Family breakdown

[Lee93]

I Need help saving my marriage an getting him healthy,

Y husband has been struggling since when have had children (6 an 3),

But the past few years he really targets the oldest, his expectations for children  are to high An he expects them to be seen an not herd , he's not wrong in his parenting but he gets very over the top aggressive over the smallest things they do, eg 3 year old wee'd on toilet seat an he didn't want to clean it ,instead of husband showing him a way he can do that with out getting his hands dirty he stood there  screaming at him , this has happend time an time again ,were the kids an I are say sorry for him been upset because he gets angry or upset , 

It took a drastic turn last month we're I askd him to leave, he was been very stand over an we all needed a brake,  

Iv askd him to go get mental help as he has trouble with controlling his emotions an expects everyone to change with his emotions,  

How do I support him in getting help an get him to understand 3 an 6 are still so young an his expectations are every high , I love my husband but I can't have him home if we constantly get mental abuse cause he can't controll his emotions ,

How do I show him I did the best thing for our bbys, I didn't do it to hurt him but to protect them , my eldest already suffers from anxiety an shuts down when dads yelling he's allready showing signs of not wanting to be around him not wanting to be loved by him , 

He's blaming me for kicking him out , I understand y he's hurt I completely get that , an I hate that he's hurt but he's lashing out at me now everything I do or say , seems to create a bigger problem,  

I'm almost thinkn shutting up an letting it blow over is my best option atm ,

How do I save my marriage but protect my bbys at the same time , I'm not going to let him bully the kids cause he's mentally not ok 

[therising]

I feel for you and your kids so much. What an incredibly stressful way to be living, dreading the next time one of you does something 'wrong'.

There'll be some things or people that are sent to test us, mentally and emotionally, and kids will definitely fit the bill. Being a mum myself, I'd agree that kids can be incredibly testing at times. While they do challenge us, how we rise to the challenges can serve us and our kids. While you saw the need to rise to the challenge of cleaning pee off the seat without your son getting it on his hands (looking to teach him a skill), your husband brought everyone down into stress. While you see the need to rise to a mindset of more patience, your husband may bring everyone down through his intolerance. And while I imagine you and your kids may thrive on and raise each other through open conversations and good communication skills, providing each other with reasons (aka 'being reasonable), your husband sounds more 'old school'. A bit of suppression and oppression here and there, which can lead to depression for some people. In mentioning kids being testing, before parenthood some adults aren't seriously tested in a number of ways. Once kids come along, with all their testing ways, there's no saying 'I've had enough of the challenges, I don't want these kids anymore, they're too hard to deal with'. Basically, we're stuck with them. I say that lovingly 😁❤️  Anyone who becomes extremely intolerant and emotionally challenged will not deal with kids well. They may lack the emotional maturity it takes to manage raising children.

I offer words of warning, when it comes to keeping the peace. It changes you and not for the best. This is based on my own experience. You become someone who stops fighting for the things you should be fighting for, such as an environment where people can experience the freedom to be themselves to some degree. Your free spirited nature is sacrificed as the environment you live in becomes dreadful or full of dread. When we condition our self to behave in certain ways, so as to not rock the boat or so as conform to expectations, we can end up sacrificing self love and self esteem.

It was many years ago, when my kids were about 3 and 6, when I went to marriage counseling on my own (as my husband didn't want to go). The counselor said something to me that was positively mind altering. It changed my perspective dramatically. She said 'What makes you think you don't deserve to live the way you wish to?'. I came away thinking 'I deserve better than this, how I'm being treated. My kids deserve better than this, how they are being treated. What the hell am I doing, going along with my husband's conditions for a 'happy home'? It's far from happy for the rest of us'. While my husband wasn't intensely abusive, he was a control freak. He was a bit of a dictator who liked to dictate how he liked things. And if he didn't get his own way, he'd become angry on occasion. Btw, if you shrink a fully grown adult down into a child, if they are unreasonable, self serving, demanding, demeaning, aggressive and more, they would resemble a bully having a tantrum every time they didn't get their own way.

Whether your husband's expressing his parenting style through how he was parented or whether he's facing mental health issues that have been ramped up as a result of having kids or there's something else at play, the fact of the matter is the 3 of you can't continue living under these conditions. There's definitely a need to address his nature and either lead him to wake up to it (so that he can work on better understanding it while changing elements of it) or leave him to live with it on his own. I feel for you so much as you face such an incredibly stressful time in your life. Is there anyone in your life who's capable of raising you at this time, while you raise your kids?

[Lee93]

Unfortunately me asking my husband to leave was what I was hoping would be a wake up call but his sadness has turnd into anger , 

I'm hoping we can get threw this holiday season an then contact a family therapist,  hopefully if someone else explains it I won't just be the nagging wife , 

He can see I'm trying to help to him everything is a personal attack ,I do believe this stems from his childhood, as he felt like he was never good enough, he never did things correctly,  Ian I do get told well this is how I was raised alot (I try to explain  then we need to brake the cycle cause he didn't like his up bringing) 

An once again he gets stuck in a panic which turns into anger cause he doesn't know how ,

I'm all alone over in Australia so I'm abit stuck for help ,his family isn't helpful at all, Iv tryd to ask his father for insite but no one wants to get involved in our marriage leave us in imbo I suppose, 

[therising]

Hi Lee93

Personally, I had no idea how many skills were involved in raising kids, until I had kids myself. It all starts with the skill of determining what type of cry a baby is expressing (tiredness, discomfort, pain etc), amongst so many other skills to be developed. Do we have the skills or abilities required to develop patience or the skill or ability to calm our nervous system? Every time our child goes through a new challenge, we're challenged to develop along with them in the ways they need us to. At the end of the day, we can't use and pass on skills, abilities and tools we were never given. I imagine this is one of the challenges your husband faces, his father not giving him what he needed in order to make things easier for his son when he became a father.

Wondering whether a different approach could be the way to go. Something along the lines of asking your husband 'When it comes to fathering, what abilities do you wish your father had?'. If he says something like 'I wish he had been more encouraging', you could perhaps ask 'What does encouraging your kids sound like, when you want them to achieve something, such as wiping the toilet seat? What does simple encouragement sound like in this case?'. If your husband's anything like mine, he'd say 'I shouldn't have to encourage him to wipe the seat, he should just do it'. Hmmm, that was not an answer to the question I asked.😊

If your husband's family is relatively insensitive, they won't sense the need to get involved. While you can easily sense this need, being a more sensitive person while also being directly involved, insensitive people prefer to be emotionally detached from other people's struggles and emotions. This way, they don't have to feel the challenge/s and they don't have to take any responsibility. This is what I've found to be the case.

You're absolutely spot on, it's about breaking the cycle. If no one in the history of your husband's family (going back hundreds of years) has ever developed skills in patience, for example, he would be the first and that's something to be incredibly proud of. To be the most conscious person in the history of his family is a massive achievement. How to make a semi conscious person far more conscious can be an enormous challenge. While separating for a brief period of time was not a wake up call, something else will be. The question is 'What?'.