Father troubles

[LostPigeon407]

I hate my Baby Boomer father, His vain and sits behind the T.V., He never cared about his kids needs, happiness, success. He never praised or encouraged anyone, He never was affectionate or socially involved in our lives. He would on rarer times use his physique and extroverted social difference to intimidate us into silence to retain authority. He has maybe mild hostile possibilities if we would persist. He used to tell my mother that it was good that we fell over at primary school, He has misogyn & sexism and in ways he views his wife to be a house maid. He is arrogant & ignorant and can't be informed about anything by his immediate family, He has controlling tendencies. He admitted to me in the 1980's he would go looking around to bash homosexuals and he used to claim to be a sharpie. He uses my mental health diagnosis against me, to say that I am disabled or mental and when we argue he tells me to either leave home or that he would ring the police to get me admitted into a hospital, even though he provokes my anger when he sais I'm weak, useless or inept. He has a hegemonic concept to perceive sensitivity and emotional intelligence as being soft. I can't even manage my diabetes because he is in the background looking over me and he tells to not burn the house down when I'm going to cook instant noodles on the stove. His always tried to treat in ways that your a child and never more than 12 or 14 mentally. He makes us to be dumb for not knowing things, He never taught us anything in life, because it's effort, He wouldn't as he just believes were incompetent to learn anything. No one can learn from a crap parent who can't explain more than once and he has a way of speaking that doesn't make sense when explaining things. I can't even talk to my mother if his in the same area, because he doesn't want me talking at all, His definition of a parent is merely a 1940's dysfunctionality to work labor construction, than that the wife does everything else and if you have been kept under his wing until your 18, that his done his part, despite being horrendous with everything else. He even once asked me wither I want to work, making it seem optional that we need money. 

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

I'm a baby boomer at 67yo on the young end.

I am familiar with the type of baby boomer that your father appears to be having worked with many men over my working life mostly older than I. In fact in my very young days men older than baby boomers were in general much worse in terms of domination, harshness, rulers of their homes and "be seen an(or mothers) or introduce personal change for the better.

In fact schools were in some ways the breeding ground for such poor treatment. In the 1960's in Primary school I was given the leather strap on the hands many times. One year though in grade 5 we had a hippy as a teacher that didnt believe in physical punishment by encouragement. Wow, what a relief, what a guy.,

So the only sympathy I have for this old fashioned attitude is that they learned from their peers. 

So what is the remedy?  There is only one avenue I would choose in your situation but it could end in disaster- stand up for what is right on the topics that you both are far removed on. Eg using mental health as a weapon  which is cruel and wrong. But when it comes to "bashing homosexuals in the 1980's" I would treat that as- honesty and the way things were. Yes, totally unacceptable but that was the times sadly, but not now. So if he boasts about it now and still believes they should be bashed or mistreated in any way, allow him to drown in his own misguided glory. There is little point is fighting it.

Finally, you seem likely to be older than say 30yo, but I realised you are still living at home. Do you think its time to make a move away? If this happened you'd see him less and you likely might become closer over time.

I'm estranged from my 92yo mother as I cannot tolerate her narcissism and triangulation. But there are people that can tolerate their parents shortcomings. If you can great, if you cant well, thats a part of life that hurts but isnt so uncommon. Living life to the full might include transitioning towards a more distant relationship.

Some things we can change.... but not our nature...

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/accepting-yourself-the-frog-and-the-scorpion/td-p/1...

TonyWK

[LostPigeon407]

Hey White Knight, Thanks you for your response, I'm actually turning 29 in March. I'm also fully aware of how dysfunctional the lost generation, greatest generation and silent generations were. Most of these Boomers were raised underneath their wrongs. Men can't cry and women must cook and do house maintenance, it was even beyond the war and racist aspects of those times, Women had less freedoms and it was just saddening times. I'd rather just have a relationship with my twin brother and mother, Ideally being distant and financially independent from my father is the dream. It's also the troubling feeling that I never had that male parent figure to teach anything, Only to give advice to bash my bullies and that I was being soft. His always the first person to blame someone else, but he can't take responsibility with his family and he can lecture others but he wants to move on quickly from his own mistakes. As far as the LGBTQ or the homosexuals I don't support my fathers violence and hostility but at the same time I don't actively encourage LGBTQ as it's against my religion and my own liking, I just keep quiet mostly on their community. 

