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BeyondBlue Hey there - read this to see what this section is all about
  • replies: 0

Hello and welcome This is the Relationships and Family section where members can talk about what is happening in their lives and the people they live with. We know that who we live with can make a big impact on our wellbeing, both in a good way or a ... View more

Hello and welcome This is the Relationships and Family section where members can talk about what is happening in their lives and the people they live with. We know that who we live with can make a big impact on our wellbeing, both in a good way or a negative way. As always, we want to hear your story and how it impacts you and encourage everyone to support each other with kindness. There are a few things to consider when posting in this section so we can all get the most out of it: Everyone’s situation is unique. We all do our best to share what is important in our story but we can never share it all. Let’s be mindful we can’t know all of everyone’s story. Anonymous but public. These posts are available to everyone and while the moderation team keeps the Forums anonymous, posts are still online for everyone to read. Have a think about what you want to share to get the best support for you. Please stay safe. This space is an amazing way to seek support from others who might understand what you are going through. We want to hear how you are going and what is happening for you. Please also consider 1800RESPECT if you don’t feel safe or 000 if you are in danger right now. You deserve to be safe. Thank you again for joining this conversation, your contributions are worthy and important to us here. Beyond Blue

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Rk2020 Need clarity of my situation
  • replies: 2

Hi I have never posted anything before. I’m in a a situation which I never dreamt of. So currently I’m living with my 2 kids alone in Australia as moved from another country 4 yrs ago with husband. I’m working full time and kids goto after school car... View more

Hi I have never posted anything before. I’m in a a situation which I never dreamt of. So currently I’m living with my 2 kids alone in Australia as moved from another country 4 yrs ago with husband. I’m working full time and kids goto after school care 4 days a week. It was the husbands choice to relocate in Australia although I was open to this and excited initially. Unfortunately he decided his career was not doing well therefore decided to move back but due to my career thriving here I was reluctant to come back with him and he has not persisted that I should come back with him. He is back to his whole family i.e. his parents ,siblings , friends etc. Although I’m happy with my career here but the burden of looking after 2 kids with no friends or family around and not much help financially from him I feel like I’m burning both ends of the candles . I have to keep working to provide for the 2 kids and support their education. Im paying for the mortgage/ household bills/ council rate/ electricity etc etc. He on the other hand is buying a house with the deposit paid by his parents back in his country and not planning to put my name as second occupant as complications with me being overseas... I don’t have any emotional connect with him and speak to him once a week along with the kids. The kids are happy here and enjoying their school. I feel quite lonely and isolated here and I don’t know if this relationship is worth keeping at all. I am worried about my future and stressed that if I fall ill or become unwell then I don’t have any support here for me and the kids. On the other hand I’m not open as yet to any other relationships here as I have heard horrible stories about new partners taking advantage and abusing the woman and the kids. I know if I clarify things with him and agree to come back he would b very happy but I’m not sure if I will be miserable back there with him .. Do you think he has abandoned the family and being selfish or am I being stubborn not to go back with him to give the kids a complete family package?

Duesentrieb Wife withdrawn and resentful
  • replies: 28

Hi, my wife and I are married since 20 years. The marriage was good for 15 years, except her constant silent treatment when we have a conflict. I asked her several times to stop that, use communication but without any success. In general I am the mor... View more

Hi, my wife and I are married since 20 years. The marriage was good for 15 years, except her constant silent treatment when we have a conflict. I asked her several times to stop that, use communication but without any success. In general I am the more patient, giving, mellow person, more of a people pleaser. 3 years ago we had a peak of her silent treatment and I started to research. It started with silent treatment and ended with narcissism. Unfortunately I have to say that she shows some covert narcissistic traits. Since that time I changed quite a bit. I ignored her silent treatment, I started to implement boundaries, looked more after myself and stopped to panic when she was in a bad mood, etc. 2 years ago she found out that I researched narcissim quite extensively but kept quite. 1 year ago she told me and was very sad about it. She felt betrayaled and is since that time quite withdrawn and resentful. I already apologized and explained the background of it but it seems there is something brocken between us. Some days are OK but every small issue, difference, different opinion, wrong word, wrong tone, etc. and she swithes into victim mode and is withdrawn again. Any ideas?

