Emotional blackmail- surviving it

[white knight]

For me and many others that are subjected to emotional blackmail, it can have lasting lifetime effects. What is emotional blackmail?

In my experience emotional blackmail develops in a person that, for whatever reason, believes their conventional methods of accomplishing control, no longer work. They think of other techniques in a desperate attempt to maintain their status rather that using other tools like love and persuasion. EM can also develop when a parents children turn to adults, an era when a parent often loses the control they once had over their child. The parents lack of control is unacceptable to them and unless they do accept their child as having the ability to make adult decisions, it becomes a downward spiral that wont recover. The parents demands become louder and their techniques more desperate.

Sometimes the child/adult child is unaware of such unacceptable conduct like emotional blackmail being used. I was 27yo before it hit me between the eyes. I was educated at a GROW meeting and a chapter was dedicated to the topic in one of their booklets. From then on I had a fight on my hands with my mother as the EB continued. I had a girlfriend at the time that my mother didnt like "if you dont split up from her I'm going to pack my bags and go visit my cousin for 2 weeks"... my answer "I'll help you pack". Sounds nasty but you need to equalise the injustice/car for yourself.

The people that use EB are desperate souls so it isnt limited to that technique to get you to do what they want you to do. Triangulation is another hurtful form of manipulation. Have a fall out with the parent, parent rings your sibling to get them on side, you then have a serious fall out with your sibling. It's all about power and power over an individual isnt freedom. It isnt developing strong relationships.

Sadly you have few options. In fact my sister and I stopped all contact with our mother 11 years ago. She is now 90yo and no children in her life nor 3 grandchildren as they were treated similar (not from our influence or that would make us as guilty).

I'm convinced there is mental illness at play however strong denial means nothing can be done to save the situation. Refusal to get treatment by a perpetrator means they also often deny themselves of family and friends and, sadly, thats a choice they make for their own lives.

Those with EB can be tyrants. The victims can be scarred for life. Make the best out of a bad situation and seek peace.

TonyWK

[Guest_1643]

Hi Learn to Fly,

It is hard but not impossible to change patterns. I think we can change if we work on it and not be the same. Ur open heart and willingness is a huge prescence that Ur kids will pick up on.

Thanks for sharing

[Guest_1643]

Emotional blackmailers sem to justify all their or bad behaviour...

I Think there is a significant difference between struggling and making mistakes eg losing a temper, and recognising it, then gaslihhting a person that abuse is not abuse.

for me the key difference with blackmail is the total lack of acknowledgement of the effect on the other person, and asking them in a way to cosign the lie....to say what they are doing is OK, and accept their abuse.

How do u speak up to someone who emotionally back mails u ?

Part of the game seems to be making the victims look crazy, making them scared to speak up, suggesting no one will believe them.

It works, it really does. You get that message in Ur head that what u experience isn't real and becoem scared to speak the truth.

Understanding this doesn't mean it's easy. I find it very hard to hold onto my reality when someone abusive is gas lighting or threatening me.

[white knight]

Hi Sleepy

You have raised the most important challenge for us with emotional blackmail- how do WE treat it, because those that use EB are often narcissists and they wont ever not be narcissists.

• Reverse psychology. My mother "If you dont break off with that woman I'll pack my bags and go off to the countryside for 2 whole weeks". My response- "I'll help you pack".
• Ignoring them. What is a good idea is to mention "I've identified you use EB when trying to control me, I will now ignore you every time you do so until hopefully, you will rid yourself of that incorrect behaviour"
• Leave their life. Those that use EB desire to control. In my case and likely many others, a parent knows their child is an adult however the expect then demand that their now adult child is slipping away from them. Mother hen wants their child to be under their wing and the gap between parent and child grows wider and wider as if independence sought by the child is confused with the child rejecting that parent or in the least disrespecting them. After decades of struggling to play her game or eliminate that game she plays for me there was no other option but to leave her life.
• Gaslighting and EB are two very separate actions that are equally (IMO) damaging and effective weapons. The gaslighter has such confidence he/she will force judgement upon you of your capability to of knowing right from wrong to the point that you doubt your own mind. The gaslighter knows how confident you are not. The EB will use their position as leverage, relying upon their role in the victims life to weaponise things like their absence, inheritance, valuables etc to curtail behaviour they see as untoward. Both are unacceptable.
• Abuse in my view is when someone feels they are abused and that such abuse is recognised by most people as being abuse. EG your partner says "you're unreliable and lazy". You can "feel" abused but if it is fact then it isnt abuse, if 5 or 6 people say it is fact then it isnt abuse. There is grey areas eg being called "lazy" might be a description used in that family as the family has a long reputation of laziness. People outside the family might not realise how damaging a word of description could be used. But essentially facts stated is not abuse and can be opinions of which we all are entitled.

TonyWK

[Fenderhan]

I got a remote job in tech support. The head of my department initially allowed frivolous forms of addressing employees. She always tried to flirt with me in the chat and even in general conversation with colleagues.

[white knight]

Hi Fenderhan

Can you expand on this? How has that affected you? 

TonyWK

[Fenderhan]

 She always tried to flirt with me in the chat and even in general conversation with colleagues. One day I couldn't go to a corporate party that was being held in another city. She began to write that she felt bad without me; she was insanely sorry that I was not there. By the way, we have never seen each other live. I turned to the management of the company, and she was fired. After that, I started receiving various threats on social networks.  It turned out that it was my former boss. The case has been handed over to the police, and I believe this will no longer spoil my life.

[white knight]

Hi,

Predatory behaviour is unacceptable and reporting it was the correct action.

TonyWK 

[OpenThought]

Hey TonyWK,

I discovered this post last night and thank you for posting it. I'm here because I'm in a situation where I'm being called an emotional blackmailer by a close friend who also violated my trust and as much as I've spoken to multiple people about this I still feel like I'm in the wrong. For context, I've been using a private account to vent that my friends can opt into and leave at any time but I'm still being called an emotional blackmailer and I'm struggling a lot with that if there is any support or help or things I can do. Is there a chance I'm in the wrong?

Thanks, OpenThought

[white knight]

Hi OT

Ok so emotional blackmail, lets get it in its true form. When in my 20's if I brought a girlfriend to my parents home and a few days later my mother said "I think you can do better than her, what about that nice girl Pamela? she was nice". My reply "but I prefer Janice mum". (Escalation) "well if you dont break up with Janice I'll pack my bags and go away for 2 weeks". To which my reply would be "Do you want me to help you pack your suitcase"?

My end reply might seem sarcastic but there is no other way of combatting and trying to eliminate abuse. Emotional blackmail is often used together with manipulation.

Back to your situation. When people point the finger at you for whatever reason you will feel guilty and if you have low self esteem you are going to feel you are lacking confidence that you are right. It's like someone telling you every day you are ugly, eventually you look in the mirror and you say to yourself "gee I am ugly". Yet you could well be better looking than that person telling you, you are ugly.

One method to overcome your insecurity of not knowing you are right or wrong is to approach a wise person to evaluate your situation. If they say "yes you are wrong" then reassess the situation, put it down to experience and learn from it. If they say you are right, then stand your ground. However friendships are fragile. Any action you do that if not a normal practice, friends can focus on that and treat you harshly. Fitting into friendships as Ms or Mr average doing common things is a safer place to be.

So review your private account, it might be harming you.

Thankyou for posting.

TonyWK

[Samahatwey]

The essence of any blackmail boils down to the following: if you don't behave the way I want, you will regret it!