Depressed partner

[Guest_12508197]

My partner and I have been together for 11 years. He has always has anxiety and every 12 months would go through periods of depression where he would be unhappy with me for a short time, then things would go back to normal. 

For the last 14 months my partner has been in a constant depressed state. Over this time he has expressed this to be for a number of reasons, including his family dynamic (his parents), his relationship with our 5 year old son  (who has a parental preference towards me which has been difficult to change) and his feelings towards me. He blames me and says that he wished I had just listened to him and his problems with me over the years. I feel so confused and silly because I had always thought when things had gotten better after his depression each time that I had made enough changes to myself and the relationship to help him feel better. The constant state of things being good, bad and then good again is confusing. 

9 months ago I encouraged him to see a psychologist with he agreed to. He says that it’s ruined his life, he feels worse now, and implies it is my fault. 

he hardly talks to me and where possible he ignores and avoids me. He says he hates being in the house around the noise and mess (which is hard to hear because I constantly clean to try make it better for him). He goes to the beach and drives around for hours so he doesn’t have to be here. 

I feel like I’m constantly walking on egg shells and when I try to even make small talk he generally won’t say anything back unless he really needs to. Instead he will just shrug or sometimes looks at me with a ‘why are you talking to me’ look.

he doesn’t want to talk to a therapist or anyone and has mentioned medication is not something he would consider.

after 14 months of being ignored and walking on eggshells I’m considering that we may need to seperate but I don’t want to abandon him. I’m stuck between wanting to look after myself and our son but worried about him. All I know is that I can’t live like this forever and I don’t know what more I can do. I’ve encouraged him to consider a therapist again and talk to his dad or perhaps uncle that he has great relationships with . 

[quirkywords]

Guest

 ding depressed is depressing and it takes away your confidence, and it is confusing and you feel exhausted. Living with a partner who is depressed is tiring confusing and difficult. I have been the depressed partner and the person whose partner was depressed and drinking a lot 

if you type in depressed partner into search you will lots of threads that may help you. 

[therising]

A truly warm welcome to you as you face so many challenges at the moment. I think the complexity of a depression can be what makes it so difficult to deal with in a relationship (whether that relationship's with our self or our partner).

It sounds like you've been trying to raise your partner in a number of ways, through or out of depression/s, but for some reason things just don't seem to be working or long lasting. I'm wondering whether your partner's conscious of what a lot of his triggers are. You mention some, including the challenges of his anxiety, his family dynamic, his relationship with your son, his challenging feelings toward you, noise, mess, the psychologist etc). Not sure whether it's the case with your partner but with my own experience of depression over the decades, I'm a gal who's found that waking up to what's depressing can be far from a simple challenge. It can look a little like

1. I begin by feeling something's depressing me
2. I identify exactly what's depressing me. The problem with this can involve just how sad or dark or upsetting it can appear and feel. Waking up to what's depressing can be depressing
3. Altering my perception of it so that a new vantage point allows greater light to be shed on it
4. Seeing the clearest way forward through some much needed revelations and enlightenment

With that 2nd stage, it can tend to open a kind of Pandora's box of depressing stuff on occasion, which needs to come to light. For example, 'Why do I not have a good relationship with my child? Why does it feel so depressing?' and here we go, now the lid comes off with the question 'What kind of relationship did I have with my parents? I never felt truly loved by them. Why was I so unlovable? What's wrong with me? What has always been wrong with me? Why does no one seemingly love me, still to this day?' and then a list of all the things 'wrong' begins, which could become a depressing list leading to a downward spiral and perhaps some self hatred. Perhaps this could explain the issues with the psychologist your partner was seeing. The psychologist perhaps lifted the lid but your partner didn't like what was in there and didn't stick around for the enlightenment stage of things. In the 'my parents never loved me' scenario, light could be shed on the fact that those parents didn't know how to love, based on their own upbringing. Another enlightening revelation may come as 'I have no definition of love, so how can I feel what I have never defined?'.

I think another challenge can also come as (in a nutshell) 'If I can't identify exactly what's depressing me, I'll at least look for anything that makes me happy. Is it the state of the house? No, too messy. Is it a sense of peace? No, too noisy. Is it a sense of adventure? No, too much sameness. No ventures being added to life' and the list of everything that doesn't make us happy continues. On the flip side, 'I will paint the interior of the house joyful colours, colours I can feel every time I walk into a different room. I will play music I feel and love, to drown out the noises that trigger me. I will add a new venture that gives me a satisfying sense of self that I can feel. I've found simply observing what feels depressing doesn't change things. And if we have the ability to feel what's depressing, we're always going to be identifying something because it's in our nature to identify and rise above whatever challenges us to evolve.