Alfi3 Recently estranged from dying Mother
  • replies: 4

My father died 15 years ago, my mother is quite old and has recently been told by her doctor that her body is shutting down My elder brother lives with her, he has never really worked, is a bully and is quite controlling He convinced Mum to make chan... View more

My father died 15 years ago, my mother is quite old and has recently been told by her doctor that her body is shutting down My elder brother lives with her, he has never really worked, is a bully and is quite controlling He convinced Mum to make changes to her will after Dad passed away giving himself sole power of attorney, enduring gardianship, executor of her will and sole trustee of a family trust. She told me about this a year ago, I flew to her state so I could go with her to speak with her solicitor and to see what changes could be made, unfortunately she told my him and he went ballistic No changes have been made, our relationship that was once caring and loving has ceased completely, neither of us willing to ring the other The reasons why I won't are: She broke her promise to my sister and I, guaranteeing that her children will be forced to contest her will in an attempt to correct the wrong My father would never have left someone who he described as a parasite in charge of their combined estate, ever Mum is more concerned with an outward appearance that he is successful rather than acknowledge he is a parasitic bully She won't ring me because she feels its my responsibility to be there in this time of her need (I am the family fixer-upper) and blames me for causing so much anxiety because I think we all matter equally and her estate should reflect what Dad would have wanted too What do I do?

white knight Narcissist partner, kids and all that drama
  • replies: 10

I married my first wife when she was only 19, me 29. I had no idea she'd turn or expose her narcissistic traits some years later. Silence was her most effective weapon, in fact it led to my only attempt on my life...one week later I left the family h... View more

I married my first wife when she was only 19, me 29. I had no idea she'd turn or expose her narcissistic traits some years later. Silence was her most effective weapon, in fact it led to my only attempt on my life...one week later I left the family home. That meant leaving my children with her and having fortnightly weekend access. As my kids were then 7 and 4yo I had to endure my ex every time we conversed about our kids. The body language, the minimal words, the refusal to allow things like my kids coming with me for parent and teacher night's...all these things were a constant battle for a further 14 years till my youngest reached 18. What kept me going was my dreams. A life without my ex, my own home, my kids visits. So when the child support stopped, so did my contact with her, a short letter "please never contact me again." That was 10 years ago. My girls now 27 and 31. My youngest sympathized with her mother and I have zero contact. My eldest is close to me. You can survive a narcissist. Be strong and wait for that moment when you are at peace. That came a few years ago when my eldest married. Are you doing ok in separation? TonyWK

Dappled_Deer Am I a bad person for considering leaving?
  • replies: 3

My partner of 5+ years has pretty severe depession. He goes through waves where he might be ok (or pretending to be ok) for months then all of a sudden will be at the bottom of the well. A few years ago was the worst and I honestly would not have bee... View more

My partner of 5+ years has pretty severe depession. He goes through waves where he might be ok (or pretending to be ok) for months then all of a sudden will be at the bottom of the well. A few years ago was the worst and I honestly would not have been surprised if he passed away. Thankfully he hasn't been that low in a long time. We are currently in a wave right now, and it was ok, till I found he had lied to me about something he promised he wouldnt do about 6 months ago and confronted him about it. Context, i'm the main provider. When he was at his lowest, he didnt work for about 2 years (a few casual jobs here and there), and he has a problem with impulse spending, so we have seperate finances. I've just found out he took out yet another payday loan several months ago for no reason. He just wanted money to spend. Luckily he is currently working, but if he wasn't this is something else I would need to pay for (I have bailed him out about 20 grand at this point). He constantly accuses me of thinking of nothing but money. And I do see why he thinks that. But its hard to have a relationship were you are constantly giving and never recieving. Im constantly giving him suppourt for his depression (he wont see anyone or take medication and his family are the "get over it" sort), im giving him financial stability, i do all the housework and cooking and groceries. I know he isnt capable of making truly rational decisions when he is depressed and I know this isnt really his fault. I love him so much, but i'm really struggling with this newest admission. I thought we were finally on the same page but its "my fault" because I wouldnt give him money. I have a few thousand as im tyring to save for a house deposit for us (and i fully expect to be the sole payer). I feel like im nothing more than a wallet. And i know i have enabled it when i was younger and wasnt aware of his diagnosis (he didnt tell me and wouldnt admit he had one). I also feel alone. All anyone tells me (friends, family even a counsellor) is that I should leave. But im so worried about what will happen to him. I know his family wont provide the suppourt he needs and he only really has 2 friends (both of whom have their own problems but are lovely people). I feel trapped by my own feelings because I do love him so much, but im realistic enough to know that life is more complicated than "love conquers all" as much as i might wish that were true.

