Disowned by my family
Hi Stats, welcome
That rings a bell!. I had big issues with my mother 30 years ago. My wonderful dad wouldn't visit me as he felt it would be disloyal to his wife. So that made me patch things up with both of them, exactly as my mother planned. She used my dad as a tool, a weapon as such and it worked. He passed on 3 years later. Eventually 10 years ago I split with my mother forever. Life has been much better. How do you do that?
Well it isn't easy but they say you cant "choose your family". Well you can, you can eventually have older females and males that can be looked upon as parental figures that provide love and support and visa versa to you.
Sadly your dad has made his choice but I would write him a letter to state that he can join your life if he pleases and you respect his decision even if you don't agree with it. Then it is up to him. Tell him you don't expect much, a chat every few weeks, a visit twice a year but also that you cant be punished for you not seeing eye to eye with your mother by losing him.
Sadly it didn't work for me but that's what I tried.
All the best.
Thankyou for replying and adding information which helps a lot.
I have had similar experiences. I went decades not realizing the true reason for my mothers behavior, then a friend told me to google- Witch queen hermit waif
or read this
read up on emotional blackmail and emotional manipulation
google - emotional blackmail
I'm not suggesting at all your mother has this problem, but I'm convinced mine does. She remains in denial and is 88yo now. The damage she has done to me and my sister is immeasurable. Ruined my first wedding in 1985, threatened to ruin the second wedding in 2011. She never got the chance as I got a court order to keep her away.
So a bit of research might help you. As for your dad, I'm so sorry he has such a medical condition. It is cruel to end you relationship on the condition you be in communication with your mother. That makes it hard.
You know Stats- there is a line in the sand within our own conscience, that dictates to us that "that is wrong so I will not bend to that treatment". And we should stand by that.
My mother (when I was 27yo, I'm now 63) threatened to leave the house and "go on a holiday for two weeks if you don't break off your relationship with that woman".... I replied "I'll help you pack".
So I refused to allow her to threaten me of manipulate others without me speaking up. She would say I didn't respect her- No! she didn't like me standing up for what was right.
I hope you like the links.
Thats good Stats
BPD is a terrible illness. I always make known that members here that have been diagnosed with it and maintain treatment, then they should be congratulated.
Many BPD sufferers sometimes remain in denial, other will get treatment for a few sessions then blame the therapist for incompetence and stop treatment.
In my case and my sister, we had to cut off all contact. I received two letters from my mother after that, both I wrote "return to sender" and sent back unopened. That took her power away.
I wish you all the best. We are here for you if you choose to repost.