Feeling frustrated

[Quiettall]

We have recently moved into our home after retiring from interstate. After working in  a relatively high pressure job, I have developed a real interest in gardening and landscaping as well as world travel. My wife is becoming increasingly house and home centred. She is wanting to do some home decorating which I am happy to support and assist with where possible.

I'm feeling a tad frustrated because we used to work well together for example in the kitchen cooking. Now this is "her domain" and any time I am in the kitchen doing cooking or other things, she always appears and instructs me on how I should do this, dont put things there etc etc. Yet she often comments about how I "never cook" or "have lost interest in working together".

In the home decorating, she wanted to do a feature wall of pictures of our recent travels. So I went out and chased down a large number of different picture frames, sorted through hundreds of pictures of our trips to choose the best to suit each of the frames.  We agreed on the wall, the layout etc and as I start to stick the picutres on the wall, each picture that is put up is criticised by her as being crooked, or not right etc etc, although I use all the right tools such as spirit level, tape measure etc. So I am feeling very frustrated and think maybe I retreat from the feature wall and kitchen and leave it to her, and focus my efforts on the garden.

I thought retirement was a time where we enjoy doing things together, but I am now finding myself looking for more opportunities to do things outside the home or wherever or with others where I am not constantly under her scrutiny. I have started work with a number of voluntary agencies but she has insisted that I keep account of every cent I spend and make sure I get it back from the agency, and limit my hours of work  there.

I know I am not perfect in my handywork or cooking or housework, but I do want to do my part. However, when I do, I end up copping criticism. I have tried to broach the subject with her, only for her to say it is all my problem and issue and she doesnt see what the issue is. In her words, "all you need to do is listen and do what I ask". I would love some objective guidance here as it gets me to the point of screaming some days from frustration.

[Currer]

Retirement sucks.   I have worked all my life and I have no idea how to fill the void.  The loss of routine and control over a major aspect like having a regular income is enough to make temperamentally vulnerable people do strange things to  achieve control over something. Criticising someone else (you) isn't nice and isn't a good long term strategy, but I imagine it would provide a proxy sense of control.  I  avoid irritable, controlling people, even though I understand of what  they are going through. I know attempts to communicate always end badly, so I just give them space. I am  not in a good enough place myself to subject myself to any crap.

I react to anxiety by being extremely irritable.  For me, the physical feelings of anxiety are like having itching powder poured all over my skin. My socks irritate me when the heel doesn't fit properly, my hair irritates me when a bit falls on my face, my glasses irritate me. Not wearing my glasses irritates me.  I could go on forever.

It sounds like you are in the firing line of someone who is finding it difficult to cope with the stress of not knowing what will happen next and is irritable with everyone and everything.   This does not mean that it is OK to make you feel bad. Nevertheless, your wife is irritable and  you are there to cop it.  I am irritable with my cat, and she has done nothing wrong at all.  I absolutely hate my socks because they refuse to fit properly. I blame them. 

Like you, I am trying to fill the void with volunteer work, but this takes a huge effort because I am very irritable and this alienates people.  I've never had a hobby so now I am trying to find one. My new "job" is to get out of the house every day and do something. 

I'm assuming that the  difficult readjustment phase will pass for me, and you and your wife and we will all achieve a new "normal" eventually.  I was talking to one of the people at University of the 3rd age (where I took up teaching a class) and he said it took him 5 years to get used to his new "retired" life.  He likes his life now.  So I have accepted this timeline as a guide for me.  U3a has been the best option for me so far.  The people are engaged and supportive.  They all joined U3a for similar reasons as I did, so they understand my situation. There is a huge range of activities and it  only cost $30 for a year for unlimited classes. 

I guess the plan is to maintain a holding pattern until the new normal slowly falls into place.

[monsimba]

My heart goes out to you, after reading your post I felt very sad for you. Your bearing the brunt of your wives bad behaviour. The transition from work life to retirement can be a struggle for some, she seems to be not coping with it well and it seems to be a a bullying situation. Have you shown her the post you wrote? She needs to know the way she is treating you is having an ill affect. As you said, you want to be enjoying yourself at this stage of your life, I really hope things will get better for you

[geoff]

dear Quietttall, hi and welcome to the site, and may I say that retirement is often not what you had expected it to be like.

Ideas of doing this and that, travelling overseas or perhaps starting up a small little business doing what we had always wanted, drinking a glass of champagne on a cruise or deep sea fishing doesn't always happen, as these were great ideas of what we had always planned for, but when it comes to reality none of this occurs.

