Hi Moving forward happy
You sound so exhausted, frustrated and lost. I really feel for you so much, especially given the circumstances.
I think while we can let certain things go, there are definitely occasions that trigger the lion or lioness in us, when it comes to our cub/s. You can just feel it rise up in you at times. Out of all the years my husband and I have been parents to our 21yo daughter and 18yo son, it's rare we've had any fights other than when it comes to our cubs. Being older now, they're more than capable of looking after themselves. They were typically 'No one speaks to my kids like that' kind of arguments from me. I explained to him many times 'You know, they do respond really well to reason and negotiation. I've found them to be incredibly reasonable people, able to give and accept good reason. This is how I've managed to develop a mutually respectful relationship with them. Be reasonable with them and you'll get along well with them. You won't need to yell'. This was typically met with 'They should simply do what they're told! I shouldn't have to reason with them'. What the?! Hmm, what can I say other than he refused to listen to reason (the reason for not having to yell). Reasoning is a skill which tends to generate respect.
Not sure if the following's relatable but I'll put it out there anyway, just in case it offers something. I got to the point a few years ago where I thought 'I don't care what the place looks like anymore. I don't care whether it pleases him for the house to be clean. I don't care about whether he likes this or that. I don't care about much at all, apart from the kids'. Then suddenly something said to me (perhaps it was my inner sage) 'Unless everyone in the house is pleasing him, he will find ways to express his discontent (quietly or loudly). It doesn't matter what you do, there will always be something that's not perfect'. Don't get me wrong, he's not a bad guy just one who doesn't like the feeling of discontent. He likes what's peaceful, easy and pleasing. Fair enough, we all like that kind of stuff. Sometimes the problem with often pleasing another over pleasing our self is it can start to mess with us in its extreme. We can become a people pleaser, providing peace, ease and pleasure to everyone but our self. We can lose our self in that kind of stuff. It can become depressing. Sometimes the only bit of fire you've got left in you comes in the form of 'the lioness', until you start to fight or fire up for yourself. This does not win you any popularity contests of course.
Something else to consider could involve blood tests. Can't hurt to find out whether there might be something else a little depressing and energy zapping at play on top of things, such as a B12, iron or thyroid deficiency etc. Look after yourself. Btw, cubs can be a little wild at times and a little triggering too but they can be tamed a little, without the yelling. Of course, you already know this yourself. 🙂
