Developed feelings for him..
I hope no one judges me on this.. I was happy and felt safe and that he respected me and we were both adults entering into this..
me and this guy were having a sexual relationship and i also thought we were friends too, but then after a while i also developed feelings for him. and he didn't want anything more and i just feel very hurt.
he told me he didnt want to pressure me into anything i didnt want to do, and only wanted a strickly sexual relationship and i told him how i felt about the situation because he asked and i said i couldnt do this if he didnt care about me.. and that I just felt used if the only reason he liked me was for sex.
and he just said he wasn't in anyway trying to make feel like (i was just being used) but couldn't change what i thought (??). I think he just means he doesn't want anything more. I think he knows I have feelings for him, and he doesn't try to talk to me, and I haven't tried to talk to him again, but he still looks at my things on social media. (I thought he would just delete me.)
this is what he said after i was starting to show a bit of feelings..
'look, when we first started talking we were both happy to have just a strickly sexual relationship, nothing more. while i hope to never have pressure/d you into doing something you don't want to do, i'm getting vibes now that you don't want this anymore. and like i said when we first started im not looking for a relationship. so i just like to know where you stand at the moment, cause ive been pretty forward in terms of wanting sex, ill admit that, and at no stage should you feel obligated to do the same if you choose not to, but i jus want to know where you see this situation.'
It just makes me feel like he doesn't want anything more because he just doesn't like me .. or it's not that and it's just his personal reason. He doesn't seem to want a relationship with anybody though. I just hope if someone can say if he still sees me as a friend as well.. I slowly am getting over this.
Hiya zodiacgirl. Welcome to beyondblue forums.
Definitely no judgement here. I've been in the same boat quite a few times 😞
It seems pretty clear that this man has been clear that he just wanted a sexual relationship with no ties. I think that's what he even eludes to at the end of your post. I understand the hurt that this can produce when we develop feelings for someone and they aren't reciprocated. It sucks!
The ONLY thing we can do is remove ourselves from the source of the hurt and let ourselves grieve.
My advice from experience is to politely let the man know that it seems you are both wanting different things he wants sex, you want something more substantial and emotional. He's made it clear he doesn't want that. This type of situation won't work 😞
So I think it's time to be kind to yourself and part company with him then allow yourself to feel the natural upset and maybe anger and other emotions that might come with saying goodbye.
I got the feeling that some of the upset you are feeling is coming from wondering if you are good enough for him. I think that wondering if you are good enough for him is like asking why a taxi won't stop when it already has passengers. It's not that you're not good enough for that taxi, it's that the taxi is't ready to take passengers.
So I think you are worthy, brave and amazing for visiting and letting us know how you feel. He's not the right man for you simply because you both want different things.
What are your thoughts?
Thank you so much for the kind post. I did like that taxi analogy, it makes me feel better that it isn't to do with me. I have let him know how I feel, and I think he also knows I have feelings for him, so he has respected that and stopped asking for anything. I have allowed myself to ignore him on whatever forms I can, and I have stopped talking to him. Although, I have been very upset and it's very hard not to ignore him, but I feel it's the best thing to do.
I just hope he still was my friend the whole time. I really felt we had a connection, but he still said he didn't want anything more. I really wish I knew the reason why, but if it's not to do with me I don't think it matters to much.
Thank you Paul, your words really helped a lot..
Hi, It's always hurtful when we develop feelings for men, and the feelings simply aren't reciprocated. With some men it's simply a physical release, no emotions at all. That explains why some men find it easier to visit prostitutes, rather than the emotional entanglements they don't want. I think with zodiacgirl, the guy you felt something for, simply used you sexually, as a way of avoiding the very thing you wanted. He at least was honest enough right from the start, that's more than some men. He wanted sex with no ties and believed you felt the same way. Your emotional need for him took over, and you started hoping his sexual need would develop into something more. It didn't and it hurts. It's possible he did like you initially, but his respect for you never manifested. I think I'd be pleased to no longer have him around if there's no future. When you meet Mr Right, you'll know.
I understand what you're saying, but right from the start I didn't want anything more either and was happy with the situation and how it was. I felt he was also my friend, but at the time I didn't want any kind of strong emotional connection either so it worked and he always asked me if I wanted this or not. In that way, I don't feel like he used me. It was only until I developed feelings that it got tricky, and I'm glad he was honest about what he wanted with me, instead of easily lying and trying to use me for any longer. I think it has helped me a lot to know exactly what I want in a lot of ways, but thank you:)
Hey again zodiacgirl,
I'm glad my taxi analogy helped. I was wondering if I was making a goose of myself in using it as I was typing!
