Dealing with infidelity

[Mrsbeec]

My head feels like a washing machine. I just want to feel myself again.

I am a teacher and a few weeks ago I caught a mother in my class (also a friend) sending dirty home movies to my husband. He confessed and said they had been texting for 4 months!! He said it was just casual conversation, but he knew it was wrong and hid it until one night it became sexual conversation. I found the video on my iCloud as she sent it via link sharing and I had set his phone up with my Apple ID. I saw no more of 10 seconds of it before I was throwing up.

My husband of 20 years apologised many times and said they never had any physical contact, but she did talk to him at school (we both work there) and she lives in my street. I have taught all 3 of her children and teach one right now. I am apparently their favourite teacher, but I feel like it was a way for her and my husband to connect.

He blocked her, has answered every question and is really trying and I don’t want to throw everything away, but the hurt inside is enormous. During the day I don’t think about it and we have been working on our marriage, which honestly thought was great, but at night or when I’m alone my head goes into overdrive. I create conversations in my head and analyse everything that has happened for the past few months. I go and reread his texts seeing if there was a hint he was cheating and I feel like I’m going crazy.

I haven’t told anyone because I’m embarrassed and I feel stupid. I want to continue to work on my marriage and we are having counselling, but I feel like I’m going to think about this forever. My husband has promised he never felt anything and he was stupid (a lot worse words used) but I’m under the impression she wants something as she is walking her child in down to his office, but he is avoiding any contact with her like he promised he would. (I can see everything from my classroom). She looks cranky he’s not there and she dresses right up to do the drop off.

I have to act professional but my heart is shattered. I want it to stop swirling around and I want the pain to go away.

[quirkywords]

Mrsbeec

I too welcome you to the forum.

I hope by opening up here and bring honest it has helped you see things a bit clearer.

You have received many supportive posts with helpful suggestions.

I can feel your disappointment in two people who you felt you could trust . They have let you down.
I know your husband is sorry and is trying but have all those thought entangled in your brain being thrown around.
I agree turn the washing machine off and maybe look at one item at a time.
We are listening to you.
Be kind to yourself.

[geoff]

Hello Mrsbeec, your husband can be told that if her husband/partner knew of what had happened, then he too would be horrified as well as any children they may have, but try and say it in a calm voice and not in a hurtful way, because at the moment he's realised his mistakes and wants to rectify this.

I do believe that the other husband should be told, in one way or another, as this may have happened before, unbeknown to him, and how this is done is up to you, remember she may have destroyed other marriages before this, and needs to be stopped.

If you do this, then this will hopefully start to clear your mind.

Best ishes.

Geoff. x

[Mrsbeec]

I really appreciate all of the support.

Some days are better than others. We have had a few good days and today I feel like I’m back at the beginning.

We went out shopping together and the other woman was at the shop. My insides were on overdrive but I kept my composure and my husband wanted to keep as far away from her as possible. So we avoided her but as we went to the other end of the shop she was right behind us the entire time. It was making me so damn angry.

I didn’t want to confront her in public but no matter where we went she followed and looked quite smug. Why should I feel like I can’t go anywhere anymore? My poor hands have deep nail marks from clenching my fists, but I made it through. The problem is the hurt flooded back.

My husband said when he saw her it made him sick and he couldn’t believe he hurt me for her. I know that’s the right thing for him to say and I trust he is sorry, but she is clearly not. She can go on with her life like nothing has happened it’s not fair.

Im hoping it gets easier.

[Petal22]

Hi Mrsbeec,

I understand it would have been confronting for you to see her at the shop.

Im sorry that you felt all of the hurt again I know it’s hard to relive it all again.

Do you think confronting her will help?

[geoff]

Hello Mrsbeec, I agree with Petal, if you confronted her and said what she can do, not specifically mentioning your husband, then this built up hurt you have inside you will be released.

Your husband may feel guilty but if you don't say his name then there's no reference towards him, you are only directing the comment to her, this will embarrass her and stop following you and your husband around.

She may have her husband towing along who will be totally shocked, but have a think about it, without causing you anymore harm.

My best.

Geoff. x

[Croix]

Dear Mrsbeec~

I've thought about your situation and believe you are in circumstances that are much harder to live with than many.

I agree that after 20 years to find the one you trust and look to for support is not exactly the person you thought. can come as a huge shock, one can feel it is a slight on oneself, and I imagine feel both betrayed, angry and full of grief all at the same time. If anything for me the lies would be the worst thing.

Grief for the relationship that has been so damaged. Also for the false friendship by that woman.

You do say you still love your husband, and that he has tried every way to make amends and start to build up trust.

The hard part is that you are still in the same place, forced to see this woman as part of your duties and as a neighbor , as well as though her children. Take that together with her brazen attitude and this would constantly set anybody back - a lot.

The tone of all your posts has been one of forgiveness and a desire for your marriage ot resume, and I would think from that if everything else was equal then the pair of you may well go on to live happily together.

The problem I would guess is that you are both employed and settled in the area where those daily reminders are present -compounded by the fact you have had to bottle it all up inside never having been able to talk about this ( a very natural thing).

May I make a suggestion as a start -my apologies if you have already done so - and that is to see a relationships counselor to see if there is any way you can let this horrible event take up less of your emotions and thoughts?

I think Relationships Australia - 1300 364 277 might be an option if they are in your area.

I would really like it if you came back and let me know what you think

Croix

[Denham123]

Dear Mrsbecc,

im so sorry for what you are going through. At the end of the day, I can’t tell you to leave your husband. Only you can make that decision.

I want to ask you. What will you lose if you want the pain to go away. You’ve already spoken to your husband and it seems it’s not enough. You see that lady and your blood boils. What do you want to do about it?

do you still have videos of the acts. I would it delete it. Your trust with your husband is now broken. You’ve lived 20 years of your married life with him. And in those 20 years a lot has happened in terms of building and maintaining a relationship. For some people the relationship just clicks in. It just works and you can’t explain it why. For others it can be a lot of work and effort. How do you see your relationship?

with the lady what do you think you can do about her. What are those scenarios or arguments you are having that you feel is unhealthy for you. There’s three of you in this mess.

What do you want to do? Do you want to talk to the two of them in person and show them this video. Your husband might think you are overreacting and probably gaslight you. If he’s honest with his feelings towards you you’ll know. My husband is only with me just because he made a promise to my dying mum. He doesn’t love me and I don’t love him. We both know we can’t work in our marriage. We are still living the same roof. I don’t make conversations with him because I know he’s trying to level out his narcissistic behaviour. He knows I’m winning and won’t put up with his crap. He’s doing things around the house without asking him this time. So it’s just a matter of time when he gets tired of this little play.

Hope you can get back and please keep us posted. You are not alone in this. We fully support you in anyway possible.

regards,

Denham.

[Denham123]

Ps. I made an error.

please don’t delete those videos. They are evidence of infidelity.