Falling back in love when love is gone?

Guest_598 · ‎01-12-2019

Hi All,

when someone

has fallen out of love with a person,
has moved out a year ago,
says the trust and attraction are gone,
wants to move on but feels obligated to do the right thing (i.e. giving the old partner a chance to talk through all issues),
told their old partner they wouldn't date or marry them given the person they are today, and
there is another person they have feelings for,

is it likely that the love for the old partner comes back when they spend a few (2-3) weeks with together? Or is this likely the end and the meeting serves more the purpose of showing it's over and planning a clean separation?

Guest_598 · ‎18-12-2019

Oh Mary,

Thank you so very much. That was such a wonderful, insightful and considerate response. You have just helped me a great deal, thank you!

And most of all, I wanted to say that I hope you are on the mend and feeling much better. Please note that just as you are here for me, I am here, too, if I can help with any positive words of encouragement.

Thank you again and I really hope you will be much better very soon. 😊

Nothappyuni · ‎18-12-2019

Hi Betternow,

You put some responses into other conversations I have read. Wow, you are so insightful it intrigues me. I absolutely agree with your statement here. It applies to my life too, with my X telling me she couldn't see me in her future, then when I leave she phones me or texts me under the pretence of checking that I am O.K

If they couldn't see it working before, what radical changes have occurred that mean three weeks later they can see it working?

AussieGal81, True relationships are built on trust, honesty and respect. I fall for people who play the sympathy card all the time, they are emotional Vampires. It should be give and take- YOU DESERVE to be loved and respected and know that you are wanted. I know I would walk through fire for my partner (If I had one), It wouldn't occur to me to exclude them from any part of my life, your commitment is with the one you are with.

Guest_1584 · ‎18-12-2019

Hi Ag , how are ya.

How ironic l come across your thread right now , l've just been through that exact thing as your bf , with my ex , and for around the same reasons. Just this last 3 wks. We couldn't be together in person , she's OS right now, but we've been talking everything through.

l met her after my marriage , it was very big stuff , but we just couldn't work it out and split after 2 1/2 yrs. but we've never gotten closure and were never quite satisfied that we should've broken up.

Well , 12 mths ago l met someone else , but this whole time l've needed in my heart to know whether ex and l were truly done and that closure . l just haven't been able to let fully go with my gf , and let us grow , because l've just needed the ex thing settled or something first.

Well , it's been hard on my gf but she's been patient. thing is , she's been up home the last 3 mths on a work contract too , so we haven't been together. l told her while this is like this, l wanted to talk to my ex and try to sort out the past and some kinda closure, so the we could move on when gf gets back.

So, ex and l have been talking and feeling things out 3wks now . but things were very different between us , it's been about 20 mths. at first it felt like we'll fall in love all over again , or like we never stopped, or something . but over time we started to fade, and over a few weeks things started to die off and change . we even started running out of things to say , yet we use to talk 24 7. And we started realizing how different and moved on'ish we'd become , with her new world there and mine here , l dunno, it became really really different, it all felt strange and different .like we weren't even in there anymore, the US we use to be.

Anyway , so after around 3 wks, we decided we just weren't feeling it anymore and things have just changed. And that was that. lt's sort of been upsetting and l haven't talked about it before this right here , but at the same time. we got the closure that l needed and once l've had some time , l feel like l can move on with my gf now.

Dunno if this will happen with your bf , but it's what's happened for me and has sorta turned out a good thing.

Best of luck . rx

Guest_598 · ‎20-12-2019

Thank you all very much.

I guess I will just have to wait and see now. I will see my partner for the last time tomorrow, then he is off interstate for the next two weeks. He is unhappy and stressed out about the trip but at the same time says he has to do it because there is constantly something holding him back from letting go and moving on. It has been very hard. We spent a few evenings together and it was blissful, close and so very emotionally connected. He tells me that he dreams of a future with me but in the same breath, he says he cannot let go and does not know why. He knows he needs to face her and although he has regularly told me he has zero feeling and connection with her, he told me that he has no idea whether the time with her might bring anything back. I think he is stressing himself out so much that he tells himself everything is possible, however, from all he has said and done so far, it seems incredibly unlikely that he would fall for her again. I think he continues with a high degree of nostalgia, and he realises that he needs to look through that to see whether it is just nostalgia and a feeling of known comfort or whether there are any feelings that will rekindle. To be honest, I cannot imagine the latter because he doesn't even seem to be interested in trying that. I doubt that love (which he has regularly told her is gone) will come back if you don't actively want it to return. He confuses me so much because of his own confusion. I'm heartbroken, scared and I'm really losing hope that he'll ever be able to cope with change. He told me that, from experience, he knows he doesn't cope well with change. He told his psych and the psych said that that is something they can work on. But first he needs to get himself to take the final step for the change.

I told him that I would love for him to come back to me in a few weeks so we can start an amazing future together. He said he wishes that, too. But again, he cannot just commit to me 100% without giving this another few weeks of time with her. It is as if he doesn't trust his feelings and gut. My friends say if he trusted his gut, he would already know that he wants to move on with me. But for some reason, he approaches this whole matter really analytically stating he needs to look at the most likely (i.e. no feelings for her & a future with me) and the most dangerous (i.e. latent feelings for her that he hasn't factored in). I doubt the latter will occur. But I am so scared and confused.

