Depression being exacerbated by child wish

[AfterLoss]

Just a bit of a background: I've been married to my wife for 11 years, I've been with her for maybe 13. 
She suffers from major depression and anxiety, as well as OCD and, apparently, ADHD. In the past, she had been diagnosed with BPD, but this has been questioned now.

Up until we started wedding planning, everything was great (or she hid it well, I'm not sure which one), but with the stress of the wedding planning wasn't helpful. She would get angry very frequently and what I would describe over noting. 
Then over the next couple of years, she took a turn for the worse, she undertook six suicide attempts (she'd dispute that number, but that's what I counted) and I had to admit her to psychiatric facilities against her will on two occasions (luckily her mother was supportive of my decision).

8 years ago, we had our first child maybe a year later and she completely shut down with postnatal depression. For 3 to 6 months, I was nearly single parenting. What made this worse is that our son had extreme reflux and would vomit around 30 times a day (I wish this was an exaggeration, but we had towels and a bucket in the living room at all times because of how much he would vomit.
I feel like I got close to getting PTSD from this and it was a terrible time.

Then things got a bit better again and we had our second child. 

Currently, we're in Europe for the year (something that I wanted as I'm European and wanted the kids to learn the language).

Right now, she's worse than she has been in years. The biggest issue is that she wants another child and I'm just SO done having children. There are a few reasons, one is also that my dad died two years ago and I can't imagine having a child he didn't know (he was an amazing grandfather).

She has begged me to have another child and I have tried to want it, but every fibre of my being just doesn't want to. I feel a bit guilty, but I also don't think it's a good idea for her in her state.

For completeness, I should mention that my 8yo has been diagnosed with autism, I'm 99% our 4yo has it too and think it's quite likely I do too.

She has mentioned that she will leave me if we don't have another child. I don't want that to happen, but I definitely don't want to be responsible for having an unwanted child (on my part).

This is just a brief overview of the current situation. I was planning to go into more detail, but can't because of the character limit. But life is a mess right now!

Has anyone gone through anything simliar? 

[Hella]

Hi AfterLoss

I can hear a lot of resilience and strength from your story , and of I acknowledge the pain you're going through. 

You are patient and caring with your wife, and dedicated to your children to raise a family as best as possible.

I do wonder what the reasons are for desperately needing a third child, to the extent of her saying she will leave if not having another child. 

I would lean towards not having another child for now. At some point you will both need to be somewhat on the same page about this, but for now if you're not comfortable about it, you could encourage your wife to enjoy the current family and celebrate what you've been able to build in life so far.

Also, if at all possible, remember to connect as a couple, where you get a babysitter or relative to look after the children . It's always important to have that identity as a couple , just in case there was ever an issue with relying on the children as reason for connection. Sorry if making too many assumptions, just brainstorming ideas on the fly.

[therising]

Hi AfterLoss

Your wife and kids are absolutely blessed to have you as such a caring, loving and grounded element in their lives. While this has presented so much work for you, my heart goes out to you.

Like Hella, I can't help but wonder why your wife so desperately wants or needs another child. Does she want another child or does she want a baby, specifically? As you know, there's a big difference. As a mum to a 20yo son and 23yo daughter, I can relate to having a baby for a very short period of time but having a child or children for life. They never stop being our child, even in adulthood. Then there can be the added challenges to navigate. The time and attention it takes to devote to a child on the autism spectrum can mean not wanting to divide time and attention even further by introducing a 3rd child into the mix. I get it. My son's diagnosed with level 1 autism. While he doesn't face major challenges, there are still challenges that take time to help him navigate his way through.

While your wife may have her reasons for wanting a 3rd child, don't minimalise your completely understandable and valid reasons for not wanting a 3rd child. Can you mentally and emotionally manage having a 3rd child, given past challenges and current ones? Would a 3rd child mean spending more time working for a source of income and less time with the kids? With you suspecting you're on the spectrum, would a 3rd child create significant challenges for a parent on the spectrum? Would it mean your wife would have to step up more and would she be capable of that (supporting a partner on the spectrum who's struggling with 3 kids)? Apologies for adding to all the questions that are already powering through your mind. I've found sometimes the right questions can lead things to become clearer.

Not sure if it will help shed any light but one of the reasons for me seriously considering a 3rd child involved the idea that 'This will be the baby I won't struggle with. This will be the one that post natal depression won't interfere with. This will be the one where I'll prove to myself that I would have been a great mum to my existing kids if not for post natal depression'. Kind of like 'Third times a charm'. I really battled against this way of thinking 'til reaching the conclusion that I'd devote my life to my 2 kids, without adding a 3rd. 

By mentioning the following, I don't want to take away from a woman's genuine desire and natural longing to have another child. Something to consider could be an ADHD factor. If she struggles with the depressing side effects of dopamine deficiency, imagining a 3rd child could be feeding her dopamine. In other words 'What she's imagining is putting her on a natural high' and she may resent anyone who puts a stop to that feeling.

I've found the benefits of approaching things from a mind/body/soul angle involves questioning 'Does this involve the way I'm thinking, the way I'm feeling chemical reactions within my body/brain or the way I'm sensing the nature of this challenge?'. Maybe, for your wife, it involves all 3. She may not want to seriously question how she's thinking, stop how she's feeling (a high) or face the true nature of the challenge. Maybe the challenge comes down to her focusing more on your two kids, without seeking a high from a possible 3rd. Not sure.