Thank you for sharing your post.

I am sorry you were treated that way by both your mother in law (MIL) and partner.

I don't think it is anything you did wrong. You did what you thought was right at the time. I feel it is an issue with your MIL and partner and you've been the scapegoat. Please try not to blame yourself.

I feel for you because I know people like that and they look to blame anyone to excuse their poor behaviour.

Your partner may feel pressure to please his mother. If the marriage is going to work, it needs effort from both parties. He needs to stand up for you. He made his commitment to you. If he is unable to do that then it's not your responsibility to shoulder alone.

Are you able to talk to him at all to tell him how you feel?

Please take care.

MummaPetal

[Kelizabeth]

Thankyou for your replies

I wish I could not love him...it would make all of this so much easier. The red flags are there and I’m scared. I’m also afraid at 30 that no one is ever going to want me because of what I’ve been through. I just feel lost and I often am so aware of how stupid I sound when I talk about staying with him

[Kelizabeth]

@mummapetal

i have suggested we try counselling but he wasn’t up for it. Which hurt me too

[MummaPetal]

You don't sound stupid at all. It sounds like you love your partner very much and you're willing to do whatever it takes to hang onto your relationship.

As your partner doesn't want counselling, would you be able to at least get together over a coffee to have a decent talk? I think it's important for you both to discuss your feelings in person. You'll be able to assess better where things will go.

Hoping all goes well, you'll need to be strong with your inlaws. Don't take anything they say personally. I'm hoping your partner will give your relationship another go.

If not, then it might be worthwhile for you to see a counsellor alone. A relationship breakdown is heavy duty so it's good to get as much support as you can.

Do you have any interests? I feel that you need to love you a bit more. It might be a time now to explore what makes you feel good and to give yourself time to have some fun.

You can always check back in this forum for further support.

I wish you and your partner all the best.

MP