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Feeling alone in the relationship.
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Hello all, first post, long time lurker. Brief introduction - 8 years ago diagnosed with anxiety (and depression as a symptom of the anxiety). Went through therapy, all good now. Still on mild medication and regular visits with my GP, but for all intents and purposes my life is good - good job, steady income, education coming along. Personally I feel great. Issue I am feeling is with my wife. We have two lovely children, both work etc. However just over 3 years ago I found she was having an emotional affair with an old friend (inter state). Inappropriate pictures/texts being sent back and forth. Long story short I force the couples counselling. So she stopped going about 8 months ago, and went haphazardly prior to then, I was committed to every session and for many many sessions I was going alone to couples counselling (definition of irony).
Now for a bit longer than 3 years we've had little way of interpersonal connection (intimacy, just plain talk, time together etc). It has been a topic of contention that she can spent all evening chatting on facebook, but have no time to converse with me. Success rate for intimacy is about 5% all initiated by me, and having had/have social anxiety the constant knock-back is really starting to feel personal, especially given her emotional affair. Too much work, too tired, can't be bothered are common excuses given for any time together (including family time), but if a friend wants a visit....woooosh off she goes leaving me and the children.
I'm committed in this relationship, but it feels I have a flat mate whom we share custody of the children and the bills. She is a person who I feel doesn't know the value of something until it is gone. Now I'm not looking for answers, I am here seeking comments from people who have experienced similar. How long does one usually work at a relationship problem before deciding enough is enough? If/when it is time to move on, do you really have to think about it, or does one just know when it is the right time and they just make it happen? I know it may seem harsh, but years of oodles of arguments, emails, reading, counselling.......there is only so much I see I can do to try and resolve things. Unfortunately it doesn't just impact me, it will impact the children for the rest of their life what decision I make. Relationships are a two way street requiring two people to commit, unfortunately I feel very alone with this.
Thanks for reading.
CalculatedRisk
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Calculated risk, Know the feeling. My husband has been cheating on me for two and a half years and am unsure it has ended. Keep getting my hopes up.
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Thank you for the response all. During our counselling sessions (with a psychologist btw) one of the tasks I had to do was try and rebuild trust, and the psychologist said that if I keep looking through emails/messages that I will never start to take the steps to trust again. Up until reading this thread I hadn't looked since. I don't use FB but from what I can see on the posts and messages, there is nothing untoward happening. I don't know if any other medium is being used to communicate to other people though.
The types of conversations are mainly about things she feels passionately about, but not passionate enough to do anything but be a keyboard warrior and post on social media - things such as animal cruelty and save the environment kind of material.
In response to when I was diagnosed with anxiety, the formal therapy was a 6 month session from which point I was able to function properly in society. How were things for her? I don't know exactly, I do know unlike her I told her what I was going through and the steps I was taking. If she has a problem she certainly isn't talking to me about it. I understand conversation can suffer in a relationship, but she doesn't have any real communication with me. She used to fight with me because I wouldn't be interested in what people were doing on FB. It may be a good medium for some, but for me FB does not enhance or create meaningful relationships, and I see the potential for increased resentment due to the 'moments of bliss' people post - in my view is not reflective of their life, only reflective of that particular moment, but feel perhaps many people take it as a reflection of their life as a whole.
She does have a preference to spend the evening on FB than interacting. I understand you don't expect people to give you their undivided attention at all times, but the time spent on FB being 'social' far far exceeds the time anyone would be social in a face to face setting had FB not been around.
Relationships take two, but I am struggling to work out the best path to communicate my loneliness. In short say "I'm lonely" and hope it gets listened to? Come out and say "things need to change" but then do things change because they are seen and wanted to or because there may be an ultimatum interpreted in the conversation? Is being inter-connected just as important as respect and honesty? If respect or honesty is missing then it is deemed ok for a relation to end, then perhaps that is too.
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Well sorry for the delay in my response, I have taken some time to filter and comprehend the advice and opinions thus far. Pipsy, in regard to her beliefs, we do share the same/similar beliefs, however I do not share them strongly enough to do something about it ie: I don't agree with whale slaughter, but not strongly enough to be proactive about it. She on the other hand does believe strongly, but her only action is social media about the issue. So she feels passionately enough to post on social media, but not to actually do something. I personally believe you fix your own backyard before looking over the fence and passing judgement. We used to have quite a communicative relationship, we were active together, conversed, very little in the way of issues (disagreements which is to be expected). I must say that with the few posts I have put here, you have certainly been able to have insight into my situation, and I sincerely appreciate your input.
AC, thanks again for the suggestion of the literature. I am presently 1/3 of the way through his 2011 book (revised in 2015). Thus far not starting good for me, the "I love you but not in love with you" is a phrase muttered several times in the past. That said, the book itself is a very easy read, make perfect sense, and it comes across as though a mate is sitting next to me telling me all that information. It isn't informal or dry.
Unfortunately irrespective of causes and faults, the situation is having a negative impact on the children. The psychologist we/I went to for couples counselling said to not worry about the kids too much as kids are resilient and bounce back - but I can't help but wonder how much an innocent child can take before it impacts them.
