Ex wife upsetting me - trying to move forward

[Guest_7403]

My wife left me 6 weeks ago because my cptsd was out of control and I wasn't making any efforts to get better.

I went to a private mental hospital for two weeks in an attempt to start my recovery.

Whilst in there she reached out and said maybe she'd like to try, she went back and forth the entire time and basically disrupted my hospital stay, upsetting me daily.

When I got home, she came over from her mums and hugged and kissed me, she did this for three days straight.

I messaged her on day 4 and said I felt really good and thought we had a real shot at this, she replied and told me that the romantic kissing meant nothing and she only did it to make me feel better.

I was upset and very hurt by her actions, as it meant more to me then nothing.

I awoke the next day to a message telling me she loves me but she doesn't want to try, doesn't want to continue and to respect her decision and not contact her.

So i haven't as I just want to heal and move on with my life and accept my marriage is over.

She works at my work and when I return from my work cover itll be hard to see her.

But today I get a knock at the door, and it's the police doing a welfare check on me saying that my wife has called and is concerned for my safety because I haven't messaged her and I haven't responded to my work place.

This is a lie, I spoke to management last week about my health and future plans.

I recieved a msg from my boss saying he's here to talk if I need anything just before the police arrived.

It's upset me, as I have respected her wishes, have done nothing wrong.

And now she's discussing my mental state with my bosses and making me out to be unstable which is untrue.

I just want this nightmare to end and move forward with my love. This just makes going back harder.

[ecomama]

Hi TBL

I'm so sorry for all that you've been through and are going through atm.

Just within yourself, look at what you have.
I agree with Mr Paul in that you need to look after YOU right now.

Please phone a helpline ANY time you need to!
1800RESPECT is amazing.
And you have been DISRESPECTED, so that's a great helpline for you.
You can ask to be put through to a trauma psych straight away.
I've found they're awesome.
They can give you the names of Counsellors / Psychs. That's where I got my AMAZING Counsellor from and she's an ANGEL... for over 5 years.

Later on, when you are able to, you may be able to organise some supervised visitation with your baby girl... and look I KNOW that's not fair!
I know... but within this your interactions with your little girl are observed and this all feeds into more evidence.
But that's later. And only when you can handle that process. (If ANYONE can actually "handle it").

This may be completely out of line but it's part of what helped me through when I found out THE most disgusting things about demon ex.

Chumplady.com

She's awesome.

A huge part of your recovery is SELF-CARE. Just force yourself. And to eat too!!!!

Also slowly but surely learning how to laugh again. This took me YEARS. But I can now and it's freaking awesome.

Reconnect with friends / family you like and have been disconnected from.

Repairing all the damage from all the abuse from your ex and all the rest is totally up to us.
We can get help and support but it's basically up to us.

I really know you can do this TBL. I just know you can.

Lots of love EM

[Guest909]

All the signs were there, they were simply misinterpreted - all water under the bridge now. We have both been "discarded" by the people we trusted most.

After my wife and I separated it took me some time to realise what had happened and why. Through this understanding I was able to find some degree of closure. Yes it is still a struggle, but I now know what she is, and who she is, and I don't like either of them. Moreover, I would never take her back knowing what I know now.

As EM suggested, work on getting visitation with your daughter; if that is what you want. The court will not separate a parent from there children, unless absolutely necessary. You have to play the game or the system will spit you out.

Cheers

[Guest_7403]

I understand about fighting for my daughter etc.

But I have done mediation and family court previously with my other ex...and its definately a stressful expensive process.

Not sure i am up to do it again, definately not right now.

Im also not sure if I want a relationship with my daughter, I know its not her fault but I dont really want to deal with her mother for the next 16 years. Will be a complete nightmare.

This is a woman that reported her own father to dhs numerous times, reported her ex to the tax office over his business etc...shes not someone to deal with

[ecomama]

Dear TBL

I am always reticent to suggest that option but I wanted to last night.

I completely understand and I completely agree.

Your health and safety from ALL abusive tactics is worth so much more than going majorly downhill and not being around for YOURSELF or any of your children as they grow older.

YOU MATTER!

I'm very sorry. Grieving over this also cannot be underestimated in its impact on top of what you're trying to live with (PTSD etc).

It's a new day and time to put yourself first and foremost in your life, today and every day.

