family type questions

steve_53 · ‎12-07-2017

hello im a newbie the reason ive loged in is i think i have family members whom are older than i that may have mental issues and im just trying to get my head around the situation and how to handle different types senarios like approaching issues with elderly parents whom think they are all ok but their body language and how they conduct them selves on a daily basis doesnt match up to what i see as other people doing as day to day going thru life . is there anything on the forums to help family members like myself as to where to start and how to even approach issues with parents who think their day to day is going great but in my thinking they arnt

solabear · ‎12-07-2017

Hello Steve, first of all I'd like to welcome you to the forums and well done for posting.....it can be daunting sometimes.

In order to answer your question or assist you with this issue I need a bit more info about your loved ones you are concerned about. Would you like to share a bit more about their behaviour or what you are concerned about specifically.

I look forward to your reply

Sola

steve_53 · ‎12-07-2017

thank you solar

the person is my father hes 73 he lives in the past ie we always did things this way and wont change his thinking to more modern ways of achieving the end means he blames family and inlaws for the problems of his life so far the house he lives in is a mess and i mean a hoarders mess ........... if we try and help him clean the mess up it will gradually return and builds up bigger than the last time he sleeps every moment he possibly can of the day and sleeps all night as well . hes basically been a tyrant most of his life and he knows to get his way he will argue and berate and put down until the person he argues with backs down but this all happens with family mostly and yet outside people only see this poor old man whom needs help cause he tells everyone he cant do things himself if hes asked a question as to what he see of things happening in his life ( i prusume we all have some sort of planning as to where or what we whould be doing over the next few years ) he will answer as oh we will just see how it all goes im frustrated just to the fact that he lives in his mind of when he was living thru the sixties and we are now 2017 and things dont seem to change thanks

geoff · ‎13-07-2017

hello Steve, an interesting post but rather a frustrating one for you, and one which isn't going to be easy to overcome simply because he's quite defiant and refusing any help, and then complaining to others that he needs help.
I'm not quite sure how far I can go with my comment, however let's start.
People who are messy can have OCD but I think this situation goes further than this, because maybe he is beyond living at home by himself, but to move him won't be easy, because he will resent anybody telling him he has to be looked after in an aged care facility, perhaps I maybe wrong and he could enjoy the company, that you won't know until he's moved.
Remember what he thinks is OK to do, may not be suitable for his own safety, hygiene and health by what he eats, he is beyond looking after himself and will certainly become very stubborn with any suggestions.
Does he keep in touch with his doctor or a doctor who may be able to talk some reason into him, I know it maybe like talking to a brick wall, but I think he's far beyond living at home, it's awful to say this because one day the same will be said to me. Geoff.

steve_53 · ‎13-07-2017

geoff

thank you yes i understand its very hard to convince my father my thinking is for his own well being .the many arguements over the years is like well if you want to live that way then dont complain ......by the rest of the family . my thinking is do i have to let things slide further in health wise ie hes had a hip operation and other surgery and falls over on three occasions i know of in the last six months and wait until he recognises that he cant look after himself or do we the family push the point ...... i know the answer is not easy im probably doomed to fail in any way i go but my thinking is maybe i have to try something if anything

steve_53 · ‎13-07-2017

oh and to anyone if they can answer why the anger ............ why the blame laid on everyone else ..............and why why so arrogantly obstinant please

romantic_thi3f · ‎13-07-2017

Hi Steve 53,

I was just having a read of your posts and I'm sorry that you're struggling through this.

Although I'm a young person I know both of my parents have had to go through similar experiences with their parents; one being a hoarder and sleeping all day, and another with health issues refusing to get help. It can be incredibly difficult to navigate and like you said, I don't think there's an easy way around it.

I think one of the key things though is to try and understand a little about your father and where he might be coming from. From your post it sounds like your father can argue very easily and has quite a mess; but isn't interested in getting any help or making any changes. You've talked about him arguing and sleeping often; is he still eating okay? How is his mood generally?

Even though I don't know you or your father my initial thoughts are that it could be his way of being in control. Often with people who hoard even though to the outsider it looks messy and silly, to them it's like one thing that they can control - their stuff. Even arguments; it could potentially be a silly one, but it's the one thing he might not want to back down on. I'm guessing that the idea of him accepting help and thinking about long term changes (like needing more help in the future) is so devastating to him and his independence that it's easier to ignore it and try and push it further away.

I would be interested to know how you've approached things in the past; what sort of changes have you talked about? Big changes like needing to go into a home because of surgery and falls or getting rid of the things in his home are very different to allowing an OT (Occupational Therapist) to come in and install some rails, or moving some things so that if he falls he's less likely to hit his head. Even though they'll probably be a lot of resistance I really encourage you to try and start really small; seeing maybe where he's coming from and that big changes are not realistic at this point.

I hope that this helps a little. You may even find it helpful to get an outsiders opinion like a psychologist who can perhaps give you some extra strategies about how to talk to him and/or make some plans for the future.

Neil_1 · ‎13-07-2017

Hi there Steve,

You’ve had some really great responses so far and I hope that they’ve helped you.

I really only have one question or thing to add and that relates to your siblings? You’ve mentioned “we the family” a couple of times, so I’m guessing that you’ve got bro’s and sisters involved here as well? That would be really good if this is the case, cause then you’ve got more support in this instance. So it’s not just you.

Kind regards

Neil

steve_53 · ‎21-07-2017

romantic i thank you for your piece and everthing you say as comments i agree with it is like hes in his own world and its like nothing is wrong in his mind .he has this strange attatude to things that everyone who he expects to help him out all the time ie his older brother is expected to work as hard as a twenty year old which is not good for his health whylist my father sits down and watches . his advice on getting jobs done is always to the point of taking three times the lenght of time to do it than the younger generation wish to spend on it once again thanks for the comments much appreciated

and to neil thank you yes these comments are very helpful they have given me some prespective and some ideas as to how to aid in this situation when i first posted i was i the likes of a blank space and now things do look differently from my prespective . in terms for family this has been going on for thirty something years my mother has put up with some terrible things that have happened . the family closet hides a lot where outsiders cant see what happens day to day . my younger brothers and sister have had enough and have slowly walked to the side i will put it one will see the old man occasionally the others will keep their distance due to the fact that he shouldnt treat people like he does and it always ends in arguements so they have generally given up because of it happening for so long .............. my thoughts are all children now have grand children and its safer for these kids not to see their grandfather blow up the way he does . some will say its cruel to do that but it was hard enough living it every day so it is safer to kepp the grandchildren away from that torment which they wouldnt understand whats going on . i will admit i dont understand it myself so how can i explain it to our next family generations once again thanks much appreciated