Feeling hurt all over again

[LeeA18]

Hi all

It's been a while since I last posted. I have mentally gotten stronger and in a better place than i was. I worked hard on myself.

I was in a relationship 2 years ago which, i thought at the time, ended when he took a turn for the worse mentally. He'd had mental health problems for years and i knew that. On the day we broke up, I saw some texts on his phone to another woman. I kept that to myself for a while, just so I didn't jump to any conclusions. This was a man that I loved dearly, who I would have done anything for and all I wanted was to understand. I ended up asking him as I was going downhill pretty quickly. He dismissed it. That was when he started to block me everywhere you can think possible. I tried contacting him a couple of times and it just lead to more heartache for me. He just lied or ignored me.

I was moving on. Life has been great. There has just always been this nagging feeling that he cheated on me, or at the least, was emotionally cheating on me. He moved to another city, closer to her. It's now been 2 years and, yes, he can date whoever he wants but word has gotten to me that they are dating. If it was anybody else, I don't think I would have felt hurt, but because it was the person who he lied, gaslighted and blocked me about, it just seems to hurt all over again. Is this normal? I went through depression when we broke up because of all of his actions towards me. I also can't believe he used his mental health problems as a way to maybe get out of our relationship. It's been 2 years and I can't believe I am going back to those feelings I had back then.

[Juliet_84]

I completely get where you are coming from. I don’t think you would have cared so much if it had been a stranger, but instead it was her, that person that you had a sneaking suspicion about all along and he denied and lied about. Whenever someone lies to me and cheats and does all these things, I tell myself that she is welcome to them 🙂 all relationships get boring or there’s fighting or bad times, but it’s how you deal with those bad times that defines you. With time, the shine will wear off those two as well, they will fight and argue about bills and boring things. Relationships also have a habit of ending when they aren’t started in the best of circumstances. I think you can hold your head up high for the way that you conducted yourself and move on to better things.

[P0L0]

Hello LeeA18,

I'm glad you are still able to find consolation among the forums and us members here.

It is okay to be feeling those feelings. Feelings, that may at times feel complicated, and we are not entirely sure why we are feeling them. It can sometimes be challenging to understand what causes us to experience these emotions. It be anything from something in your life being unresolved or having a learned behaviour in your life that you cannot get rid of.

It is common to have learned behaviour stick around with you even after the time in which that behaviour is useful, has past. In this case, it could be that your feeling of suspicion of your partner is conditioned into your brain. 2 years later, and that same behaviour is still tucked somewhere in the recesses of your brain. So when you perceive the stimulus (hearing that your ex is dating that same girl you were suspicious of), you react in the same way. It is difficult to extinguish this learned behaviour, but far from impossible. Therefore, what you are feeling is totally normal, and you should not feel anxious over what you are feeling.

You can get through this!

P0L0

[LeeA18]

Thank you to you both. I agree 100% with what you’ve said. It triggered the trauma and did bring up a lot of the memories of what I personally went through at that time. At the time I was so careful not to try and upset him. I was still doing stuff for him too. Unfortunately I developed depression and I lost 10kg (down to 55kilos). I felt like I was going crazy. I knew something wasn’t right and my gut was screaming at me too. I never retaliated towards him. She also blocked me on Instagram, which I found out by stalking (haha).


It took me a long time to build my life up again and realise my worth. I never understood his behaviour towards me but now everything makes sense. I always thought that maybe we could have had a friendship later on when we had both moved on but I don’t think that’s something I want now. I don’t think I want someone in my life that treated with so much disrespect and lied and gastlit me.