Hi Matt
I feel for you so much, given such challenging and upsetting circumstances with so many mixed emotions involved.
As a married gal (for 22 years), what I've found over the years is that love changes form at different times and in different ways, based on circumstances. So while we think and feel we're loving another person in all the right ways, we can be surprised by how our partner's definition of love may have changed over time. Based on their newfound definition, they may not be feeling the love they way they used to.
It's only in recent years that I came to wake up to what true love means to me. Personally, I find it in evolution. It's found, expressed and felt in how I bring a person to life in new ways and how they bring me to life. So, when great challenge is in play, I cannot simply say to someone 'I love you' and give them a supportive or consoling hug, I have to follow my heartfelt compulsion which dictates I have to actively help them evolve through and beyond the challenge/s they face. When it comes to the so-called '5 love languages' I'm an 'Acts of service' person. This is how I love. My husband, on the other hand, is a 'Physical touch (huggy kissy)' person and a 'Words of affirmation' person, often expressing 'I love you'. We define and express love very very very differently, which can pose problems at times. It's not that often that I feel in a state of love with my husband (aka 'In love with him'). Occasionally he'll take action in some positively amazing way, in a way that leads me to feel myself in love with him. We're speaking the same language (Acts of service) and I can feel that. For example, if one of our kids is suffering in some way and he serves them in leading them to evolve through and beyond their suffering, I will feel deeply in love and attracted to him. I've found that having kids has changed the way I experience love.
If the 5 love languages can be used as a basic template for how we feel and express love, which language do you sense you and your wife best relate to? Could they be completely different and this may be part of the problem?
