Discussing relationship issues on the internet

Duesentrieb · ‎19-03-2022

Hi guys, first thank you for allowing me to be here.

My wife and I are married since 2000. I discussed some relationship issue in a private, closed FB group that we currently have. Unfortunately she found out and was quite angry about it. Not so much about the discussion itself. She was more angry about that fact that members of the group could look at my profile and discover her (name, pictures, etc.).

What is your opinion about that topic?

Duesentrieb · ‎22-03-2022

Thanks for your feedback... as you mentioned it was never my intention to expose her... I just was looking for possible solutions, exchange of experiences, etc.

Yes I totally agree that the issues are deeper and we need most likely external help.

The issue here is that my wife has a very simple solution to all of that. Change back in the agreeable, patient, giving, emotional dependent guy that puts the needs of others before his, avoids confrontations, does favors, provides emotional support, etc. etc. And I have the feeling due to my sins (e.g. narcissism research, counseling, FB ) she feels entitled to that. That is how it currently feels to me.

Unfortunately she will not go for any type of external help. We discussed that already and she hinted that she would separate before opening up to a stranger. If I would go alone she would interpret that again as betrayal, a try to manipulate her/the situation in my favor. She never mentioned it but already that I do not react on her Silent Treatment anymore, is a mayor shock for her and a result of my previous counseling.

We had situations that my son and I didn't want to comply to her selfie-taking anymore. She got angry, just walked off, questioned the whole relationship via SMS, wants to fly home and my son and I had no money and we were standing lost in Tokyo (she is normally taking care of directions/destinations) . Of course that was the absolute craziest and I reacted at that time patient, trying to smooth things out, etc.

Thanks again for all your patience.

Juliet_84 · ‎22-03-2022

“The issue here is that my wife has a very simple solution to all of that. Change back in the agreeable, patient, giving, emotional dependent guy that puts the needs of others before his, avoids confrontations, does favors, provides emotional support, etc. etc” Ah yes - this is the problem with difficult people, they rarely see themselves as such. Instead they think if you just did everything to appease them and give in and let them have their way all of the time, then the relationship would be fine. But the problem with trying to appease people like that is that it’s never enough, you give in to their every demand, well then their demands just increase and increase until even the slightest perceived infraction causes an extremely disproportionate response. That may work for her but it doesn’t work for you, and this is where you could push again for the counsellor. I suspect that somewhere deep down she may know that the counseling may not go in her favour and hence the resistance. But the reality is that couples counsellors are really there to help you both communicate better, they rarely “take sides”. I’m sorry my friend, it sounds as though you are between a rock and a hard place.

Guest_1584 · ‎22-03-2022

Yeah for sure , it's a shame but l can well understand her not wanting to be hen picked back into childhood stuff yet again.

Think they make too much out of all that rubbish myself l mean we grow up whatever happened in mine is in my control now same as anyone. We decide who we are and want to be once we're adults, and whether or not we let crap drag us down forever. l'm afraid your good naturered ways just train her more though but l know you know that and l'd probably do the same for peace. Those type of personalities can out stubborn anyone, seems to be a knack they have doesn't it.

Anyway, your talks with others are done, try to look forward, can't undo them.

Good luck

Duesentrieb · ‎22-03-2022

Thanks Juliet_84...

I just picked up my son and the drive takes 1h+. During the drive I was still thinking about the whole situation and then I remembered a question that the counselor was asking / highlighting ...

My wife found out about my research of narcissism through my phone by going my surf history and that was the trigger for a major crisis.

1. Most reports about narcissism cover man as it is in general associated to males

2. How did she know it is about her? It could have been me (see point 1).

3. After some anger, disappointment, etc. she never asked how I come to that idea?

The counselor basically said that these three points are already a red flag pointing towards narcissism as she automatically refers to herself, hardly reflect her behavior (any doubt?) and shows no curiosity towards me (why?). The only thing that she sees is her anger, her disappointment and what I do wrong.

I will suggest the counseling but not at this moment as I have to assume that the relationship could end on that day. Something I do not want to risk at the moment.

Thanks for your patience and understanding.