Don’t know how to set boundaries

Jane2

My daughter is 25 with autism and her daughter is 5. They live with me. Now the problems : she doesn’t always talk with respect to me and I’m always wrong. She mimics to me …”you are always right and you are responsible for how you feel”. Nothing is her fault.
I have given up my life for them. I hardly go anywhere or do anything. If I suggest something I want to do, she will not respond. So she says ‘I never said no, and you can do what you want”, but is clever to make me feel guilt.
from 18-20 she had major mental health and this has affected me, cause I don’t want to upset her. I’ve seen what she is like when depressed.
I go to work and come home. I am always offering to help with the child. She accepts but hardly ever says thank you. She just expects.

everyone says I need a life, but how. I can’t set boundaries. When I do, she always has something to say back.
All this is confusing and I’m not good expressing how I feel, and she always has a comeback.
one day I suggested if she doesn’t like it here, she could put her name down for public housing..her reply was, “now you are just being stupid”.
She doesn’t like to be alone at night so I don’t have holidays. I just had a night away but she said it’s ok if I take my grandaughter. I was going to take her anyway, but ..

My daughter is in bed 90% of the time, and parents from bed, only getting up to cook meals or bath her.
My house…yet she uses my ensuite, every room is her stuff or the kids stuff. I have nowhere to do my art. I put a table outside to make moulds but it’s cold out there.
I want my life back. I don’t even know who I am anymore. I can retire in 4-6 years but the thought of being home all day with her makes me feel sick.
So I need to know how to find myself, how to talk to her, how I can go away and have my time, I also want time alone in my own house, and how to set boundaries.

melodica

Hello Jane2,

It sounds as though you are experiencing an enormous amount for a very long time. I can tell that you care deeply about your daughter and granddaughter, yet also feel dismissed, taken for granted, and increasingly confined in your own home. It makes complete sense that you feel confused, exhausted and as though you have lost touch with yourself.

Your daughter’s past mental health struggles may make it especially frightening to say or do anything that could upset her. Yet your needs, feelings, time, space and wellbeing matter too. Wanting respect, time away, room for your art, and the freedom to make plans in your own life does not make you selfish or uncaring.

It may be helpful to have some support that is just for you. A counsellor could offer a private, steady space to unpack what has happened, explore the guilt and fear you are carrying, and help you find words for what you need without having to defend or justify yourself.

Perhaps you could ask yourself what would a small piece of your own life look like this week? What do you need to feel at home in your own home again? And what might change if your needs were treated as valid, even when someone else disagreed with them?

I hope this helps a little and please reach out again if you want to chat more about this.

therising

Hi Jane2

My heart goes out to you so much as you face a number of challenges which include your emotions and your daughter's.

While considering how we feel emotions at any given time, it can reach a point where we can seriously start to question 'What the heck is all this feeling doing to the energy systems in my body?'. It sounds like your daughter's behaviour is not doing you nervous system, vascular system, muscular system etc any favours. While she's doing what leads her to feel what's easiest, you're trying so hard to manage a lot of the challenging stuff. It's easy for her to use your ensuite, easy for her to stay in bed 90% of the time, easier for her to have someone there at night, easy for her to vent her anger at you, easier for her to leave things lying around (as opposed to putting them away) and so on, you're trying to manage the side-effects of all that.

Being a mum to a 20yo son facing some of the challenges that come with level 1 autism and a 23yo daughter who faces some of the challenges that come with ADHD, I've questioned on a number of occasions 'When did this all start, making my child's life easier for them?'. I think we can start with the best of intentions, kind of like 'I don't want them to stress, so I'll do this for them' or 'They face enough challenges as it is. I'll manage this challenge for them so there's one less thing for them to worry about'. Then there's the self preservation factor, 'I'll do this just to avoid conflict' or 'I can't stand the stress. I'll avoid it by managing things myself'. While my son was always the one who faced challenges where I'd lighten his load, my daughter was and still is the one who I try to avoid conflict with. While she can be a feisty one, I regard her as one of my closest friends. She's a good egg. Seeing how things have played out, in hindsight, I rarely pushed my son to develop skills through challenge (skills which he's pushing himself to develop now) and never pushed my daughter to develop significant skills in emotional regulation. Emotional regulation is definitely a biggy in a household, as I'm sure you'd agree with. Hindsight can be a tough way to learn.

