Feeling unsupported by my husband after the birth of our first child

TLL8090

I've been with my husband for 11 years and had our first child three months ago. He has been very unsupportive since the start of my pregnancy, despite saying how thrilled he is and how much he loves me. He didn't not take up any additional responsibilities, such as buying baby products, saving up money or attentive to my needs. He also missed multiple Ultrasound appointments and picked fights with me throughout my pregnancy even when I'm 37 weeks pregnant.

After our son was born, both my parents and his mother were in our house for a while (my mother is still here to help me with caring for our baby). While my mother does all the cooking, clean, and supporting me with the baby when asked, his mother kept on dragging him away to have random conversations. My husband practically spent 80% of his paternity leave on keeping his mother company.

After his mother finally left, he keeps on bringing up wanting to ask her back to help with our son. But I told him, she practically helps with nothing, while distracting him from his responsibility of being a father, that's why I prefer my mother's help. He keeps on picking fights with me about this, and what's fair. I tried to explain to him, in this situation the new mother is the vulnerable person who needs the support.

I'm not normally a needy or clingy person, but not having his support in the most vulnerable time of my life hurts and I don't believe he loves me or our son. So we're heading to divorce.

I wonder if anyone else has experienced the same situation or if you're a man, what is your perspective?

white knight

Hi, welcome

Our daughter has just had a baby 13 weeks old. The father is hands on and wonderful. I do believe that new parents should have limited time when family members are present, as a family you need to establish a routine with both of you. That means both sets of parents should ring and ask if its ok to visit. These boundaries are yours and your husband should comply perhaps with some flexibility so it seems both of you are making these decisions. After all he is the father and that is a new change for him as well.

You havent mentioned there is anything wrong with you or your baby health wise so I assume the birth went ok. Therefore I also dont see why your mother is present in your house so much. With both mothers out of the house you can both work together with the operation of the duties and I do agree that he should ramp up his responsibilities. Yes he should have attended the ultrasound as that is an important step but not so much buying baby products, most guys arent wired that way. Online purchases would fix that.

Two adults and a baby, both of you dont need that much physical presence. There are amny easy to prepare meals at the supermarket now and you might benefit if you ask him to do one extra task a day- clean floors, cook a meal and so on.

A sit down discussion even in a cafe with bubs in a pram might be needed, but talk calmly and tell him that parents visits need to be limited and they should ring first. Put in place the boundaries and expect him to limit his mum from coming. Save your marriage, introduce regular communication and praise him when he responds..

Reply anytime

TonyWK