Failed Marriage

[SCowell]

I'm hoping there might be some people on here who can help me get through the absolutely overwhelming sense of loss I am feeling at the failure of my marriage. I am alone, mother to a toddler and 5 months pregnant with my second child. I can't eat or sleep, and am alternating between feeling numb and having full blown panic attacks. I know it will get easier but I'm really struggling to see the light at the end of the tunnel, and my child is the only thing keeping me from giving up altogether. I need some advice on how to cope, I have never felt so absolutely broken. Please help

[geoff]

Hello SCowell, I am really sorry that you are having to face a situation like this, the same also happened to me but that is not important at the moment.

You will have a lot to cope with as you've got a toddler and being pregnant doesn't make it any easier for you, because everythings going to an effort for you, especially if you're trying to reconcile with your husband.

If you want to get back to us and explain a little bit more then we will be able to help you.

I can't say how upset I am for you.

Geoff.

[therising]

Hi SCowell

I wish I could just show up and give you the biggest hug. What a stressful and truly heart-breaking experience for you. Wondering if you have any support from family or friends.

Setting emotion aside (I know, easier said than done), is it possible for you to choose at least one thing in your life in the way of management, which can help give you a sense of control. Have you considered constructing a new routine to follow or even a financial plan of sorts? What about choosing one small goal to be achieved each day, as evidence of moving forward? Is there any desire to make plans to seek professional guidance, something worth considering? These are just a handful of ideas.

Grief is a terribly challenging process which can feel almost impossible to navigate. Whilst it may involve us having to deal with denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance in a variety of ways, I believe the greatest challenge the process gives to us involves the challenge to change our concept of self:

• I deny my true ability to cope without that person in my life vs I accept my true ability
• I am angry and resentful when it comes to having to change myself for that person (whether they stay or have left) vs I accept the positive changes my self needs to experience
• I will strike almost any bargain to keep the life I have, so that I do not have face my self/life without that person vs I will strike bargains when it comes to gradually managing my way toward who I need or wish to be
• I will remain in the darkness with my old identity (the way I've identified with life) vs...
• I will accept I am a different person to what I ever imagined or what I have been led to believe

This is really simplifying it. To be clear and realistic, it's not that simple when so much emotion is understandably present. We're not robots, easily reprogrammed with the flick of a switch, although we are able to change gradually. Is there some way you can alter the relationship you have with your self, how you see your self? Can you identify with or relate to the woman who is able to do something new and independent? It can be the tiniest thing, just to get you started on the path of personal reformation/reinvention. The stronger the connection you form to a new self, the weaker the connection to the old.

Changing so dramatically is rarely ever easy, especially when we have not been give a choice but taking the tiniest step forward will be evidence of your ability and courage.

Take care SCowell

[baet123]

Hey SCowell,

Welcome to the forums and thanks for posting.

Sorry to hear your struggling at present and I feel for you. What your experiencing is quite common and many people can relate to you and try not to be too hard on yourself.

Geoff and Therising have mentioned some great points above and I will just add information about a few services that would love to hear from you below:

- MindSpot Clinic 1800 61 44 34

- PANDA (Perinatal Anxiety & Depression Australia) provides a national telephone information, counselling and referral service staffed by trained volunteers, professional counsellors and supervising staff. Many helpline counsellors have had their own experience of perinatal depression or anxiety. Call 1300 726 306, 9am-7:30pm AEST (Mon-Fri).

- SANE Australia provides support, training and education enabling those with a mental illness to lead a better life. Call 1800 18 7263, 9am-5pm AEST (Mon-Fri)

- Perinatal Psychiatry is a small specialist service for inpatients and outpatients. Please contact your local health department and speak to your local Community Health Centres.

If you would like to provide me with more information relating to where you live, I would be able to provide you with the names and numbers of agencies/services that are able to assist you.

Things will get better and there are many services out there that will be able to assist you and relieve some of the stress and negative emotions you are feeling. I can tell your a loving, strong, caring and resilient mother and I hope to hear back from you shortly.

All the best,

Nick.