There is definitely a responsibility when it comes to how we feel. If we can feel the energy coursing through our body known as 'anger' or the energy in motion known as 'fear' or that which we call 'stress', how we respond to that will impact not just us but the people we live with. Considering your daughter's ability to feel, why does she prefer to feel using your bathroom rather than her own? Why does she want to feel you not having your own life to a greater degree? Why doesn't she want to feel the challenge of managing her emotions or managing what she says to you? While there are definitely some challenges that come with managing emotions and a verbal filter regarding autism and ADHD, I can't help but wonder with my own kids at times 'How much of it is related to those specific challenges vs how much is related to what they could easily manage with some serious skill development if they committed themself to developing much needed skills?'.

With the boundary setting factor, it's hard to know how to master 'push back'. It can end up feeling like a full on battle or conflict at times. Kind of like 'This is my territory, where respect, a sense of peace, my own personal space and other factors exist'. The other person dictates, while pushing the boundary line, 'I don't care. I'm taking over'. There's got to be some further push back otherwise they will take over. Jane, maybe it's time to become a warrior queen, while you battle a warrior princess. You are the queen, who deserves her own throne. Make the ensuite yours, for a start. 👑❤️

Jane2

Thank you. You summed it up very well.
it’s really hard to even know what I’m thinking. For example, my daughter says everything is about me and I am always telling her off. But reality is that it is just normal conversation, adding my opinion occasionally, but actually I keep so much in as I am scared to talk. Whereas she is constantly saying…don’t do that, don’t say that. Especially with her daughter. So she is the mother and sets all the rules, yet she is in bed and I’m out in the house with her.
So, if child wants another lolly (and she has heaps), I’ll comment that she has had enough…and my daughter will yell out from the bedroom that she can have a treat. So I just sit back and shut up.
yet, after all this….my daughter puts me as the problem.

Jane2

I didn’t think anyone would understand, but from your responses, spot on. When did my house become hers. I don’t want her to feel like a guest, but on the other hand, she never discussed with me when she turned my spare room which had my work resources (I am a teacher), into her and her daughters art room, and now she has added her rat cage and 3 rats so the smell makes it impossible to work in there. ( she has energy to keep it clean but rat smell still). I even had a container of my painting stuff which she just moved out of the cupboard space at Xmas cause she wanted her presents to go there. I’m ok with moving my stuff, but there is no consultation. It was like I was slowly erased from the room.
front lounge is her doll making and kids toys, spare room is 99% their stuff, kid bedroom, daughters bedroom, outside kids toys ( I did buy and erect one table so I can do moulds), store room 90% theirs, fridge 1/3, pantry (I get 1/2 the top shelf) but can access joint stuff, dining table has her doll making on one end, ensuite shared as it’s near her room too.
I have my bedroom.
when I suggest she leaves, she said, now you are just being stupid. I was actually serious. She has a choice to leave.

melodica

I really hear how painful this is for you. From what you’ve written, it sounds like your daughter is setting the rules from the bedroom, but you’re the one out in the house caring for your granddaughter and trying to make sensible decisions in the moment. Being blamed and told that ‘everything is about you’ when you're keeping so much inside would be draining.

In my own life, family conflict can get very intense when expectations aren’t clear and people see the situation differently. I’ve had times where I’ve tried to speak up or add my opinion, and it’s been taken as criticism, or I’ve ended up being seen as the problem. It can leave you second‑guessing yourself and feeling scared to talk, exactly as you’ve described.

You sound like someone who cares deeply about your granddaughter and wants to protect her, while also wanting your daughter to treat you with basic respect. Wanting both of those things at once isn’t selfish, and it makes sense that you’re exhausted from trying to juggle your own values, your daughter’s rules, and your granddaughter’s needs.

You deserve a space where you’re not blamed, where you can unpack all of this at your own pace. Many people in similar situations find it helpful to talk with a counsellor and have somewhere safe to sort through what’s happening, what matters most to them, and what boundaries might help them feel more respected and less silenced.

Thank you for sharing something so close to your heart. You are not alone in this, and it makes sense that you’re longing for a kinder, clearer way of being with your daughter and granddaughter.