This change is enormous as now you have the time to be with your wife 24/7 and this hasn't happened for so long it now becomes very difficult to associate with, because you can't forget that through all of these years our personalities do change, change to how we have now grown up to be how we want them to be, totally different to when you first meet your wife.

She has claimed dominance in how she wants to do things which may not agree with you, so friction will happen as it's been her kitchen and really her house in how she wants to decorate it for a long time, as I presume that you would have worked long hours and worked late and when you get home you're too tired to even concentrate on what she has done to the house, and that's understandable.

But now you are encroaching on her turf and she doesn't like this, so in some ways she has really severed a link between the both of you, but would be OK if you keep out of her way and do what you want to do, as long as it's accountable for.

Well it is not easy to retire and then try and re-live what you both had a long time ago, because times change, people change and what once interested you may not be so now. Geoff.

[Quiettall]

Geoff

It is interesting you say this. I have recognised this and spoken with her. I have got involved in a range of charitable works which give me real purpose to see others beiung helped. Recently I undertook training in overseas aid and have been appointed to do a 3 month assignment in South East Asia alleviating poverty through local tourism initiatives. The costs will all be covered, so it is not going to hurt our finances. Suddenly afte rknowing about this for some time, she has become really closed off, angry, resentful and even suspicious of me....continaully checking what I'm doing and telling me I am mad and dont know what I'm doing. Deep down, I feel very much at peace doing this work but am very sad that she is so self-centred/focussed, she cant see that I need also to fulfill within my own life and by doing this, not only am I helping others, I am learning and growing, and allowing her space to build relationships and interests outside our partnership. I refuse to feel guily or depressed or defeated about this as for the first time in a long time, I feel stronmg about what I am doing, although a little nbervous going into a foreign country to do this on my own.

[pipsy]

Hi there.  My hubby retired earlier this year after 25 years with corrective services.  I thought the transition to retirement would be difficult for us because after 25 years of 'shift work' suddenly he's home every night, during the day when I'm doing my 'thing' be it watching t.v, whatever, I felt I had to entertain him.  He then started volunteering with Man's Shed.  I started volunteer work with a local company who takes the elderly and physically disabled people shopping, whatever.  Has your wife ever thought about volunteer work so that she could fulfil her days away from home?  There must be heaps of things she could do, meals on wheels for instance, in the kitchen, delivering meals etc.  This way, if you're home, she's not, therefore when she does get home, you have something to talk about, getting away from your 'mistakes', her 'bossiness'.  I feel she's feeling lonely, unfulfilled, bored, frustrated.  Maybe she's even a bit jealous that you're able to find things to do where she feels as though her life is over.  I work three days a week, hubby is away up to 4 days a week.  When we are together (not often), we're tired, but happy because we're both busy.  My hubby reckons he's busier now than when he was working.  Perhaps you could suggest gently, that she find some sort of volunteer work a couple of hours a day, a couple of days a week.  We don't 'go out' much, but we're more contented now because I'm busy. 

[Quiettall]

Well it is now late February 2016. I took the three month post to North Vietnam to do overseas aid work. My wife was not happy about it, didnt understand what or why I was doing it but supported me. I've been here 6 weeks and have enjoyed the experience though it is a huge cultural adjustment and personal challenge. I talk to my wife every day by skype. She fluctuates between encouraging em to abandon and come home early, and saying I should hang in there and not take things so seriously. 

I have become very close friends to a few Vietnamese people here, which I have enjoyed immensely. I will miss that contact when I return home, as the people here accept you unconditionally and really want to engage with you positively.

[Quiettall]

I returned home last week from my posting in North Vietnam. I got a cool reception from my wife who hasn't exactly showed too much in the way of excitement at being home. I feel lost right now. I miss the very close and warm connection I had with 2 of my new friends in Vietnam. Nothing much here has changed, as I have been given a clear message that it was my decision to go, so it is up to me to sort myself out and settle in, and dont expect anything much in the way of sympathy or support.

Whilst I would not normally be keen to go back or do another overseas posting just yet, the reception I got from home was less than the encouragement and admiration I got from my family and friends who I thought were more distant and disengaged from me. So I the thought of doing another overseas aid posting has crossed my mind, where at least I will be of some use to someone else.

I fluctuate from feeling really low to feeling grateful that at least I am back in familiar home country and culture. Being on my own over there was something I totally underestimated, in terms of its impact on me and my psyche.