Fighting for nothing

[-sensitivesally]

My husband and I have been together for 12 years. We have 2 kids together. Our relationship has had its ups and downs but for the most part, we are happy. My husband is a good man and a good father but he has always struggled to deal with my emotions when I'm upset. He ignores me, is mean to me and makes me feel worthless which is the opposite of how I need to be supported. I have expressed this to him but when he is annoyed he is a different person. Mean, heartless and stubborn. 

I do 90% of things for our house and family and lately I've been feeling pretty burnt out. I also work part time and study at uni part time so I don't get a lot of free time. When my husband gets home from work sometimes he claims he is too tired for anything so I cook, clean and do it all. Give him a massage ect anything to make his day better. When I'm

exhausted and looking for the same treatment, I'm told no and that's just what wives do. I am a very equal role household so to hear my husband say I should be doing 90% because I'm the wife, makes me speechless. Tonight we were meant to have a movie night with our son. Instead he went to the pub and got drunk, letting my son and I both down. Letting me down has definitely happened on many occasions when he is the mean version of himself, but to let my son down broke my heart. I believe he isn't happy with me any more which is why is he so cold and heartless. He claims it's un true but actions speak louder than words and I don't know how much longer I can go on feeling undervalued, unloved and worthless. It makes me feel lower than I've ever felt before. He holds this power over me that can make me feel my happiest or my absolute worst. Sorry for rambling but any advice would really be appreciated. 

[Croix]

Dear -Sensitivesally~
I'm glad you came here to the Forum, it's a place where you can find others that have had the same sort of problems,

Frankly I don't understand how you can think of your husband as a a good man and father. I feel you may love him and excuse a lot as a result.

Any good relationship may have its ups and downs however basically each person should really be looking after the other, making their life easier, making them happy. You seem instead to be the one doing all the heavy lifting, being a mother, wife, studying, working and most of the home chores -as well as giving him a massage.

You also seem to imply it is your being upset that your partner can't handle. If I was you I would be upset too. You need to get back what you give. Instead as you say yourself he ignores your distress, is mean and heartless and falls back on that old lie "it's a woman's work"

Well it's not.

The longer the situation continues the worse it gets. Being treated as some sort of servant is a terrible way to be. Not only the work and exhaustion involved, but feeling unvalued can make a person feel thay are of less worth, less deserving -a fact of human nature I don't understand, however it happens.

I know you have been together a long time, have things always been this way or is it something more recent?

One thing to wonder -if it is only recent - is if there is a cause for his behaviour that is not just laziness or chauvinism, but based on illness or some big upheaval in his life. I'm not trying to excuse him or minimize the cruelty, just looking at every possible avenue.

Have you thought about what you would like to do? After all you sound very strained and things cannot continue as they are. Apart from the effect on yourself it is no household for your children to learn family values.

Do you have anyone to give you support? A family member or friend you can speak frankly with? They may not be able to fix everything but at least you would feel cared for.

For many people one thing to try is couples counseling. I'd suggest Relationships Australia - 1300 364 277, if they are nearby. Do you think he would care enough to try and sort things out?

I'd really like you to come back and talk some more. If he won't take any action to cooperate, there may be other options.

Croix

[Voyage]

Hi Sensitivesally,

My husband is also really cruel whenever I express or even have emotions.  Our marriage is on the verge of collapse.  I am at menopause which makes me feel his meanness even more intensively than I did in the past.  It feels like he is blind to my feelings.  His main reaction to my emotions range from ignoring that I spoke at all, diminishing it's importance or explaining that my perceptions are wrong.  If I actually get through to him, he declares that his behaviour is his best and he will always be nasty.  I have been digging my nails into my legs to try to prevent crying.  He isn't speaking to me currently.  With regards to housework...he says it is beneath him as he earns more and his time is therefore more important.  He actually works less hours than me and never had a career disruption because he did not bear the children.  

He is a polite man in company and nobody would ever know how mean he is in private.  

I know exactly how you feel when you contemplate the idea that your man doesn't love you or the kids.  I cling to the idea that he is not capable of processing emotional information easily and try to find other ways to fill the void.  I'm here too just as you are.  I could tell my friends and family, except I feel shame for the state of my marriage.  The only person I really want to understand is my husband.

