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DNA surprise

JD75
Community Member

I recently decided to take a DNA test to discover more about my family history. I knew my father had died when I was 5 and was keen to find relatives and learn more about him. My stepfather and I enjoy a great relationship, but I guess there are parts of my personality that I can't account for and thought finding out more about my biological father may help.

I became aware quite quickly that my mother didn't approve of me doing a DNA test, stating that they are science fiction, and that I wouldn't get an accurate test because I had had an operation. I found this strange, but thought nothing more of it.

Long story short. The results revealed that the person I had been told my entire life was not my father. My biological father is in fact alive, well and a lovely man to boot, albeit 78 years of age now and suffering early onset dementia. Both my Mother, stepfather and certain family members knew the truth already. I had even called my "grandparents" whilst they were still alive and my mother knew about this and encouraged it, all the while knowing it was a lie.

I feel totally betrayed, yet willing to forgive, understanding that the past is in fact irrelevant to me now. However, I have started to think of an affair my wife had nearly 10 years ago and have started noticing little lies she has been telling. I feel that the betrayal by my family have altered my trust outside of them, and i have been feeling like everybody has been lying to me about things. I am 44, and my mother admitted, had it not been for the DNA test, she would have never told me the truth. Now I feel if my mother could be so mean, why couldn't everybody else?

2 Replies 2

Soberlicious96
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Dear JD75,

I want to start by saying that I am so sorry this has happened to you, and feel for you while you try to process all of this, and what it may mean for you going forward.

When you have been so betrayed for so long, it's natural, I would think, to think that no-one can be trusted. But in reality, that's not the case. There are plenty of trustworthy people in the world, it's just that right now, your view of them has perhaps become quite skewed and blocked by the betrayal.

My sister also has long suspected that she our Dad may not be her biological Dad. There are 3 of us girls, and my middle sister - I'll call her S - has said all her life that she is the 'milkmans' ..... in other words, she has felt something is 'wrong' or 'different' or 'missing' all of her life. And I must admit, I've kind of always felt it too. but our Mum is now passed on, and my Dad has early dementia, so we may never really know for sure. The other thing that she said ..... and I kind of agree ..... is that even if she did do the DNA test to find out, it may only raise more questions and bring unnecessary pain and conflict. As far as her and I are concerned, we are sisters through and through, blood related or not.

"Family isn't always blood....." as a little saying goes. I'm not saying that to try and minimize or dismiss what you are going though now, but I guess I am suggesting that perhaps you could try looking past the 'DNA' and focus instead on the actual relationships, and how they have been in your life? As in, the grandparents that aren't blood related; are they good 'grandparents' anyway? And what about your step-dad? Is he a good fellow too, even though he's not blood related?

There are people in my life that I consider to be spiritual brothers and sisters, even though we are not actually related, and never will be. But I love them very much, and they love me too, just as much. In fact, I am closer to some of them, than I am to my oldest sister, the one that I'm sure really is from the same Dad as me. We're just not that close, and never have been.

Anyway, I don't know if that helps or not. I hope it does at least a little bit.

Take care, feel free to keeping posting here. It's what were here for. xo

Thank you for replying and sharing your thoughts and experiences with me, it means a lot. I have decided that I need some help dealing with, and processing what has transpired. I have always been a very trusting person by nature, but have dealt with some life changing events of betrayal that seem to have eroded that part of my personality.

Trust and love are so important to me and that is why I find the place I'm in to be so dark. I also turned back to alcohol, my demon, to deal with things, which has amplified and confused things even more.

My siblings and family are great, except for this major blemish, and I have forgiven my mother and stepfather already, though I didn't let it be known that I felt I had something to forgive them for. Everyone has reasons, and they did what they thought was best, I'm sure.

I need to work at building trust again, and I intend to climb that mountain 100%.

Thank you xx