Such a huge warm welcome to you at one of the most challenging times in your life. I feel so deeply for you and can relate to some of what you're saying.
There can be times in a relationship where we can be left thinking 'What's wrong with me? Why can't I be happier? Why do I have to bring my partner down? Why can't I be more easygoing?' etc etc. Then, one day, it's like a switch just flicks and what comes to mind is 'Oh, my god, it's not me. This relationship is seriously depressing'. The next thought can be 'How the heck was I so asleep to that for so many years?'. I've found the most significant question comes next, 'What do I do, now that I've woken up to this?'.
With beginning on a new path toward greater self understanding and self development, such a quest comes with many questions such as
- How do I now want to manage my wellbeing (mental, emotional, social, physical, soulful etc)?
- Do I need a guide or set of guides on such a quest, people to offer a sense of direction, a sense of vision or enlightenment on what can feel like a dark and not so clear path?
- How am I going to manage living with/gradually separating from someone who depresses me or who is disappointing in a number of ways?
and the questions continue.
I've found that there's a difference between largely waking up to someone's behaviour and fully waking up to it. For example, we could say 'I feel so much disappointment in my relationship (which is a part revelation)' vs a full revelation such as 'It's in my partner's nature to dis-appoint himself from roles I appoint him, ones that he has zero interest in filling or taking on'. So you could say 'I appoint my partner, time and time again, the role of 'He who is reasonable (able to give and accept valid or good reasons)'. Time and time again, our partner may dis-appoint themself from that role by making excuses, by not wanting to discuss emotional issues, by not wanting to take responsibility for their part in the relationship, by not wanting to problem solve and so on. Continuing to try and reason with an unreasonable person feels like banging your head against a wall. There's a saying, something along the lines of 'Banging your head against a wall feels good only when you stop'. In other words, when we stop offering and seeking reasons, when it comes to an unreasonable person, it can be an enormous relief. If we want to express or seek reasons for our suffering or confusion, best to speak to a reasonable person. Do you feel there's anyone in your life who could act as the voice of reason for you while listening to your reasons for your sufferance or struggles? I've found reasonable people can lead me to much needed revelations and a great sense of relief. ❤️
