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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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No1nosme I want to take a break from my marriage
  • replies: 5

My husband and I have been married for 6 years, together for 10. These last 5 years, I have struggled with multiple addictions that have placed huge financial and emotional stress on our marriage. My gambling addiction caused my husband to find it ne... View more

My husband and I have been married for 6 years, together for 10. These last 5 years, I have struggled with multiple addictions that have placed huge financial and emotional stress on our marriage. My gambling addiction caused my husband to find it necessary to take control of my finances, with my salary being paid directly to our joint account and my every spend monitored. For a short time, this method helped stop the gambling. However, over time I grew resentful at being surveiled and like a child, I would at times rebel. On top of that, I also use recreational drugs. This is a huge issue because he and I have differing views on the subject, and while I can see and understand his point of view, he never even tries to understand where I am coming from. So again, I get surveiled and monitored and told what to do. Because I am studying at the moment, he is heavily supporting me, and whenever I step out of line I get restricted access to the car or the finances. I even get told who I can and can not have in the house...My house. (E.g certain family members). So a week ago, I asked to take a break from our marriage. I explained how there is a huge power imbalance in our relationship, and I needed to be apart so I could prove to myself, and him, that I am capable of making it on my own. I told him I felt as though he relished in how broken I am because it makes him feel superior by being the one who "fixes" me. I absolutely do not want a divorce, he is actually a wonderful man, and I love him completely. But I can't go another 10 years feeling like a worthless piece of crap who is indebted to her super hero husband. I actually explained it a lot better to him last week. I poured my heart out actually. And all he could say was "You just need to finish uni, then things will be better". Ugh Is it viable to have a trial separation? Is that a thing?

BD93 New Dad - feeling left out amongst other issues
  • replies: 2

Hi there, I'm a new dad at 26 years old. My wife and I have have been together for almost 8 years now, and inside those 8 years we've been through some crap, 2x miscarriages and fertility issues just to name a few. 4 months ago we finally had our son... View more

Hi there, I'm a new dad at 26 years old. My wife and I have have been together for almost 8 years now, and inside those 8 years we've been through some crap, 2x miscarriages and fertility issues just to name a few. 4 months ago we finally had our son who I love more than anything, but I'm struggling on a few fronts; - Firstly. Feeling like the useless and unloved 3rd wheel. I know that our relationship has changed by introducing our son, and it's not like I didn't expect it. But now I feel like maybe I wasn't expecting the more important things. - My wife is doing an amazing job with breastfeeding only. But this means that she has to be awake for every feed, so obviously she's tired and that's fine I get that. But I'm also working 60+ hours a week to keep food on the table and a roof over our heads and I'm just as tired but I don't feel like I can tell her I'm tired because she's got it pretty rough too, so I go to work, then come home and try to be the best dad I can and often feel like I'm falling short, only to wake up the next day, even after a solid 6-7 hours sleep feeling just as drained just to do it all again. - When we are home together I can't help but feel like it's Her and bub then me, I feel very little love, even at bedtime, I know she's tired but I don't even get a kiss goodnight or "I love you" something we've always done and I've continued after birth of bub but it feels like it's all on me to make sure she's feeling loved even though I'm not. And I think this is causing me to want sex just to feel loved which leads to rejection whether it's bubs presence or wife not wanting it and I feel like I'm only going further down the rabbit hole into feelings of being unloved - I've tried to explain to her just how useless I feel when I can't settle him and have to give him back and how I feel guilty that sometimes I feel like she's doing all this on her own to which she generally replies with "I try to let you help out when you're home" or "You're a great dad" but I still feel like I'm letting everyone down. I don't know what I want out of this post, maybe just a vent to get it off my chest but thanks to those who took the time to read. I've always struggled with sharing how I'm feeling or asking for help. I just wonder am I thinking about it to much, is this how most dads feel?

