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Lost.

VRCT46
Community Member

I came across this site after I was trying to find some sort of community support for men. After reading some posts, I thought why not. I am lost and don't know what to do....

I don't know if there will be enough space for this - but here goes nothing.

My partner (possibly ex) is wonderful. She is my complete world. The idea of losing her i cannot describe. I, however, am far from perfect. The first 6 months of our relationship, I was travelling a lot. She didn't seem to have an issue with it. However one day while I was at work, she opened my laptop and found an inappropriate conversation I had with someone 3 months earlier. I made the decision to move back home permanently. She ment that much to me.

That was 5 years ago. Since that issue, we have had an insane amount of issues. First she was convinced that I had been sleeping with a female friend whom I was close too. It was certainly not the case. Over time we had our ups and downs. Lots of fights, but also good times. A turning point in our relationship, without getting into details, one night I got extremely angry and proceeded to set fire to her car. That was about 2 years ago. It's something I am not proud of, and something that I am still regretting and disappointed in myself with.

Since then, we have done a little bit of couples councelling, as well as me having 1-1. Unfortunately - due to my casual employment, it's very hard to afford and also maintain appointments.

She suffers from anxiety. I don't make life very easy for her at times. I can get angry or moody very easily. It's fair to say I have taken her for granted throughout much of our relationship.

I don't open up very much (standard male procedure) I keep things bottled up and explode at a later date. The most recent situation was when I got home from work, the house was empty with the car in the driveway. I rang 17 times over 15-20min. I started getting scared and angry. She never has her phone away from reach. When she finally rang back, she informed me that she was having lunch with a male friend. I lost it. She told me to leave the house. I have 2 weeks to have all my stuff out.

The thought and ideas that I may have lost her for good are slowly tearing me up. This was someone who I pictured marrying and getting old together. Im not easy to get along with, I'm short tempered. I don't open up, I don't discuss feelings. I don't know why.

Anyway. Thanks.

7 Replies 7

pipsy
Community Member

Hi VRCT46. You paint a very black picture of you and a rosy one of your partner. I find it hard to believe you're as black as you paint though. You admit you procrastinate (most men do). Women on the other hand become very emotional over issues that most men wouldn't think twice about. Her having lunch with a male friend is almost 'payback' for her jealous assumption of your indiscretion. Perhaps if you wrote to her, explaining that you do love her unconditionally and you weren't unfaithful and to ignore the inappropriate conversation with the friend. It sounds as though (as you said earlier) lack of communication is the key issue here. There's an awful lot of assuming going on, on both sides. I think you both need to sit down and be open and honest about how you feel, what you both want out of this relationship. You say you love her and don't wish to lose her, she probably feels the same, but neither of you are telling the other. I would, at the first instance as I said, write to her (if you ring) she may hang up. Tell her everything you want her to know, you love her, you want to marry her etc. Give her a chance to read the letter. Wait for her to reply. Patience is the name of the game here.

Lynda.

VRCT46
Community Member

I ran out of characters so I had to keep it short. The problem is, it has been 5 years since she had found that convo. The lunch incident was yesterday. The level of trust has never really repaired itself.

i see the black I paint for myself, and yes there are 2 sides to the story. I guess I need to acknowlege openly some of my issues and negative aspects that I bring to the relationship.

We argue a lot, which generally starts off small, (she may ask a simple question) and I might give a snappy response which she doesn't appreciate and it escalates from there. As I have a problem with opening up and I keep things bottled in, it tends to make life a bit worse

Nicoc
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Guess what?? You did just open up and you did just discuss some pretty person and emotional stuff. You were honest and you took responsibility. What an achievement!!

From here it's worth considering focusing on YOU and healing yourself. There's lots of help out there and like with any problem it's not easy....but what you might find (and I'm saying this from a female perspective) that when a woman sees a man being honest and being accountable, it sheds a whole new light on things. It's such a shame that men are brought up to be so stoic and I can't even begin to imagine how vulnerable you must have felt calling out to all of us 'unknowns' on this site, but keep in mind the step you've just taken.

Remember also that everyone has their issues and whilst we can love another with all our heart, we have to love (and forgive) ourselves too.

Hope you find your way VRCT46

Nic

pipsy
Community Member

Hi again. You mentioned your partner asks you a question to which you basically 'bite her head off'. When she asks the question, can I venture to ask if you answer before you stop to think about what she has asked. My ex's favourite response (I got annoyed about this, too), he always has to 'get his head round the question', before he answered . I would like to suggest you try something. Next time she asks you something, ask her if you can have some time to think about what she's asking. She may possibly get a bit impatient when you say that, but then think about what she's said, then ask her if she has said what you heard, or did she mean something else. Quite often when we women ask something, we know what we mean, our men folk because they're not thinking the same at the same time, tend to say the first thing that pops into their head. If a man asks a woman something, a woman usually has the ability to answer what the man is actually asking. For this reason, men often accuse women of thinking they're mind readers. For instance, when a man asks his wife 'where's my socks?' A woman will give two answers, either 'your socks are in your drawers where I put them', or 'they're in the wash, you'll need a fresh pair'. If a woman asks a man, 'where did you put your shirts', man's response, 'on the bed waiting for you to put them away'. In other words, 'didn't know where to put them, didn't know if they've been washed'. To understand each other, takes years. I'm not belittling you or her, just trying to point out that with communication between a man and a woman, you have to listen to what's not being said, rather than the words being spoken. What usually frustrates women, but seldom frustrates men, is women like to hear details about conversations, where men stick to basic facts. With that inappropriate conversation she found, unfortunately, this is another bug between men and women. A woman seldom, if ever forgets, where with a man, you blow your stack, and that's it, on with life. I would, if you haven't already, apologise for the conversation she found, discuss it if she needs to, don't bring the lunch into it, avoid another unnecessary conflict. You said you have trouble talking, have you told her? You need to be honest about your problems talking. I realise the above is confusing, sorry, but that's difference between the sex's.

Lynda.

topsy_
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi,

If you read books, there is a really good book about the different ways men & women communicate. You may have heard of it - "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus". I can't remember who wrote it but it's very good & laugh out loud funny at the same time. It helped me a lot.

Take care, Lyn.

pipsy
Community Member

Hi- again, VRCT46. I 100% agree with Lyn about the book Men are from Mars etc. It is the most insightful, informative book about communication between the sex's there is. It is amusing, but extremely educational and really helpful. I would say most libraries would stock it, or would have some idea where it can be purchased/borrowed.

Lynda.

pipsy
Community Member
further to advise re: the book, Men are from Mars, etc. It was written by John Gray and has sold over 60,000,000 copies.