When I consider the terrifying prospect of divorce and the upheaval that would cause the children, I try to find alternate ways to suck it up.  I also work extremely hard at my job and do all the housework.  I'm considering taking antidepressants, but fear the side effects.  I also resent that the solution must be sought after and located within my own heart, while he gets to carry on abusing.  

Sorry for my ramble, I know I have offered no solutions here.  The marriage dynamic we have is super common.  Half of all marriages end in divorce. Isn't it a shame that coping strategies for this type of problem is not taught in schools?  I never thought I would be making up the divorce statistic, but I spend my days in terrified contemplation of what the future holds.  How damaging to the children to stay and how damaging to the children to go.  

[Sophie_M]

Dear Voyage,
 
Welcome to our supportive forums’ community, thank you for having the strength to share your story. Sorry you have not had a reply, sometimes posting on an existing thread can make it harder to spot. We hope there has been some improvement in your situation and encourage you to provide an update.
 
Despite the overwhelming situation you currently face and really do hope you recognize the resilience you have shown to tolerate it. Please know that no body deserves to be abused and there is no excuse for being treated like you do not matter.
 
We understand that you are concerned about the impact separation would have on your children as it is apparent you love your children deeply. But please also consider the impact seeing their mum, being treated so negatively will also have on their development. They deserve to see their mum treated with respect, validated and happy.
 
We do encourage you to speak to your GP about how you are feeling, and the impact being treated this way is having on your mental health. We understand a fear of potential side effects, but if recommended by your GP after disclosing your situation it may be the assistance you need at present.
 
Please consider contacting either 1800Respect or Relationships Australia. As the names suggest their services are specified around relationships and aiding those in abusive relationships find a more positive outcome. Please call 1800Respect on 1800 737 732 or visit their site- Click Here. Alternatively call Relationships Australia on 1300 364 277 or visit their site- Click Here 
 
Beyond Blue are available 24/7 for calls and chat via this link, sometimes it helps to just have someone to talk to about your concerns.
 
Thank you again for joining our supportive community and sharing your experiences, we hope you find the shared insights and advice of our members helpful.
 
Warm regards
Sophie M
 

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear Sensitivesally and Voyage,

Welcome to our forums..

Both your stories could have been written by myself…I lived for 38 years with a man, my husband and the father of my 3 children until he passed away 9 years ago…

To everyone outside of our marriage, he was super friendly, kind and people just loved him…behind closed doors he was manipulative, cruel, abusive, uncaring and in his eyes the king of our family, I was just their to cook, clean and to serve his every whim….I stayed for many reasons, fear of him was the main reason, also for our children ( who he abused as well)..to have their father in their lives, fear of the unknown and raising my children on my own, fear that husband and father in law would take my children from me….so many reasons….I can see now that for me I chose wrong…after my husband passed away, I lost my children for a long while..they were adults now with there own children…and they couldn’t understand why I stayed with someone so abusive…they blamed me for the childhood of abuse they suffered. I also blame me, still today after 9 years of being widowed, the guilt is still very strong in my heart….If I had my time over, my decisions would be a lot different…

You both deserve respect, love and care from your husband, being abused and/or being treated like a slave is so wrong and later on in life….maybe even now, it can have such a huge effect on your mental health…I am still struggling with my mental health now for over 9 years…my children are struggling with their mental health…all because of one man…

No one can tell you what to do, that choice is yours…I realised too late that my husband didn’t love me….he only depended or (used) me for a better word on me to feed him, clean up after him, wash his clothes, clean his house and take care of him…

Sorry, I have also rambled on…but wanted to share to you both a bit of my marriage to a narcissist…and the long term impact it’s had on my mental health…Please seek help if you need it…our lovely Sophie and Croix has given you some great contacts to help you….Please do contact those numbers to get some great advice and some help if you need to…

My kindest thoughts with my care lovely ladies….you are both beautiful people…who deserve to be loved, cared for and respected 24/7….please don’t ever think any differently..

Grandy..