[white knight]

Hi,

That's all ok, freedom of choices.

I can't say I blame you for your views and as you can see my views at 67yo are far removed from your father's.

TonyWK 

[therising]

Hi LostPigeon

Your Dad definitely sounds challenging and rather triggering. I think it's tough when a parent won't let their kids question them. Kind of like when a parent is questioned by their child 'Why do I have to clean up my brother/sister's stuff, when they should be doing it?' and what they're met with is 'Don't question me, just do as your told' or if they're regularly degraded by a parent and they ask that parent 'Why are you so mean to me all the time?'. 'I'm not being mean to you. You're too sensitive, you need to toughen up' may be the response. So, what you've got is injustice in the first case and denial and insensitivity in the second. Parents can be highly questionable people, who seriously don't like to give reasonable answers in some cases.

Some parents refuse to open their mind, question themself more often or see reason in a lot of cases yet they still have the ability to teach. They can teach us what injustice feels like, what dealing with someone with a closed mind feels like and what a lack of reasoning feels like. They can teach what dismissiveness feels like and what self righteousness feels like. When a child grows up and moves out into the world, they will be able to sense all these triggering natures and emotions because they have learned from that parent. They will also feel the kind of nature they wish to evolve beyond. That child will grow to learn who they naturally are, themself, in the process. For example, 'I am triggered by closed minded people because I am open minded. I'm triggered by unreasonable people because I am reasonable' and so on.

While there is definitely a down side to living with a highly triggering person, the benefits that come with living with them full time can include learning to manage that kind of nature before going out into the world. A chance for skill development you could say. The chance to develop a bit of sass and a chance to develop the ability to make light in darkness could sound a little like 'Why do you think it is 'soft' or 'sensitive' people who can sense a closed mind when they feel one? Funny about that. You know I can do that don't you, sense or feel a closed mind'. Throw in a slight smile. Could become a 'go to' approach in life when dealing with most insulting and closed minded people.

[LostPigeon407]

Growing up I always resented my father, because his vain, occasionally socially ruthless, and dysfunctional from a emotional and psychological perspective. He never praised, He was only interested in his own problems and interests, weekends were his own activities with his mates and he wasn't family orientated because we are too boring for him. He has jealousy and tells me I have dyslexia because he only finished year 10 during the 1970's and can't understand my vocabulary. His devious and has misogyn and sexist concepts. He thinks he doesn't have to tell his wife where he goes, but hypocritically asks where she went or questions why she goes anywhere that isn't local and within close proximity. He has told me I'm retarded or disabled and when I cook two minute instant noodles on the stove his said things like to not burn the house down. When I was going through my driving lessons because I wanted my independence he was telling my mum that I shouldn't be driving. He tells the family at Xmas that I'm socially inept and anxious for the reason I don't go, when I didn't go actually because my parents wanted me to stay home after he confronted me and got me in a rage when he stood me down and was virtually telling me that I'm mental and that he was going to get me locked in a hospital and call the cops. He tells my mother too that I don't want to work. 

Beyond that from 2008 to 2013 & also 2013 to 2018 I was bullied all during high school and had negative friends that were giving me un wanted labels and nick names and opinions. I was treated so badly during high school wither I had a kid spit soft drink on me or ruin my hair on photo day, dig his nails in my skin so many times till it bleeds. Scream in my ear or lick his finger and put it in my ear. Jab or slap and once he kicked my shoe over a muddy wet football oval after 3 of them surrounded me and took my shoe off, So I was on one foot trying to get back to my shoe, while being late for class. He later hated the fact that I get Centrelink and said he would pay them back in full and that I didn't deserve my pension and that I was faking my situation for getting it. His mother said if I wasn't cutting I shouldn't have it too.

The other bad friend tries to tell me what my beliefs are, or wither I'm insecure about something because he is. He was Googling the price of my parents house, asking how much pension I get, He was telling me at 22 I was going to be homeless.

They effect my memories and self confidence.