Madeline07 Nobody knows I’m suffering in silence
  • replies: 3

Hi There, I feel like there is something wrong with me, like I might be broken, or missing a part? I had my first child in July 2019 and I think I may be suffering with Post-natal depression (if it’s still called that after the baby is a year old) In... View more

Hi There, I feel like there is something wrong with me, like I might be broken, or missing a part? I had my first child in July 2019 and I think I may be suffering with Post-natal depression (if it’s still called that after the baby is a year old) In the months that followed birth I was crippled with anxiety and bouts of depression, I didn’t seek help (I was too anxious) and eventually things calmed down and I began to settle in to my new life. However, recently things have gotten bad again. I’m so quick to anger, over the smallest of things, I’m irritable, I feel so incredibly low and weighed down? I cry often, and not just a few tears, full breakdowns, I have no motivation, no focus and feel so flat. I’m constantly exhausted and drained. I’m truely starting to hate myself and how I look, I try not to look at myself anymore and I avoid getting any new clothes because I don’t think anything will look nice on me. I feel like a big fat toad. I have thought about ending my life, but I do know that deep down that’s not what I want. I have thought about running away, and often. I don’t feel like I’m a worthy mum. I absolutely love and adore my child, so please know that they are safe. what hurts me the most I think is that no one notices how much I’m struggling. My husband doesn’t see it, my mum doesn’t and my friends don’t either, I feel like I’m in so much pain and no one can tell. I know I need to get help, but I’m so scared. I just want to be the best me, so I can raise my child well, I don’t want my struggles to effect them.

Sarah89 Hating new mum life
  • replies: 9

My baby is 2 weeks old, and while I love her, i hate the new mum life. I was massively under prepared. I feel like I cannot deal with the no sleep, I hate her screaming and and me not knowing what she wants, i hate that i dont have time to do even th... View more

My baby is 2 weeks old, and while I love her, i hate the new mum life. I was massively under prepared. I feel like I cannot deal with the no sleep, I hate her screaming and and me not knowing what she wants, i hate that i dont have time to do even the basics, eg shower, clean house. I feel at my wits ends lots of the time, like I'll go insane. My baby barely ever settles and i feel like all i do is hold her all day. I feel like i cant even fit in time for things like tummy time etc. Everyone tells me this phase will pass. But ive barely made it 2 weeks... i dont know if i can cope much longer. People say sleep when baby sleeps... baby doesn't sleep long enough for me to get to sleep and when she does i feel like i am doing other essential jobs like eating, toilet, cleaning breast pump things etc. People also say get others to help, well there is minimal support from others for me. I dont know how to get more sleep or make it through this newborn stage

rcjy I'm at my wits end - need help with dealing with my husband's anger
  • replies: 11

I've been married for 8 years and have 2 kids. My husband has been going through some issues and recently it has gotten a lot worse. He has a choleric personality in which is ambitious and very goal oriented. He had this plan where he wanted to be su... View more

