Feeling a bit like a failure

[blues23]

I had a party today self hosted ( I’m single mum no family . One of the other parents stayed kinda helped out( I didn’t ask but boy did I feel guilty for it  but I didn’t ask but yeah I kinda felt awkward afterwards and kinda like well maybe he felt he had to rescue me like I was managing 10+ kids by myself plus other stuff of party’s that I was kinda like felt like a failure . My child is also struggling a bit with our family dynamics like I’ve had to cut off 2  family members due to emotional abuse and malipulation and I’m kinda like i understand u miss ur family so do i but can’t go back nothin will ever change or be better because they have demonised me to the point they can’t see their own behaviours and I don’t want to go back because it’s not safe for me or my child we will constantly be used as fixers and putter uppers . I just don’t like that my child is sad missing them I know it’s normal but it’s like this party and various other things like celebrations make my child feel more lonely I get it I do because I do too but I kinda have to live with the pain what’s worse staying in the same situation same or worse behaviour or being alone . I choose being alone my child is much same but is getting the missing of them and they were blatantly mean to my child and using her to solve Their problems with thier own lives and choices . How do I stop feeling like crap and why do events like this hurt ? And do people pity me because I’m alone ? And how do I help my child not let these things wreck her day ? 

[Croix]

Dear Blues23~

It's good to hear from you again, thogh I'm sorry you are having to deal with the same family problems all the time. It's been hurtful and awkward for you and for your daughter too.

The fact someone helped you at the party when you were trying to cope with 10 kids was a very handy thing, and if it was me I'd just take it at face value -they wanted to help. It is no reflection on you, my partner had to look after cubs and they would run riot and need a whole swag of adults to keep them in order, so if you are managing them by yourself you are doing very well.

The situation does not really change with your family, right back to when your mother was constantly abusive and your father cut you off for suggesting he see his GP and refusing ot visit your mother.  They, as you have said, are not trustworthy and simply generate problems for you.

While it is sad your daughter does not have the opportunity to be on freindly terms with them I'd not be sure that would be good for her anyway. Associating with parents that called her a cow is never going to be good., neither is being wiht people htat think they can use money to force a relationship.

You had mentioned your sister in the past, my I ask how she gets on with you? 

I guess the way to stop your daughter (and you) from missing family is maybe to see if you can develop a new social circle, that way at least you can choose who they are, unlike a family.

You coped with a realy horrible long term problem with work and being bullied under an administration that seemd to do nothing about it. If you can deal with that I'm sure you can deal with this.

You know you will always be welcome here, even if only to vent.

Croix

[blues23]

Hi Croix 

thank you for your reply 

I know what you’re saying is right I was thankful one of the dads sticked around but I kinda felt like it wasn’t really what he wanted to do.. because the venue was very disorganised and kinda chaotic not really my fault 

he may have just been expressing his feelings on the venue but it ends landing on me cause I chose the venue anyway and I was like without any family or whoever to help when most people have someone tag along but yeah i didn’t 

in regards to my family I had to cut my father off because he shared my phone number to my mother without even asking me if he could , and he proceeded to get really nasty and abused me for asking him for a simple can i give ur mum ur number when he knows id say no so he went behind my back and did it anyway 

my sister is the one who called my daughter a cow along with blocking my child from seeing her cousins ( which she has done for months now because apparently I was avoiding her after she called my daughter a cow  and she told me she’s been doing this passive aggressive behaviour of hers to get back at me for apparently avoiding her ,she’s made  disparaging comments about my parenting

( i wasn’t avoiding my sister I was staying separate to stop my daughter from being hurt so recently I had to cut my sister off  this was due to more abuse I got off my sister in regards to disparaging remarks about my personality and more about my child I told my sister how her behaviour has been affecting us and she blamed it all on me and my apparently avoiding her and that caused all the problems along with my child’s behaviour who apparently I don’t parent well enough to my sisters standards. 

in regards to finding a chosen family that’s hard  I’m trying but I’m kinda cautious about people and getting too close or trusting anyone but I’m trying to be like more social but my daughter has a lot of friends but occasionally she brings up our family issues and she may be purging to her friends like maybe u know expressing her loneliness or her missing them ( I do too but it’s not a healthy relationship for me or my child to stay in)  my child  says she has a cousin she doesn’t talk to anymore but in reality we have a whole family who doesn’t want us in their lives on our terms and is using us and doesn’t really care about us unless we do and behave how they want and be yes men to them the minute we say no or have a opinion  or want to do something different we are verbally abused and ostracised 

I’m trying but these gatherings like events get kinda depressing and although I put a lot of effort in it still doesn’t end up feeling good afterwards and i blame myself for not being able enough, but it’s still early days and i can only hope in time eventually we can enjoy these types of things again without the pain of remembering or missing what has left us and what other people might think about us being without family lots of people just don’t understand what it’s like to loose your family and have to loose them for your own sake 

[Croix]

Dear Blues23~

Yes I read about your dad giving you phone number to your mum without permission and if I remember you had to change your number as a result 

I'm sorry it was your sister calling your daughter a cow and being awkward and generally blaming you for everything.  I guess you are doing the wisest course in steering clear of family. It does have its downside in missing them, but that does not balance against the unhappiness they cause when in contact.

I don't blame you for being wary of trusting people, after those who are supposed to be closest have let you down so badly it would be difficult to trust others. Still you never know, that help the dad gave at the party may have been quite genuine, reflecting a nice character. It would have been obvious you had your hands very full with the kids and no backup. You may have been overthinking the matter.

As for choosing the venue, OK if not ideal you try somewhere else if you do it again. You are not always going to know what is perfect until you try. That is no reflection on you, it's just life giving you learning experiences.

You are right, it is early days, your girl has other friends and I'm sure you will meet others to have as friends too, perhaps in the parents or relations of the other kids at the party.

I think you will find more people than you expect understand bad relations with families and needing to break away, it is quite a common thing. If pople prejudge they probably aren't going to be suitable as friends anyway.

I hope you feel like keeping on talking, you are always welcome

Croix