Us humans have basic needs, food, shelter, water, sex/mating/procreation. We have secondary needs that are still important for our survival, community, socialising, intimacy, belonging.
As a (gay) man I've found that I have those needs and most often the need for affection, closeness, sexual expression and obviously sex are there and are distinct from wanting or needing or being ready for a commitment to love someone despite the affection and intimacy coming across as love type "signals"
I think this guy was at least good enough to let you know what he wanted and not be an ass, it sounds like he shared affection and intimacy as well as what you have described - a sexual relationship. So that mix can be as confusing as hell!
Interesting story - I have been friends with someone on facebook for years and felt attracted to him all that time. I saw him by chance in the street and we chatted a bit and off we went. We chatted afterwards online expressing that we just wanted to get a little crazy there and then in the street. I ended up after all these years politely letting him know that I couldn't do anything because I would develop a crush and he is unavailable (open relationship) So that was a difficult experience.
I wonder if you were to make the final step and remove him as a friend on whatever medium you have him on, that way there is no temptation just to go there for the hell of it or in case he has changed or whatever story we make up to bargain with ourselves.
I can make you this one promise. There are other men who will want you just as passionately as he did and they will be ready to make a commitment. For now, second best ain't good enough I think you need the whole package not just the entree.
Thanks Paul, I have been finding it hard to open myself up again to anyone now in fear of getting hurt, but I think I'll be okay just working on myself.
I think i'm quite assured I will not in anyway contact him at all, but I feel better knowing he hasn't deleted me off anything, and I find I would feel better for now just leaving him on there. If I feel okay sometime to delete him off those mediums I will.
I find it really confusing sometimes, if he did like (but not in love) or was just using me, or what, but I really did feel a genuine liking and friendship there before I started showing any feelings towards him. As soon as I started that, I felt he really closed off, but was always still friendly and polite. He always seemed very mature and intelligent, so in that way I did feel safe and that he didn't think less of me for only wanting a sexual relationship as well, but sometimes I overthink and think the worst things. The relationship went (albeit up and down) for over 5/6 months, so I do feel like there would have been something other than sex that he liked about me too. I'm glad I told him how I felt, and that he was able to know that I had feelings and stopped asking me for anything, but still seems to want to know what's happening in my life as a friend (i hope). It makes me feel really upset if he didn't want anything more because of something to do with me, or because we started it out like that and that's all he ever saw me as, or if it's just because of his own issue and he did like me, but was just scared to commit as you explained. I think i'm slowly getting through this anyway.. Thanks again for the helpful words.
I can still feel the pain in your last message. I think grieving over what could have been is natural and will take a bit of time to work through. Be kind to yourself and allow those feelings to occur. The anger, guilt, frustration, happiness and whatever you feel is OK as you transition away from what you had and also how you felt.
It's interesting that you mentioned that you were glad he didn't judge you for wanting a sexual relationship as well. You mentioned being judged in your first post as well, can you tell me more about you might be judged for and what being judged like that means to you?
From what you have said it seems like this man simply wanted "friends with benefits". You said it yourself, you could feel him close off a bit when you told him how you felt. That tells me it wasn't you or anything to do with you or your likeability or worth, it tells me that he simply wanted friends with benefits - for whatever reason. We'll probably never know the reason but what we do know is that from what you have said you'll be stronger for the experience and this all has nothing to do with how loveable you are.
Thanks for that.. I feel like my subjective feelings for him do get in the way and I often think the worst. I'm glad I did tell him how I feel as continuing on with both wanting different things wasn't going to work out, no matter how much I didn't want to lose him. I understand the need for affection and amongst other things but not ready to open up and be ready for a stronger emotional connection/love relationship is different, especially after feeling hurt like this, I don't think I would be ready for a while for anything. If it's some sort of emotional unavailability on his part (he did have a long-term relationship in the past, but not sure what happened) that would make a lot of sense too. But i guess it doesn't matter.
I feel like the judgement comes from part of the reason why he didn't want anything more with me. Because we started it out as friends with benefits (which I was happy with at the time - and I didn't feel like I wasn't being respected, nor like my self worth was being undermined.) After I developed feelings for him, I felt confused as to how he saw me, and that part of the reason why he didn't want anything more was because no girl he would actually want to date would do something like this - but I guess it's just me overthinking and trying to come up with reasons why he didn't want anything more.
It seems to be a bit impossible to be real friends after everything that's happened. but I think i'm becoming more accepting and feeling better about myself. I just hope he also did feel that connection we had, and it wasn't just me. I just wish we had met at a different time in our lives.
Thank you so much Paul, you really are a kind soul.