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Depression and lack of intimacy in relationship

Community Member


So long story short I've been super stressed out lately and got diagnosed with depression after an abortion. I haven't really been feeling intimate with my boyfriend, hes expressed his concern about it and I've been trying really hard to get past it but I've been in a bit of a rut lately (since Feb) and I genuinely don't know what to do, I communicate to him how I'm feeling etc but he seems to not understand. Please help if you can.

1 Reply 1

Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Jorji~

Welcome here, I appreciate the effort it must have cost to talk about these matters and hope you can find here the reassurance and support you need.

To have an abortion is for many a huge thing, no matter what the reason. It can seem like major failure, bring on great guilt and is probably an action where one did not realize what it would feel like emotionally after.

To be diagnosed with depression afterwards is no real surprise, and here the important thing to remember is that depression is in fact an illness - not some sort of personal failing. Illnesses have effects, a fever makes one's temperature higher and does other things too. Depression is not just thoughts that lead to unhappiness, a lack of enjoyment in life, and a loss of hope, there are other effects too. For a fuller list have a look at:


which if you follow the links is pretty comprehensive.

In my case (I had depression for different reasons) this included a very definite desire not to be intimate with my partner, in fact often I just waned to be alone. So in the way I guess you may be like me and many others.

There is another matter, intimacy can lead to pregnancy, and I wonder if a desire not to become pregnant again might be part of it too - what do you think?

So firstly may I ask if you are under medical treatment for the depression? Until I had this my condition simply got worse, no matter how I tried I could not make myself improve.

The other question is do you have any personal support? A parent or freind you can talk with, share your feelings and know you will just receive care and understanding? It makes a difference.

I'm afraid your boyfriend may not understand all this, and if that is the case then taking him to your doctor and having the facts explained may make a change. Would this be practical?

The only thing here I worry about is if you love someone you do not press, if you know it will upset them. Perhaps I'm being a little unfair to your bf, I don't know.

I do hope to talk with you some more,