What are you up to today?

We have a self-care thread you may like to have a look at. We're all trying there too!

Love and care
EM

[Guest909]

This is a woman that reported her own father to dhs numerous times, reported her ex to the tax office over his business etc...shes not someone to deal with

This is what a narcissist does; there is no real surprise here. Narcissist, think of people as objects, things that can be disposed of at will. They don't think like the rest of us; there is no remorse or guilt on their part.

When my wife walk out on me, she wanted the divorce, but at the same time, wanted to keep all of the benefits of the marriage. She wanted me to support her lifestyle as if we were still married.

In the end, I had to take court action to get her to the mediation table for property settlement. When mediation failed, I had to take further court action to get her to arbitration. She had sole occupancy of the house and she was not going to let the divorce change that arrangement, or any other aspect of her privileged life.

At the time of arbitration things got really nasty. My ex engage a criminal barrister (QC) to peruse a Kennon (domestic violence) argument at arbitration. I was accused of financial control, sexual abuse, and domestic violence simply because she thought it would help her case for property at arbitration.

Long story short, I could have capitulated and given her what she wanted. I didn't, I stuck to my guns, and in the end her house of cards came tumbling down when she had to support her vial accusation with evidence. I can only assume her high priced QC told her that she did not have a case. My ex then accepted my initial offer for property settlement and arbitration was cancelled.

My ex got what she wanted and I did not have to reward her for her bad behaviour. This was a huge boost to my feelings of low self-worth and self-esteem.

Sometimes, karma will prevail.

[Guest_7403]

Actually having a good day today thanks!!

Signed up to tinder yesterday....because why not I figure!! Messaging a couple of nice ladies...nothing serious just chat..but it helps my confidence and has shown me ive still got the ability to date :)

First session at the gym, was good to be back...albeit limited to 45 mins but made it work.

Giving the car a tub this arvo and a polish....keep active. And hitting the essay afterwards ive been putting off..much better frame of mind

[Guest_7403]

It sounds like you've been through the wars too mate!! Its no fun..just hoping its blue skies on the other side of this.

I dont see it as giving up and giving her what she wants. She's gonna do all those things regardless of my attitude....defame me, try and take me for all im worth etc...but I dont feel the need to openly invite that toxicity into my life...had enuff of that with her.

Just want my old life back, happy as one can realistically be, and most importantly stable and working. Cant do that fighting with her for the next 18 months in courts etc

Its just how I feel atm. Let the ivo run its course for 12 months...get myself together and reassess in another 6 months.

[Guest909]

"Its just how I feel atm. Let the ivo run its course for 12 months...get myself together and reassess in another 6 months".

If that is how you feel, run with it. There is no right or wrong way to respond.

"Just want my old life back, happy as one can realistically be, and most importantly stable and working".

It is good to see that you have a long term goal; you need something to aim for. Your university study might open up new opportunities for employment.

Signed up to tinder yesterday....because why not I figure!!

Good for you. This is a little light at the end of a dark tunnel.

I'm glad you are feeling a little better today.

Cheers

Paul

[ecomama]

Theborderline said:Actually having a good day today thanks!!

Signed up to tinder yesterday....because why not I figure!! Messaging a couple of nice ladies...nothing serious just chat..but it helps my confidence and has shown me ive still got the ability to date :)

First session at the gym, was good to be back...albeit limited to 45 mins but made it work.

Giving the car a tub this arvo and a polish....keep active. And hitting the essay afterwards ive been putting off..much better frame of mind

AWESOME!

Now you're showing me up! Hey my car needs a tub too! lol.

You sound SO much more relaxed and I'm really happy to hear that TBL.

Exerting control and influence over what you DO have control and influence over is a powerful focus TBL.... (see Stephen Covey's 7 Habits of Highly Effective People for more awesomeness lol).

I wish you well with the new people you meet and ofcourse your gym adventures lol.

EMxxxx

[Guest_1643]

good for u - i think that's an awesome step of self-care - just joining tinder and seeing what happens and being open to new people

i'm sure over time ull prevail and the ex wife will feel like it's not worth the effort to harm you - she'll see she just can't.

She might even try to come back you never know - but by building yourself up you'll be stronger and she won't be able to manipulate at all.

Glad ur enjoying the gym and some projects!!