Wonderland I'm unhappy
  • replies: 1

I have been depressed for little over a year. In this time I lost my self care and my will to do, well, anything. I have gone days without showering, weeks without brushing my hair and God knows how long it has been since I actually did all of my lau... View more

I have been depressed for little over a year. In this time I lost my self care and my will to do, well, anything. I have gone days without showering, weeks without brushing my hair and God knows how long it has been since I actually did all of my laundry. I am trying to get better and have seen my GP, started st John's wort, and am waiting to see a psychologist. But during these hard times my SO has been taking care of most housework. We fight about this a lot. I have broken down so many times and apologised and explained how hard I'm trying but he doesn't get it. He doesn't believe me. we have had so many hard times. I am currently crying every night because he quit his job and we can't afford our rent. I work as much as I can bit as I'm a uni student as well, it's not enough to pay all the bills on my own. When I get upset about money or bring up expenses in any way he gets angry with me and tells me to relax and says it's annoying that I'm constantly worrying about it. I feel like I can't stop though because I'm the only one who pays all of our bills and rent. He also bought a new phone on zip pay (after I begged him not to) a few days before he quit his job and I still have to worry about paying it off. I feel like I have never been in the right place through our relationship (I have had anxiety for years and have been realising through therapy that i was abused as a child). But I feel like I'm at an all time low. And I also feel like my SO has lost his patience with me. He is frustrated with me because I don't look after myself. And i am so broken because I feel like the world is crushing me down. I feel like our relationship has to end. I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel here. We have been fighting constantly for a long time now. I don't even know when it started. We have had a lot of deep conversations where I cry a lot and he says he understands, but I don't know how much longer I can do this. He has some anger issues that he admits to, and every time he yells at me I just start repeating in my head "I want to break up, I want to break up" but at the same time, when I really think about it I don't know what I would do without him. I feel so dependent on him for stability and support because we have been together through some of the hardest years of my life as I have struggled to live with depression and anxiety. And I don't know what to do. Has anyone had a similar situation? What did they do in the end?

Speckles Paranoid Sister
  • replies: 2

I have 2 older sisters, they are 31, 29 and I am 26 years old. My eldest sister and I get along great, however our middle sister suffers from paranoia and tends to fight with us a lot. Most interactions with her result in her getting upset and irrati... View more

I have 2 older sisters, they are 31, 29 and I am 26 years old. My eldest sister and I get along great, however our middle sister suffers from paranoia and tends to fight with us a lot. Most interactions with her result in her getting upset and irrational towards us. Although we try to treat her just like anyone else, she still feels like we isolate her. Most recently, a big fight occurred as she never responded to an invitation I sent out 6 months ago to to join us out at a ticketed event. She didn't understand that the tickets had to be purchased ASAP as they would sell out, and then on the night of the event, she became irrational and accused us of bullying her and excluding her. I tried to explain that I had to buy the tickets at release as they would sell out, and that she had a chance to confirm but never did. I even showed her proof of the message I had sent her which she had acknowledged 6 months ago. I can admit that our relationship is worn thin. When she used to live back at home with me, I constantly was made to feel guilt about her life and lack of friends. She was always at home and it did make me feel uncomfortable as she used to be violent towards me. Fortunately she isn't a violent person anymore, however on countless occasions when we are out as a family at functions, she tends to always get upset and make a scene. She does drink alcohol and there was an incident where she tried to run in front of cars driving on our street, and I had to intervene. After that incident, I have put it in the past and have tried to move on with my own life. She apologised for that and I forgave her, but I asked her to promise not to act like that again. In our most recent fight (about the tickets above), she kept saying that we "bullied" her (I have never said anything ill about her- to her or behind her back) - she labelled me a bully because I didn't follow up if she is coming to an event, even though she is invited everywhere. She has lied about horrible things (her lies lost credibility when her story kept changing) to make us feel bad and try to make us feel sorry for her. I don't want to label her as selfish, but in these situations and arguments, it always revolves around what the world can do for her. I'm here today writing this because I am over being made to feel bad for her. She always gets upset at me for living my life without her. I know she is family but her behaviour is overwhelming and takes its toll on the rest of us.