I've been married for 8 years and have 2 kids. My husband has been going through some issues and recently it has gotten a lot worse. He has a choleric personality in which is ambitious and very goal oriented. He had this plan where he wanted to be successful by 30 and make enough money so that he could quit his job (in which he hates - this job pays him enough to support the family quite comfortably). He has had this goal in mind since he was in university. I, however, am very passive in everything I do so earning lots of money has never been my goal. I take things too easy, I'm laid-back and very indecisive, therefore, when we got married, it was perfect. He makes the decisions, I trust him and follow. But life being that it is, doesn't turn out the way we want it to be. To make enough money, my husband and I invest in many businesses or projects to achieve his goal and not one has been successful. In fact we have lost a lot of money in these investments. They are not scams, they just didn't turn out the way we wanted it to be. With my personality, I say "let it go and move on. Try again". With his personality, he says "I'm a failure, things don't go my way. I'm angry and frustrated that I can't achieve my goal". Now, it has been many years and we are still where we are with 2 kids. It has now come to a point where he can't control his anger. He's shouting at home and he's now angry at my 'don't care' attitude. This 'don't care' attitude is my way of letting things go so I don't need to deal with his anger. I am now at my wits end and I snap back at him more and more now. One time I lost it and starting throwing things in the house. Our kids cried when they saw me. He has seen a counsellor for his issues (this was a few years ago) but after 8 sessions, he says it's not working. He says "this is how it is with life, I am a failure and nothing goes well for me. I don't know why I'm living. You should have never married me, you should have been with someone else. We should not have had the kids" He keeps saying he wants to turn back time. I should add that he plays games to take his mind off things but if he loses in the game, he snaps. I need help on how to deal with the situation as I can't seem to hold back on my own anger now because of his frustration. I snap when he snaps. It is getting out of hand. Should I just leave but that seems like running away from the problem.

Lilaa Am I wrong in my feelings or my decisions?
  • replies: 19

Not sure where to start but to put this simply, I live with a perfect man,husband and father to our daughter and I'm somehow always sad,lonely,rejected,neglected and depressed. There are many times when I convince myself that I just need to change th... View more

Not sure where to start but to put this simply, I live with a perfect man,husband and father to our daughter and I'm somehow always sad,lonely,rejected,neglected and depressed. There are many times when I convince myself that I just need to change the way I look at things and be appreciative but there are even more times when I pay attention and do not see myself being in the picture. Days and weeks passing by and him not engaging in any meaningful conversation with me other than managing our daily affairs. We 've been married for 15 yrs and I clearly remember being extremely happy and satisfied for the first 5 years or so until our daughter turned about 1 year old which also coincided with him starting his own business for a couple of years and gaining extensive recognition. He is otherwise a very successful man but there was something that changed him when he built something from scratch and lived that kind of feeling. He had to close the business due to some issues afterwards but the feeling remained with him I think. I can't really decide what changed him between being focused on our daughter and what happened at the time of his business or that it is just what marriages end up to be after a couple of years. I have been withdrawn and spend my time at full time work, housework and movies etc. he spends all his time at full time work, with our daughter, reading and learning new things. We go out on weekends and stuff but I can’t really say we are together. It is like we are hired to play husband and wife and we are doing a great job, but I never feel he is really there. If I do not plan for a weekend, then we don’t do anything. If we are with friends, he never knows I am there too. He never gets upset or angry and never with me unless I get upset or angry and then he says he has similar problems with me too and then we argue. We resolve the argument after sometime but what I had been upset or angry about remains there which most of the time is about his lack of attention or real care. I am lazy with eating and he is happy to offer me food or cook and we each have our roles in the house work but he never knows how I feel or thinks about asking me about anything beyond managing day to day affairs. I feel like he stopped loving me long ago but is either too kind and polite or cares so much about our daughter that would not do anything about it.

user981 Girl pushed me away and became toxic
  • replies: 2

I used to be very close with a girl. After a few months I noticed things started seeming a little off with her. Things started going downhill and she has mentioned to me that she's got depression and has been hurt so many times in the past. As things... View more

I used to be very close with a girl. After a few months I noticed things started seeming a little off with her. Things started going downhill and she has mentioned to me that she's got depression and has been hurt so many times in the past. As things went downhill she still was close to me in a way but not the way things used to be. There are times where it's like she pulls me closer and then pushes me away because she doesn't want to be attached to me. When I try having conversations with her to talk about issues that are affecting our relationship, she usually gets upset and tells me to leave her alone or tells me to go away. She became really toxic after things started going downhill. Has this got anything to do with mental issues or is this really the person she is? I feel like she tries avoiding conversations with me because maybe she knows she's the one that's made things bad? It feels like I have stuff trapped inside me that I can only get out by talking to her but she doesn't want to talk to me, she got more toxic towards me. I asked her did you ever care and she said no. I can't trust anything that comes out of her since she's lied about so many things and once again I don't know if this has to do with her mental issues? She once used to say she loves me and that she cared. Oh well..