Guest_598 · ‎20-12-2019

I am constantly asking myself this, can nostalgia and comfort overpower the fact that you have no love, connection and attraction to your wife? They have been separated for a year and he says he has no longing. But will nostalgia make him stuck or is he just stuck there because he hasn't been able to really face her for a longer period. To make matters worse, he is going to stay in the same house with her and her brother now. At least for some time. He says he needs to do this because every time he tried speaking to her about the past over distance (e.g. phone), he just hangs up when he gets frustrated. He says, he needs to spend time with her to a) check his feelings and b) not be able to walk away so easily. He says he wants to assess how she treats him, how they interact, how her mood is and whether she drinks again (alcoholic). Apparently, she had a drink while talking to him on the phone the other day and he got angry. I do not understand why this wouldn't be enough to show him that she has not changed. Why would he continuously feel the need to spend more time with her to check whether his feelings are really gone? I know he feels the duty to do the right thing by her but he feels like he needs to gather more "data" to make an informed decision after just leaving from one day to the next after an argument a year ago. I feel he wants closure more than anything, but why does he constantly bring up the nostalgia, the fact that he wanted a functional marriage, etc. It feels like he is stuck in the past that will most likely never ever return. Will the trip up there and the time with her finally help for him to get the data he needs? Will he be able to see that there is nothing to this marriage anymore? Or will he let himself be clouded by the nostalgia and the feeling of comfort, although he says he cannot stay with her for decades just based on comfort. So confusing... 😞

Guest_1584 · ‎21-12-2019

Ahh , so it's ex w , dunno if l missed that earlier or what.

he hasn't been separated very long , no wonder then. right now the best thing you could do is not pressure him in anyway because really he needs another yr or so at least , l needed much longer spent nearly 4 yrs alone. Although some just seem to float on into something new in months even , or even straight away, dunno how but they do. he's not one though.

ironically, he sound in a very similar place l was , and gf was very worried about ex w too. but yet l doubt we could've even gotten back together anyway , it was all kinds of unfixable wrong for me anyway. but there are still huge connections and emotions involved and to this day , 7yrs , it's still strange when l see her. but l still couldn't see how we could possibly work it out anyway , because of all the problems.

l dunno what she thinks and feels when she sees me, she's one of the ones that went straight in with someone else, been with him since. but l could see she was also really messed up to buttt, they're still together,

lt sounds more an emotional thing for him rather than getting back together stuff, that's all a separate type thing , that's like l was and l needed all that too, especial some sort of closure. But from what you say , it sounds like he'll be ok

Keep the faith , hopefully it'll all be a blessing in the end.

rx

White_Rose · ‎21-12-2019

Hello AussieGal

I seem to be quite remiss in posting just lately. I am very tired and spent four days in hospital last week. I have an ongoing medical condition which makes me a bit vulnerable to picking up other bugs which normally, like everyone else, I would throw off. I think I slept for the equivalent of three days in hospital which was wonderful.

Unfortunately I cannot always respond to you lovely people immediately. However I would not give up posting here for any reason. I often say when I am writing to others I am also writing for myself. Thanks for your good wishes.

Mary

quirkywords · ‎21-12-2019

Aussiegal

Just clarifying has your husband left yet or is he leaving later this weekend .

"I can see you are going over and over your thoughts and this is natural . I think your sentence below shows how you are worried."

I think you have realised that your partner does not even know the answer even though he maybe be almost certain, he needs this time with her to make absolutely certain how he feels.

I have said before it, that it is hard for you to wait until has spent the time with her.

You have been very patient as many would find it nearly impossible to wait for him to decide .

You have waited this long so I hope it wont be long you get the answer you want from him.

Quirky

"I am constantly asking myself this, can nostalgia and comfort overpower the fact that you have no love, connection and attraction to your wife?"

I

Guest_598 · ‎23-12-2019

Hello Everyone,

thank you so much. I know I am repeating myself over and over, so it is nice that you are still responding and sharing your thoughts. My anxiety is terrible since yesterday because my partner left yesterday morning. We had the most beautiful last couple of days and were very close, tender and loving. I said to him that when it gets really dark and confusing where he is, he should please remember that there is a person sitting next to him with a big smile just as I was at the time, and that he can also remember all the beautiful things we have experienced together this year. Then I added that he can remember that we can have an absolutely beautiful future together with so many more experiences to come. When I said that to him on Saturday, he immediately said that that was exactly what he wanted to do during that tough times and that he constantly remembers all the lovely things we have done together, e.g. runs, trips, etc. He said this would just be the next step towards letting go. I believe he wanted to calm me and himself down with that but I also believe deep down in his heart, he knows where he wants to be and that this is over. But I'm so terribly anxious that he will get very confused up there. Not about love but about nostalgia and the fact that they were together for so long and he did not want the marriage to fail. I don't know what that will do to his resolve. He sounded confident that we would be together but at the same time, I know that confusion often grips his mind and he is fighting battles in his head between the good present and the nostalgia, his past commitment and guilt. I am so worried that he will let confusion rule his mind and his decision-making. I can only hope that the debrief with his friend after several days with her will help. My psychologist thinks that he is flogging a dead horse but that he needs to do that to really make sure it's dead. I hope that is the case and I hope he will see the truth. When he left yesterday, he said the next week will be tough because he knows he will hurt one person. He did not specify who of us two, he never does. But in my heart I simply can't imagine he could walk away easily from me and to someone he wasn't even eager to see. The waiting game is killing me and I am thinking negatively, as in "so far nothing has worked out for me as planned, why should it now". Is this just anxiety or real? I feel there are a lot of good signs for us but I'm just so scared to lose him.