Lost_2018 Will she be back?
  • replies: 1

My same sex partner & I got together 18mths ago. We were best friends in high school & have known each other 30yrs. We fell back in touch about 5yrs ago & remained distant friends. When we got together, I had been single 2yrs & she was separated from... View more

My same sex partner & I got together 18mths ago. We were best friends in high school & have known each other 30yrs. We fell back in touch about 5yrs ago & remained distant friends. When we got together, I had been single 2yrs & she was separated from her husband for 6mths. Everything was perfect. I helped her through a lot & although it wasn’t easy at times, we always got through it & it brought us closer. 3mths ago, she started distancing herself. Telling me she needed a break. Then a month ago, she breaks up with me via email, telling me she can’t do a relationship with everything she is going through with the divorce. I completely understood, even though it hurt. She has asked to have no contact till next year as she still wants me in her life forever, but not as her partner. I am lost, as I just don’t understand how she can suddenly go from me being the love of her life and talking about a future together, to not wanting to be with me at all. I can’t turn my feelings off like that. I know what we had as she made me believe it and she made me feel it. But now it’s just gone. We had a break earlier this year and she begged me to come back after 2wks. I didn’t feel like it was over then either, turns out it wasn’t. I feel the same again. I just don’t feel like it’s over. I feel it in my heart. I know we shared & although I respect her wishes, I can’t let go of the hope. Can I just maybe have some thoughts?

Ttocs Unfair
  • replies: 1

I am a grandmother to 2 girls, my DIL and I use to get on great, my ex sis in law we were still in touch she has never had children and she gets to act like the MIl and grandmother, recently she repeated something to my DIL which was incorrect and my... View more

I am a grandmother to 2 girls, my DIL and I use to get on great, my ex sis in law we were still in touch she has never had children and she gets to act like the MIl and grandmother, recently she repeated something to my DIL which was incorrect and my DIL has cut me off, but my sis in law is the one who has been saying things to me which is none of my business about my son and til regarding there finances and also lots of other things, she is trying to replaced me as my son's mum til and grabdmother which actually she is the gossiper I've never repeated the things she said but now I feel as if my DIL should know the things she has told me I am gutted that she is being treated like that and I've been cut off. Tiny ex family have nothing to do with my ex sister in law but my son and daughter in law have her look after my granddaughter once a week so they need her as I work full time. Please help any advice appreciated

Chickem100 Crossing the line
  • replies: 6

Morning all, I need some advice. I'm happily married with a young daughter and my family life is fine and I'm very happy. I have a very close female friend of mine who I went out with her and few other friends over the weekend and we all had a good t... View more

Morning all, I need some advice. I'm happily married with a young daughter and my family life is fine and I'm very happy. I have a very close female friend of mine who I went out with her and few other friends over the weekend and we all had a good time. Now my wife didn't come and I didn't think this was an issue. Now I thought she knew my female friend was coming out to this function but turns out I was wrong.....the following day I heard about why I'd go with her and not invite my wife, how she needs to back off a little bit as we do chat everyday and she should know better to not contact a married man a regularly as she does and she clearly has feelings for me and how would I feel if the shoe was on the other foot? Now I'm probably being a bit naive here by thinking I've done nothing wrong and I don't see the issues as I was just hanging out with mates but if my wife is upset then this is something I don't want to happen again. She obviously sees something in my friendship that has her thinking this way. For context my friend is 10 years younger than me and single which I believe could have something to do with it. Cheers.

Lotus1 Partner Shutting Down - At My Wits End
  • replies: 2

My partner suffers from depression. And I am at my wits end, I don’t know how to keep caring when his depression is also hurting me. I know it sounds incredibly selfish but I don’t know what else I can do for this man. I cook, clean, go out of my way... View more

My partner suffers from depression. And I am at my wits end, I don’t know how to keep caring when his depression is also hurting me. I know it sounds incredibly selfish but I don’t know what else I can do for this man. I cook, clean, go out of my way to make his life easier and I get a deafening silence in return. Rather than seek help he self medicates with binge drinking and other things. If his friends have a few beers at home he must turn it into a bender and doesn’t get home until 5am at the earliest - and then I can not bother him while he recovers or I get told how irritating I am. I try not to push him because I hate to se him suffer but when I ask to talk he shuts me out even further, saying that if I ask him to talk it makes him do the opposite. HOW do you help someone who seems to refuse to help themselves? He is not the man I fell in love with, he has no energy for life. I have asked what it is I can do to help and he says space- so I give it and nothing changes. I feel like I am only making things worse for him. But I also feel desperately alone in this relationship, it’s so one sided. It is literally like loving a brick wall and always hoping one day it will speak. I try to very softly suggest other weekend activities rather than alcohol which always makes him worse but he shuts me down. I try to eliminate all house work and chores but he still says I nag him for help. I don’t know what else to do. I walk on egg shells because I know this isn’t him but it’s been over a year of misery and he has NO emotion about anything. The light in his eyes is off and he stares right through you. What can I do for him? How do I help him? I am so worried that something bad will happen, I am so scared that I am ruining him. I don’t know how I can continue without snapping and screaming for something - anything - any emotion at all. I try not to push him further away and every time he shuts down even more. I don’t know what to do anymore.

