Hi Beaser,
Like you, I am terrified of new relationships. So terrified of them that I have been known to stay in existing relationships that are clearly bad for me for years too long because I don’t want to go through that again. I have recently learnt that I have a fearful-avoidant attachment style and it suddenly makes so much sense. Basically people with this attachment style had an inconsistent and sometimes scary parent or caregiver. And so the child would go to them for comfort and would sometimes receive it and other times be met with a rage and become fearful. And so as an adult this creates an intense desire for intimacy but also an intense fear of it, this internal push-pull. We have come to expect that those who love us will also hurt us, and so to try and avoid this we avoid intimacy. But our desire for it keeps us coming back. Sometimes it is so unpleasant that I end a relationship simply to stop that feeling, and feel momentary relief but then the crushing feeling that it has beaten me again. But if someone makes it through my walls then I am incredibly devoted and loving.
