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Feeling so very sad

Sallyanne2
Community Member

My situation right now is not my usual life I have. My mum dislocated her prosthetic hip 4 weeks ago and 2 days after that she had a fall and broke her elbow and dislocated it as well on the opposite side to the hip injury. She was in hospital for 10days and has been home for 2 weeks. My dad has enphasema and heart problems so my brother and I took turns to look after him while mum was in hospital. The first night she was in hospital dad had a go at me about not being able to drive (as I don't have a license) and that I'm not much help to my parents because of that. Even though I have done so much for them so that dad didn't have to go into care and he could stay at home as he is on oxygen 24/7 and finds it hard to get around and do things as he is always out of breath.

That upset me greatly as I didn't feel that what I was doing was good enough. It took me quite awhile to get over that and I have spoken to my psychologist to help me through it as I was diagnosed with depression 9years ago and still have trouble with feeling loved and accepted. Dad knows what struggle I went through with the depression but he just has no idea how his words make me feel. I love my dad very much and I'm already finding things difficult to deal with as he was only given 12 months to live last year in May. So I'm afraid to loose him but I can't deal with the hurt he aims at me either. Today he told me that I'm not being helpful, that I'm being bossy and telling him to sit back in his chair because he nods off to sleep and has fallen onto the ground many times. We don't need him to break any bones as mum can't look after him as she is his main carer and I'm looking after both of them. I care about him and want what's best for him but he sees it as being bossy. I prepare meals for them atm and he said he wants to be able to cook if he likes, but I feel he has enough to do with cooking it and doing the dishes. That in itself takes him along time to do. So I'm just trying to ease things for him and help where I can. He is not happy that I told him not to drive 2 years ago because I was afraid he would have an accident as he was all over the road and had reversed into a car as well. He just seems to have it in for me and I can't work out why. I have never been disrespectful to him and I'm only trying to make things easier for him and mum. The more I'm doing the less he appreciates it. I just don't know what I should do because if I didn't help he and mum couldn't stay at home.

5 Replies 5

Panda70
Community Member

Hi Sallyanne2

I was in a similar situation with my in-laws. Father on oxygen, elderly, in hospital half of the year, given a limited life expectancy. He never was abusive to anyone but would insist on doing not so bright stuff like insisting he could walk from the bottom of the car park at church rather than being dropped off at the door. End result - ambulance. Although he may be having a go at you it may be more about his loss of independence. Us men and our egos don't like being told what to do! It is difficult dealing with the life expectancy diagnosis of a loved one but then again it would be even worse for him adding to the woes he can't do stuff. The less he can do the closer he is to his final outcome perhaps and that would be confronting for him.

We never had the cooking problem with my father in law. He is always quite happy for someone else to do that for him! Apart from the licensed thing does your brother cop flack as well?

Hi Panda 70

Thank you for your feedback. I can see you are very understanding of my situation. I'm sure it must be devastating for dad to loose some of his independence and I have told him this and told him I fully understand. But I still can't sit back and not try to care for him and show him I love him and want him to be here as long as possible, in the best health he can have in the situation he is in.

i would hate to loose my independence too but you have to give in sometimes to look after yourself.

My mum had a talk to him last night about his ways of communicating with me and told him I was very upset and that he should be appreciative of the help I'm offering. After some time she got him to call me and apologise and he was crying and very upset that he had caused me such distress over his comments. ( I'm still quite fragile with depression) . I have accepted his apology but also told him that I can't keep taking his rudeness towards me.

I had today off from looking after my parents but I'm back there tomorrow. Fingers crossed it will be ok. I stress and worry about going there again but I can't leave them to look after themselves. I love them too much.

thank you again for your response, it means the world to me to know I'm not alone.

Sallyanne 2

Yes I know the feeling of being alone. It is horrendous. Can I ask if your parents qualify for any aged care assistance from the government or if they have checked. I don't mean financial but as in services such as a cleaner etc. Might take a bit of the pressure off you. I'm not sure how it works but the in-laws had it done and although he has a vets affairs gold card they were still comparing stuff he could get with or without the card.

And what about yourself. As I said I fully understand the loneliness and the not so great way people understand depression and anxiety. Do you have someone to turn to?

Yes my parents do get some help. Dad has showers 3 days a week and mum was getting 1 hr of housework a week but because she is only entitled to 1 hr a week she needs help with showering so the housework had to go. They are waiting on packages to come through which could be up to 3 mths away. So I'm doing the housework and everything else.

Im not that worried about doing stuff for them, as they say, it's an honour to help those who helped you, but it's just the way dad responds to the help that I find so difficult. Mum is great and just appreciates the help and always thanks me but dad finds it difficult. I understand his frustration but it still hurts when he is rude and nasty.

I am in contact with my psychologist and she has said that I can bitch to her when ever I like. 😂

I have two brothers, 1 in Queensland and the one that lives here just retired and has gone away for3 mths, so it's just me. The 1 in Queensland has offered to come down but I'm handling things ok (expect dad) and I never know when I might need him to come down if things got worse. Dad doesn't seem to be able to handle that brother either, he rubs dad up the wrong way. And the other brother who is away dad doesn't seem to say too much to him although dad has been known to say stuff to him in the past.

So it's just hard being there all the time, as the longer I'm there the more opportunity there is for dad to be nasty to me.

Anyway fingers crossed for today first time I will have seen him since he had a go at me.

Thanks again, it's nice to be able to talk to someone who understands and cares. Much appreciated

My pleasure. Hope all goes well for the next three months before the extra care kicks in and your brother returns.