Dtmah Seeking tips on learning to be less apologetic
  • replies: 3

Often when my partner gets irritated or angry with me, I tend to apologise immediately and then I would hate myself for being so apologetic because in hindsight I don't think I am either the sole person at fault or have actually done anything wrong. ... View more

Often when my partner gets irritated or angry with me, I tend to apologise immediately and then I would hate myself for being so apologetic because in hindsight I don't think I am either the sole person at fault or have actually done anything wrong. What can I do to be more respectful to myself? Sample scenario: I find it hard to show appreciation for my partner in a way that they could understand. I have been feeling quite down about this problem in our relationship, but still committed to try to change and improve my communication with them. So I decided to write it down as a thank you note so they could read it when they are ready. (Because at the time they are really busy with work). My partner saw me passing them the note and without reading it, reacted really strongly and negatively, assuming it was a negative note. I mumbled that it was a thank you note. But they continued to react in an irritated way, telling me they have this work that they are doing and now they have to deal with this note. I was feeling quite hurt and rejected by then. But my immediate response was to apologise for disturbing their work and having poor communication skills. I hate myself for saying that because I feel like they should also take responsibility for overreacting despite feeling stress about work at the time. Any thoughts/ suggestions on what I should have done/could do better for next time? Thanks.

Mira61 Estranged children by a Covert Narcissist
  • replies: 5

I have finally decided to tell my unbelievable story. It's unbelievable because of the invisible damage my ex-husband of 24 years has caused me, my children and my family. We have been separated now for 6 years and last month I suffered another PTSD ... View more

I have finally decided to tell my unbelievable story. It's unbelievable because of the invisible damage my ex-husband of 24 years has caused me, my children and my family. We have been separated now for 6 years and last month I suffered another PTSD flare-up due to a new evolution of his abuse. F (my ex-husband) is a depressed covert narcissist. His demonstrated fake "love" for me and my children (one 23 yo boy and one 19 yo girl) was unparalleled. My own family thought that he was an angel. When we visited them interstate, he would sleep on the floor. I did not feel the need to point out that he sometimes slept on the floor at home. I tried to support him in his depression but he refused my help because "it's none of my business". So I put up with his lethargy, apathy, putting me down, gaslighting me, picking on what I say and do with my beloved children, mocking my ethnic background for 15 years. Then he started cheating on me at the same time I was getting international recognition for my work and he became more abusive in private. I pulled back from work and tried to "save my marriage" but he became abusive in front of my children. I asked my brother to talk to him, but F told him how I am impossible to live with (sleeping on the floor was evidence of his martyrdom). My brother was also convincing me at the time to try harder to please my ex-husband to spare the children from a broken home. My brother now also believe that it was all my fault. One year after the break-up my daughter was admitted to hospital suffering from PTSD. Living mostly with him (the children were with him during the week with weekend-stays with me then) he took over her treatments with the help of a psychiatrist that he briefed who subsequently banned me from seeing my daughter. I was so distressed firstly for my concern for my daughter in the hands of a depressed narcissist and second for not being able to see my daughter. I suffered severe trauma as a result of the separation. My relationship with my daughter, my son, my brother and mother (who lives with my brother) is now estranged. I tried so hard to support my children even when they were nasty to me but they continue to treat me with contempt. I feel alone and I have lost hope of ever repairing the love my children and I had for one another. Thankfully, 2 friends who have known us for decades and my counsellor validate the abuse I suffered. I don't know what the next step is in my recovery but I'm trying it here as well.