[smallwolf]

hello and welcome.

from reading your story, It sounds like this has been an incredibly difficult experience for you. No one deserves to be treated in such a dismissive, demeaning way by those who are meant to support and nurture them.

And perhaps while not helpful, I could also say that your father struggled with his own issues that prevented him from being the parent you deserved. His cruel words say far more about his own shortcomings than they do about you. You are not "retarded" or "disabled" - you are a human being with unique talents and perspectives.

Your resilience in the face of such hostility is remarkable. The fact that you've survived and thrived despite this toxicity is a testament to your strength. And while these experiences have no doubt shaped you, I hope you can challenge any negative core beliefs they created. You are worthy of love, acceptance and belonging - never let anyone convince you otherwise.

Fwiw, I did not have much of a relationship with my Dad, but for different reasons. It is in his (recent) death that I am trying to make sense of this. The relationship we might have had.

What sort of relationship do you want with your Dad moving forward?

Perhaps you might also tell me a little about how you spend your time? What do you want to do in life?

Listening...

[LostPigeon407]

I have never liked my father, I don't talk to him, He only talks with my Mother and Brother and keeps behind the T.V. He was always vain and had Boomer dysfunctional differences. Wither I was 8 or 14 or 29 now. He always has been psychologically, emotionally and socially dominating and laughing at us in ways for three decades, since were not advancing and because were dependent on him. He always treated us like little kids that we aren't more than 16 mentally. He sais I will burn down the house for cooking and I can't actively cook when he questions things or when his always over looking in some manner. I can't even talk around him, because he wants to watch T.V. or sais I talk bullshit. His mostly just behind the T.V. and tells himself that I don't want to work. When he goes to family Xmas I'm not apparently there because I am apparently socially inept or anxious, they just can't simply tell the family at age 30 it's their choice and that were not little kids to be told anymore to go.

I live life behind my desktop computer in my bed room, I like playing guitar, reading books, video games, watching sports and I really love being in touch with Christianity content Online. Though I have a sadder life, Since I've never wanted to go to University or been eligible either way. I've never wanted do anything at TAFE. I have been to numerous disability job recruiters and they only offer Factory & maybe Retail, they mostly agree I'm not suitable and otherwise say to try a TAFE certificate and it's not really worth continuing with them anymore. Plus with the economy they don't have much job offers. It's also sad because I have been under psychiatrist's since 2013 for not agreeing with a diagnosis, So I've been stuck on the DSP system and I've had to feel handicapped when I don't agree with having the diagnosis.

I have wanted to be a musician since 2009, but I just haven't had the ideal confidence because of high school, no direction and work history, the psychiatry dilemma and since I've had three lasting pharmaceutical side effects, Mostly now being pre diabetic and with belly stretch marks, and I had a cholecystectomy unfortunately too. I also don't like my aunt because my Dad's sister is virtually the same like my Dad's personality and with her appearance and they sort of side against me and my lovely mum. I also used to have rarer occasions with my Dad's friend whose only a few years older than me and I was always beneath that too for about a decade on occasions. I also don't like my generations music which makes me want to give up creativity.

[LostPigeon407]

It also makes me very angry that since I have a diagnosis, wither I agree or not, that I have to have medical certificates approved to drive and potentially occupational assessments at some stages. I hate that I've had to be under psychiatrist's and tainted essentially to just have a bit of money for any chance at financial savings, driving and to buy materialistic possessions. I literally would never have a life without driving it's the most basic thing anyone needs after 18, but it's just knowing that my parents wouldn't pay for my driving, It's only on behalf of Centrelink that I could have anything.

[smallwolf]

Wow. There is a lot you have mentioned there and at this second not sure what you reply to. So right now thought I might get to reply to

you mentioned a liking for music and also "don't like my generations music". Can you tell me what sort of music you do like? My own tastes are a little extreme! And I know some who play violin or flute and tastes are not "mainstream". You like what you like and that is enough.

What attracts to Christianity content? When you said online, I assume you mean like "YouTube"? Can you tell me more about that?

Finally, I am saddened again by what you had to go through in your family. And the other stuff you mentioned we can talk about at a later date if you like?