Yesterday I met the person I mentioned in my recent post and said revealed my mental disorder.
Saying it took a huge amount of courage. I felt very anxious and on edge throughout the week leading up to the day, and then throughout the day before revealing it. A couple of times I thought the opportunity might not present, but I overcame the final hesitation.
I said most of what I wrote in my earlier posts. Despite rehearsing dozens of times, I guess what comes out is always a bit different because it must be natural. At first she asked me to repeat what I said, then she was silent for a little while, then she asked a couple of questions. Overall I think her reaction was what I was expecting. I guess I was trying to obtain a richer understanding of what she felt and thought about me. My mind is adept at detecting micro cues and sometimes interpreting them inaccurately. Ultimately I conclude it is too difficult for me to interpret exactly her feelings and thoughts from how she reacted.
Immediately afterwards I felt a little relief, then later at home a large amount of relief. I don't often recognise the feelings I experience, but the past weeks have been different; I have been supercharged with complex emotions. I feel that I said what I wanted to say and now it is in the hands of fate to decide what the outcome will be. This makes me content because I believe in faith and fate, and I believe that if I have done what I can to the fullest extent then I can rightly be proud.
