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Do you have “that conversation” with your parents before they die?

Juliet_84
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi all,

I grew up in a household with a very controlling and volatile mother. She had a lot of narcissistic tendencies, a superiority complex and a need to always be right, would constantly see you as a threat to her authority (in her own mind) so would create ridiculous rules that you had to follow just to assert her dominance, would forever initiate arguments and then say incredibly hurtful things. But perhaps most hurtful was my father, in contrast, he was kind and loving and consistent, but gutless. Not even a bystander, she would often get him to do her bidding. She would often send him to do her dirty work and break up whatever fun we were having to march us back to her, and he did it dutifully. It’s little wonder I ended up in a DV relationship as an adult. Now I have a very pleasant relationship with both of my parents. My dad had always been happy and loving and my mother is now committed to the role of being a loving and caring mother (partly due to appearances I’m sure), and she can uphold that for the brief visits that we see her. For a time, I even considered that it was likely a stressful time for her too and we have all moved on and put that chapter behind us. My sister has recently moved back home for a spell and can confirm that my mother has not changed one bit and is back to her old tricks. Both of my parents are ageing. My question is, do you have your say and tell your parents the effect they had on you growing up and hold them accountable for their behaviour or do you let sleeping dogs lie and try to move on and heal on your own? Will I regret not saying how I feel?

11 Replies 11

smallwolf
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hiya, and just to throw in my 2c worth to the discussion.

 

The question you posed at the end of your post is one that I had think about last year. I had spoken with my psych about it and at that stage it seemed a good idea. Later I then spoke with mum about this ... having a chat with dad about things in my life and the effect that had on me. (Don't know if there are degrees of badness, but mine was less than yours.) Mum said that it would likely confuse him.

 

Why? Because he has early Alzheimer's and other cognitive functions failing as well. And it would not really resolve anything at least from my side. It won't change what happened. Or the effect it had or has now.

 

As the others have said... there is not right or wrong answer here.  Perhaps the following (which are questions I asked myself) might help ...

 

  • if I talk to "person" what change will this have on the relationship? positive or negative
  • what happens if I don't the reply I was looking for?
  • if I don't talk with "person" can I live with that? Is it a lost opportunity?

What does your gut tell you? It is still a difficult thing to do. 

Hi again,

 

I'm so glad you found my response helpful! I definitely related strongly to your story when I first read it. 

 

I also prioritise keeping the peace, but sometimes forcing yourself out of this comfort zone can be beneficial in helping you heal and grow. Take your time with it, take small steps. Instead of sitting down with your parents and going over everything, maybe even just start out by pointing out small things, if a comment is made you don't agree with, reply respectfully to that one comment and build up your boundaries. 

 

Having my therapist along with me as I went through this process was very helpful. She helped me figure out what to say, when to say it and how to process the events afterwards. Wondering if you have anyone you can talk to as well?

 

Keep us updated!

 

Beeee