Family seperation

[Phoebe_1]

Hi everyone, I have not been diagnosed with anxiety or depression however and going through a huge change in my life. In August we lost my dad to bowel cancer after a 3 year completely horrific fight. Previously to that I have been emotionally abused by my mother from a young age and I have started to stick up for myself.and not put up with her behaviour. After dad died I was told I no longer have a room there anymore. Our mother left us over our first father's Day without our dad and then sat us down with the help of her sister to tell us what horrible people we are. I refused to continue to listen to it. Packed up everything I owned and drove to my partner's parents house where they are supportive and caring and have welcomed me into their home with the option of staying as long as I need to. I have made the decision to no longer have contact with my mother unless she seeks help. Today is my first birthday since dad passed away and the first birthday of many that I will have parentless. I guess I'm asking if anyone else has been through this? Is there anyone who can offer advise or piece of mind?

[ecomama]

Dear Phoebe_1

I am so sorry for serious losses you've had so recently. My sincere condolences for the loss of your dear father. Many hugs, this is a really difficult time for you. Please be kind to yourself. I'm glad you have a safe place to live.

As for your mother.... words cannot describe.

Yes I've been through similar - not the same. Very similar. I'm just so sorry this has happened to a you. My heart goes out to you, immensely.

My words of advice?
Right now? Be kind to yourself. Take any offers of support you get. If you can get financial assistance from Centrelink, then please register for this asap. Hopefully there are people who can help you do this at Centrelink.
Do you have other family members ie siblings? If so maintain contact with these family members. You will need to share your grief with those who are grieving also. This may sound odd but I urge you to split this time up into 3 parts when you're with those family....
1. Talking about your dad
2. Talking about your mum
3. Talking about what's next for each of you. Even if it's the next phone call or meeting up in the park. What self-care things you're doing. Or your futures. Anything involving you.
Take photos of yourselves together.

This last step is just as important as the others. Often we get stuck in the first 2. Number 3 is to begin the road of independence and building your new family dynamic. You may have to lead this.

Dear Phoebe realise that these are HUGE life changes for you. Many people never go through this, some go through similar like me, some go through worse ofcourse. But what you are going through right now is massive.

I want you to understand that it's normal to have down feelings over the grief of your dad and also the loss of your home and family structure. Please keep an eye on these moods, albeit they can be totally normal. It's normal to grieve and we may grieve for a very long time. But if / when you need help, see your GP immediately.

I really want you to see a Counsellor to support you through this time. Many are doing zoom, mine is face - to - face but I am choosing calls atm to keep them all safer there. Counselling can really help but if you don't click with one try another until you find someone you feel can relate to you.

That's enough from me for now lol. We're always here to talk to and there are lots of other kind forum members separated from family. I hope they'll be along to offer you their support soon.

Love EM

[Lagela]

Hi Phoebe,

I have been through something similar although let’s replace your mother with my son.

I don’t want to hijack your thread but did want to say you’re not alone and everything that EM said is spot on.

good luck.
L