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Discussing relationship issues on the internet

Duesentrieb
Community Member

Hi guys, first thank you for allowing me to be here.

My wife and I are married since 2000. I discussed some relationship issue in a private, closed FB group that we currently have. Unfortunately she found out and was quite angry about it. Not so much about the discussion itself. She was more angry about that fact that members of the group could look at my profile and discover her (name, pictures, etc.).

What is your opinion about that topic?

23 Replies 23

Hi thank you but for the whole situation I have to go back a bit.
Married 2000 and since then my wife used Silent Treatment (ST) as her tool to communicate disagreement, her anger, etc. I am more the agreeable people-pleaser and ran after her whenever she is using ST. Since 2013 the marriage became more routine, less affection, less attention, etc. but I thought it is just the time.
In 2018 her ST became more frequent and intense. I tried several times to talk to her but no change. I started to read and ended up at valuable narcissism. She discovered that and of course she felt betrayed. She carried that around for 2 years, highly resentful and withdrawn.
Around that time, I had counseling (16 hours) due some work issues. The counselor identified my relationship as the root course and confirmed that my wife shows light valuable narcissism behavior. She confirmed as well that I was quite patient, basically carrying the weight of the relationship, etc. After that, I changed my behavior as well (less people pleasing, no more reaction to her ST).
I am far from perfect. Not the best communicator (even though the counselor disagreed on that), yes maybe I should have talked to my wife but I learned quite fast that she is quite sensitive, feels easily attacked and out of that we could get a round of TS). Yes, I looked for solutions outside which is not good. Did that basically now 3 times … (narcissism research, counseling and now FB).
I am sorry but I don’t know anymore where what and how… at least at the moment.

Guest_1584
Community Member

Hi op

Yeah it'd be pretty obvious to any counselor, it's pretty obvious just reading what you've said here in a few lines.

And your right about her behavior too15yrs or something of being treated like that honestly !! No wonder you were tying to find solutions really you were actually trying to help the marriage, both of you , that's a lot more than she was doing.

To be honest sorry but it sounds like it's her that really needs to see somebody.

rx

Thanks randomx for your feedback...

Already this morning we had something I do not like. Our Son was sick over the weekend, already recovering but I wanted that he stayed maybe another day at home, which I suggested to her this morning. My wife is not working today and she asks (a bit annoyed) back... should I drive him? Basically shutting me down and my concerns, indication that she will drive him whatsoever... that's how I interpret it....

Maybe I am (already) (very) biased and/or very sensitive but I can't interpret that behavior in a neutral or even positive way..

Hi op and l'm sorry about everything going on for you.

But yeah it certainly sounds like exactly as you've read it to me. She's very closed isn't she , even more reason she needs to be seeing somebody.

Hi randomx,

Thanks again. I am quite certain that she is not talking to her friends. She is very secretive about anything private.

I would even support that she is opening up and talking to someone, even her gfs. It is a good thing to let it all out, to get a different perspective, to discuss things...

I have no problem at all to take that heat (much easier compared to that closed up behavior), even if I meet her gfs.

Guest_1584
Community Member

Yeah fair enough

But she really needs to talk to a professional too doesn't she, a marriage counselor or something or even together, would she do that ?. Hopefully they'd get to the bottom of the way she does things with you guys. Pretty hard to fix things on your own when she's actually the one just doing a lot of this stuff.

We had that discussion years ago. She was using her ST and after a few days I suggested marriage counselling as I couldn’t see any other solution. She stopped the ST immediately and said no need for counselling.

I know her and she will not go. Her childhood was really bad and I guess she knows that every therapist will go down that road and this will be extremely painful. On the other hand, there is nothing wrong with her…

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello Duesentrieb, if I had done this to my wife, it would be a long time before our relationship got back to normal, plus it would most likely limit what she says to me in the future, in fear others would know.

Geoff.

I understand that now and yes it was not right. Even though, this FB page has a similar character like beyond blue. I did some research now and friends that are in this group could possibly see her details.

I had a second discussion with her and things got a bit clearer.

a) she thought that I possibly have an emotional affair which I clearly do not have.

b) she highlighted the possibility that if I write personal stuff in this FB group and I allowed some members of this group to be friends, that these people could see her details too. Therefore she asked me to remove her pictures or to delete these posts, which I did.

I understand now that I should have considered her feelings more, even though we talked about it now and had some common understanding. I think totally different about the situation as I don’t bother about other people much and I won’t meet these people in real life. But I can’t assume that someone else will think like me. Her feelings about the situation are totally valid.

Thanks for your feedback.

Even though I feel different about it

Hi Duesentrieb,

Thank you for sharing the additional information, that is most helpful. I can understand how damaging the silent treatment is for prolonged periods, nothing quite sends a message of open hostility as refusing to talk to a person. It’s also not an adult way of resolving conflict, and is instead a maladaptive approach of shutting down. I would contend that you did nothing wrong by googling your wife’s behaviors, you were trying to understand why she was doing the things she did, presumably so you could learn better ways to deal with them. She didn’t like the answers but that doesn’t make it wrong. Regarding this issue, I think we can all agree that it wasn’t a great idea to post in a forum where your wife’s identify could be found out, but it’s done now and in the scheme of things is probably more of an inadvertent betrayal rather than anything. But you obviously have deeper issues here with your wife that you need to resolve. Issues that you both are probably ill equipped to deal with on your own. It can be difficult though when one spouse refuses to go. I would maybe suggest going on your own and extending the invitation to your wife so that she can “tell her side” of the story. The feeling that she is being talked about may encourage her to show up herself to set the record straight so to speak