Anyway I'm going to finish the book from the author AC suggested and do some soul searching for me. Hopefully along the way it will uplift the kids. As much as part of me wants it to work out, there is a deeper part of me that all and any attempts to fix the relationship have not been followed through on her behalf, and the phrase "that ship has sailed" rings in the back of my mind for her to start to come to the party.
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Hi C.R. While I agree you need to keep your own house in order, before worrying about others, it's still healthy to at least discuss pro's and cons about issues you feel strongly for and against. If you find you get too agro, the best idea is simply to agree to disagree. I think, also your psych is pretty much on the ball when he/she mentioned the kids resilience to domestic unrest. It's possible the kids may question certain aspects of what's wrong between you, this is fairly natural and just to explain mum and dad are having problems should ease their minds a bit. Have you tried telling her your feelings about how you see her as not doing her 'bit' to help save the relationship. Unfortunately, with some people clarification is necessary.
I feel so sorry you've almost reached this point.
Lynda.
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Hey C.R.
At least you're doing something about it. Actions speak louder than words sometimes. And at the end of the day if you're done, you're done. Sometimes there is nothing you can do. Athol Kay's next book "The Mindful Atrraction Plan" is a lot more user friendly and less of a hammer to the head. it is a sensible path to resolution, whatever the outcome. I also recommend posting on his forum for guidance, if you're up for it that is and favour his approach.
I did a coaching session with him last week over Skype - but that's another story
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Hi All, been a while and sad to say not much has gone forward in the relationship department. There have been a few blowups, all my fault of course!! I finished reading the book, and after reading it I was left with a strong sense of "gee this is so obvious".
There has been discussion with the wife, and she is very content and happy where she is, however I feel there is an element of taking me for granted. When I express where my needs are not being met, there is huge resistance and "boohoo" sarcastic responses. When the storm clears she communicates via email in a rational way describing what is going on in her mind. If I take out all the noise (my way of saying "the differing excuses") she appears depressed. What irks me is she appears to coherently know what is wrong, but will do nothing about it, rather hide on facebook and say that I need to make a decision if I want to stay (though this last option she knows is hard because we have two kids whom I adore and will forever be in their life).
What I can't get a grip on is why when I talk of my needs (currently lack of intimacy, couples time, talking, outings etc) she combines it all as just sex, and not having any is just fine and she is happy with that. Well if I decide to stop paying the mortgage or cooking tea...is that fine? Whilst the action (or lack of) may be different, the principles are identical - one can't just stop without conversation and a clear path on moving forward.
To answer pipsy, I have expressed my concerns and suggested she try and help save the relationship, however majority of the time it is responded to in anger that everything is fine. Following day usually results in an email with a list of excuses as to her outburst and knowledge that something is wrong but don't know what to do about it.
The bit I am struggling with at the moment is I am a rational person, but when thinking of the kids emotion gets involved. For me right now, I need to find a way to move on, but stand my ground. If when I move on she promises to sort out her issues....well the ship has sailed I think. Hard I know, I love her, but one can only go on for so long in a non-committal relationship.
Anyway, as any new profound events occur, I shall return.
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Hi C.R. From where I'm standing (correct me if I'm wrong), you seem to be talking from two completely different viewpoints on saving the marriage. You've asked for intimacy, talking, time together, she seems to almost accuse you of wanting something you're not actually asking for. She seems to be able to write it down via fb, but has trouble on face to face talking. She's happy, why aren't you, seems to be where the problem is? It almost sounds as though she's deliberately goading you to say something so she can have a major blowout. When you tried asking for communication, she tried goading you with sarcasm. If you were to leave, what would her reaction be regarding the children. Would she be okay about you seeing them whenever or would she put up barriers. If she admits to you being a great father (which I've no doubt you are) the children shouldn't suffer at all. Some kids fair better when there's less tension between their parents. It might be an idea to look at leaving, perhaps temporarily to give you both breathing space. Once apart your wife might become softer and care more. Normally I wouldn't suggest time apart, but nothing else seems to be working and you've tried everything.
Lynda.
P.S. Hope I haven't upset you, that was not my intention.
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Hey CR - things aren't critical - yet.
Don't forget about the "Mindful Attraction Plan". Also consider getting advice on Athol's MMSL forum. You'll need to do quite a lengthy "triage" however it's worth it for the advice you'll receive.
You have every right to want an intimate fulfilling marriage - however you need to stop what you're currently doing because it's not working and you need to find a different solution. If what you read in his first book made some sense - consider joining his forum. The key is to start from the beginning and work your way up the chain (ie: ensure you are physically fit - relationship comfort - etc)... I found the Mindful Attraction Plan more palatable. At least you can work on different areas to improve yourself and take the heat off arguing with your wife about it (for now) - because that clearly isn't working. I see a lot of what your wife is saying in my situation - but at least it sounds like she isn't prepared to go completely psycho because of it... Join the MMSL forum
